I did not sleep much last night. Maybe 5 hours, but that's the norm with me. I wish it were more. I am having a hard time finding the energy to do anything anymore.
It's tough knowing your children are abused and the courts and CPS do not care. It's tough getting texts telling you to kill yourself from your ex-wife's boyfriend. It's tough being unemployed knowing that the future does not hold a lot of prospects for your well being.
I know God punishes His children (Hebrews 12:6). I know he cuts off and prunes those He loves (John 15:12). Unfortunately my faith is waning.
I see all of those heathens in 3040 having friends and doing things, but I'm not invited because my ex-girlfriend Joy who faked a pregnancy on me doesn't want me around. She lies about everything just like my ex-wife. It's unfortunate they have the same mental illness, and why I dated these crazy people is hindsight. It doesn't change the past or my situation. It still astounds me that the group doesn't seem to have any clue as to why God allowed a pedophile to run the group (Matt Tague).
They seem to miss the true purpose of God and Christianity. They all know the Bible, but they have no clue about its author. They do not feel the truth or even acknowledge it. The saddest part is watching people suffer because they fail to change themselves.
Then again I am the same way right now. I can't seem to make a decision to make my world a better place.
I still need to update my application at Biola. Hopefully I can do that today. The hard part is finding the motivation. There seems to be none in me right now. All I feel is hopelessness and being lost in this town. Maybe moving back to Orange County and trying to find some temp work would be the best thing for me. I could cash out the value in my house and live for a long time on a paupers salary with the excess cash in the bank. Liquidate my 401k's and spend the rest of my life doing nothing. I am sure I would end up being an alcoholic.
Maybe that's what I should have been all along.
I just need a break somewhere. I need a little help from my Father. Spending all this time breaking my soul apart in San Diego isn't helping me or my children. I wonder how long I can hold on. Right now I don't feel much faith or much desire to stay in San Diego.
No job, no girl, no friends. Nothing but misery in this town. Maybe it is time to move away and start life over? If God isn't going to be giving me my children, I don't see a reason to stay and watch my ex-wife destroy them one day at a time.