8/16/15 – Another Meltdown

I lay here in bed and wonder how it’s going to end. I wonder if I have the strength for this anymore. I had to restrain my son for ten minutes today at my sister’s birthday party outside in her backyard. Ask of this over not wanting carnitas tacos. I have bruises on my back and shoulder and I sunk into bed with back pain.

Ten minutes of him cussing me out, hitting, kicking, screaming, and shouting all over the place. I finally got him to give up. Literally making him say the words and promise to not fight. He seemed more dejected than me. Irked him if he knew why I had to restrain him?

– To keep me safe.

– I don’t want you to hurt yourself or others.

– I know. I’m sorry.

– It’s ok. Can I get you something?

– I’m thirsty.

I get him some water and come back out. I also bring several paper towels to clean up his face.

– Did I get it all?

– Yes.

– One last double check. I think we were good. What do you think?

He shakes his head yes.

– We can’t go to McDonald’s, but if you want I can see if they have some cake and ice cream. Would you like that?

He shakes his head yes. Do you want to eat it inside or out here?

– Outside.

– Do you want me to stay or leave you alone?

– I want to eat it alone.

I go and get him cake as the ice cream is gone.

– Sorry they are out of ice cream, but I have the cake. Do you want me to hang out while you eat it?

– No. I want to be alone.

I get some paper towels for him and leave him alone.

He comes in after a few minutes and as I walked away I watch him eat the cake sitting there on the grass scratching at the bandaid I got him for the “scratch” he got. A “blood scratch.” It’s almost undetectable but I know how he is with things so I go with the bandaid cover up. It makes him feel better.

I can’t help but hurt for him. Alone. Afraid of himself. Unable to handle his emotions. I wonder if I am up to the task. I know I’m better than Hunter in a lot of ways, but she rolls with this stuff so much better. She blows up and then shuts down. I worry about how my son will live in this world. With me. Without me. With his mom to take care of him. With his mom emotionally crippling him to not be alone and taking care of him all of his life.

My daughter watching tv inside and snuggling with my sister. How is she going to be normal with all of this insanity.

I tell me sister I laugh when people complain how bad they have it. I have a very demanding job with intense stress. A Borderline ex-wife (who gave me the privilege of informing one of her previous best friend’s we were divorced this morning), and a special needs son. 

When I drop him off at his mom’s he says he’s sorry and looks like he it’s going to cry. I tell him I love him and that it’s ok. That’s what dads are for.

I don’t know if I can handle this anymore. I know I can’t seem to handle not having my kids. I hope there is something in this world for me. I hope there is a way to save my kids. I don’t think there is a way to save both them and me. I know Hunter likes her breaks, and her ability to use my son for sympathy and to not be alone. But that it’s a trap that will eventually force another one of her breaks, and I can’t be around for that. Besides how are these kids going to grow up with Hunter taking away the free gift books from chick fill a? That still just blows my mind.

I’m just tired and in pain. Hopefully sleep will help.

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