I am grieving to a level I’m not used to. A depth of pain and sadness I don’t ever remember knowing. I want to hit back at her but I don’t. I want God to give me the strength not to go there. There is a sense of wrong that I am sure I will never get over without a bullet. I should probably not talk about it to the kids anymore and just do it. But that would leave them with her who is anything but kind and loving to the kids. Then again I haven’t been doing right by them either. I get the feeling I will eventually walk away from them as her dad did and others fathers generally do. She is emotionally unhealthy. Mentally ill, and she is making all of us the same way.
Mostly because it’s her betrayal and her lies and her success which creates this pain. I sit in a new job I don’t really like listening to clients try and convince me of tax fraud and she sits in her ivory tower being taken out to fancy restaurants and giving out prizes at the races at Del Mar because she used me. She is smart and worked hard for it, but she couldn’t have done it without me and the fact she actively found a way to keep me out of Andersen and doesn’t even care anymore disappoints me to no end.
And she treats the children like shit and continues to expect me to take care of them emotionally to give her a break while I suffer isn’t working for me. Maybe I need meds. Maybe I need out. That seems to be the only course I think about. Either fleeing the country or the world. Then it’s the same. My children are my buoy so I don’t sink into suicide, but they are my anchor which doesn’t allow me to swim to the safety of the shore.
I don’t know God is going to remove this pain, this grief, this sadness. I don’t if it can. Everyone at the single parent groups still tell me it’s early and seem to at least generously tell me I’m a lot (5 years) younger than I am. But I don’t want “dinner and a make out” as one of the ladied puts it. I want something real. Something that I was supposed to have. A family, kids, and the sacrificial love I gave her. I really wish God would take his angel of death and dispatch him for my soul. I’m sorry for all my mistakes and sins. I want forgiveness and freedom from this suffering.
Some days I don’t even know why I grieve. She was a shitty wife. She was mean and spiteful. She never loved or cared about anyone but herself. The sex life turned to shit when kids came in the picture and she never seemed to care about doing anything nice for me. I guess that’s part of it. I gave and gave and gave and there is nothing to get back. The world moves forward and she will always have more money and less joy than me.
I just hope I die before I am bankrupt. I hope she gets what she deserves. I just can’t be the one to give it to her anymore. I need to become the person I want to attract. I need to build up my self esteem and reprogram my mind for happiness and positivity in any situation. Need to keep working out and become accepting of my body and lack of experience with women. Maybe going into the world will give it to me, or maybe God will provide someone who is patient and understanding enough to let us both grow into a loving and committed life long relationship.
I’m sure that is most of it. I never felt that I was good enough to get that and she proved to me that I wasn’t. Maybe it’s good that I was miserable enough to make her tell me the truth and let me out of this cancer of a marriage. I truly need to look at it that way. Maybe there is a good job out there for me. Maybe I’m already in it and it just needs to evolve around me. Maybe I just need to be more patient. Maybe God will eventually heal this grieving heart and let me be the man and father I am meant to be. I love those two kids.
Fuck – seriously now she won’t transfer the stock until December 2015 unless we have another round of changes to the agreement. I am keeping my tongue checked but it’s hard. She says she wants to move forward, but keeping my assets longer than necessary isn’t moving forward its manipulative and controlling. I just wish I could find away to let it all go, but I just need to keep telling myself that it will all come to an end soon. And if I adhere to Gods word about keeping my mouth shut and acting kindly then maybe I will be rewarded. If anything God says that he will enact vengeance and I’m hoping it’s true and I can at least let go of that.