3/30/15 – Son Sang To God

Totally depressed today.  Didn’t sleep well again. The more I have the kids the less I sleep. Dreams of her infidelity came again and I’m day two of three hours sleep.  Need to go home early and pass out.  I’m sure part of our is the final decree.  The judgements in and 7/22/15 is the date of dissolve. Just over 17 years together and she acts like this is perfectly normal.  I know it’s not for her, but her life is an act and always will be.  I sat here today and thought of all that I could give her – everything she wants – but it’s just she doesn’t want it from me.  I just have to move forward, but it’s difficult.

Daughter now is all about mom.  Not sure what changed but I heard her and Son arguing over her and whether she is nice or not Sunday.  Not sure if she is taunting Son or not, but she also didn’t want to come to my house.  I don’t handle it well.  Always being tossed aside for lesser people because they look better or have more money. I just need to let that part of my life go and focus on the future.  I’m sure she doesn’t understand how much that hurts me but it hurts none the less.

One day she may understand but she may also become just like Hunter and always need me but only via money.

Son stood up at church and and sang. It stated with me singing sitting down and then he stated to sing sitting down.  When he started having a hard time reading the words with everyone standing in front of him I told him he could stand and he did.  He even clapped a little while he sang.  Daughter got to go on stage and Son really wanted to see her and say hi. What a great day at church! I even caught him singing after bedtime. When I asked him what he was singing he said he was singing to God. When I asked him what he told he was a little bashful and didn’t want to. I told him that it was ok if what he sang was between him and God. He loved it.

I guess that would be the highlights. I yelled at Daughter a lot. She just won’t listen when she is breaking things (Barbie). And Hunter reported an accident on the truck which got reported on my insurance.  She said it’s the second one this year. I guess karma is coming after her. Two rear endings and the refrigerator needed fixing again do to leaks.  That and the drinking mentioned by the kids males me believe it is going to go sideways when I tell her I can’t do the midweeks.  Who knows how she’ll react when I do alternating weekends?

I’m still playing nice and not snide when I see her.  When we were at Daughter’s cheer final day Hunter mentioned the police murder by Park Dale.  My sister told me it was a death by suicide since the guy found out his wife cheated on him and couldn’t take the pain.  I know the feeling, but didn’t say a word.

The coming weekend is Easter and we are doing an egg hunt at her place and joint baskets.  I’m sure I will get a bill for half and I’m sure I will be the same as last time.  I’m sure it’s only a matter of time until she doesn’t remember anything she has done and becomes a bitch about it.  I guess I will have to get used to it

Today she sent over an email talking about vacations.  As usual she is taking the 8/3 week (singular) and asked which weeks (plural) I wanted. Like last year she wants to give me the kids more than take them, but I’m sure if I took them for two weeks straight she would flip.  I told her with the new job to put Son in camp since I didn’t have vacation with the new job.  She could pick what week she wanted off, but the week before her vacation might work best.  I got the cheer pictures but no response on the email.  I’m sure she is pissed about the excess expense, but again I’m sure I will get the bill.  Money is her safety net, and one day the truth will come out to everyone in the world and I will be free.  Isn’t that the point.

Then again isn’t love the point and I don’t think that will ever be my suit.  At least the IF dietary change has helped.  Even with all the unhealthy eating I still lost some weight.  If I up the work out and reduce the calories I should be able to drop bigger numbers in future weeks.  Looking forward to having bigger guns, better lung capacity, and be thin enough for a better choice of dates.  Not that A and J aren’t attractive, but I want a more professional choice.  We shall see.

Time to get back to work and try and serve others.  Maybe there will be a blessing for me someday?

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