5/28/15 – Using Church To Get A Boyfriend

The anger is raging inside me this morning. I didn’t sleep well last night. Woke up in the middle of the night angry at God for this shit. I know I should want her to forgive herself. I know I should want they kids to be with a happy mother. I just don’t  believe that she will ever get there. This is just another ploy to pretend she is normal like everyone else. Another place to hide and find another sucker to take care of her needs. This time she won’t cheat on him since she won’t have the opportunity to, and he will get all of her money as well as my house and my kids.

None of this seems fair or moral or righteous. It all seems heavily burdened on destroying my life for her unholy actions. Why do I need to have my life sacrificed for another second chance for her?

I intellectually understand that the more I hate her and focus on her I am wasting my time by not focusing on my life. Not living my life. Not planning my life. Not creating my life. I spend it hating my life and creating more suffering. Suffering for myself, my kids, and Hunter. 

I become the monster she needs to feel punishment for her atrocities. I need to let it go, and allow her to punish herself.

My meeting with Ben was productive. He keeps telling me that her lack of happiness and joy is her punishment. That no amount of money could bring her joy or happiness or peace.

How do I get peace? By being in the moment and focusing on me and my needs right now. Also focusing on those around me and what their life is about. Ben tells me to focus on me in healthy ways.

It was funny at one point he asks if he can interject. He tells me I know intellectually everything that I’m feeling and why. But he keeps driving at “power.”

I use money as the identifier. He circles back and circles back throughout the session until we get near the end. You keep seeing that Hunter has the power (money,v house, kids). You say the kids have the power (to choose parents they live with). You say the in-house counselor for your son has the power (to make changes). You seem to see everyone else has power but you. But we don’t know the future, and what you really want power over is…I say my kids future, my financial stability and career, Hunter’s punishment – things I don’t have any real control of anyways.

You intellectually see everything very accurately, more than most people. And then he says

“I think you have more power than you realize.”

That really gets into my head. Personal power. I dnt really exercise my power. My control of my emotions. My control of my actions. My control of my discipline.

I got back to last year when he told me the only thing we have control of is our discipline. Something that I have yet to master.

Maybe that’s what I really need. Not a job, not a girlfriend, not a men’s group, not a support group, but a mastery of myself. Once I am able to know Me, once I can control me, I won’t need to control anything else. 

Marcus Aurelious- “The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts: therefore, guard accordingly, and take care that you entertain no notions unsuitable to virtue and reasonable nature.”

Socrates – ” Know thyself.”

Shakespeare – ” To thine own self be true.”

It’s only after we’ve lost everything are we free to do anything. – Tyler Durden

Maybe I need to spend some time finding my power. 

Jessie comes over to Hunter’s place tonight. That should be interesting.

I watch the movie Horns between things. It’s message love gone wrong and vengeance lead to personal destruction. Timely!

Family therapy went smoothly, but it’s funny that Hunter called Jessie several times this week and talked with her today. I spoke with Jessie afterwards and Hunter wanted a lot of information on what she is doing, why, and ground rules. Like the last few therapists Hunter is attempting to invalidate them and eliminate the therapy. Anything to eliminate mental health professionals from her life who might be able to diagnosis her issues. Jessie told me that there is nothing she can do about keeping Hunter accountable which had been my issue with all of this in the past. 

Again, no one has power to change this situation. Time to accept that part of my world and change what I can – ME.

….

I texted Hunter to let her know that she needs to change the reference point on her church group so the kids don’t connect church with dating which is already apparent in my son. 

Another thing that I cannot change. My Power can only come from understanding what I can change, what I can’t, and then having the discipline to make the changes.

She finally texts me back and she joined a single parent group. I told her that she needs to explain that to the kids because she is always telling them she wants to find friends, but a singles group isn’t that. That’s why they tell me that she is doing it for a boyfriend. I told her we shouldn’t be sending the kids the message that church is for boyfriends not God.

She texts me back about how the kids are telling her that I want to kill her. That gets the response she is looking for – ME hammering her on her atrocities. I doubt I will get a text back – thankfully! Message sent and hopefully left alone for a while. Fucking nut job. I definitely need some space!!!

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