Today is the day. I’m dropping seminary and trying to move back to Orange County. I sent Heidi several texts and emails about it, but she refuses to respond. I’m sure she doesn’t like the idea of me not being around to abuse.

Yesterday she sent several date changes and included me as having the kids during an unassigned break. We had already agreed that she would keep them. She decided to give them to me and that sent the flurry of texts and emails.

Funny Heidi will finally get what she wants – me gone – but she doesn’t want that. She knows I am the only constant in her life as the kids will eventually leave. She will put my son in a hospital, and my daughter will eventually come live with me. At least that is what she says now. In a few years she will either be miserable and she will be just like Heidi or suicidal. Either way she would be difficult to contain in a two bedroom condo. Especially having to make new friends at a difficult age. I’m sure I will only see her on weekends for a few years then nothing left.

I will have the same relationship with my kids that Heidi had with her dad. I now understand how horrible a human being can be. I’m constantly suicidal and have no up side. If I sell the house and get what I think I can get out of it, I can buy a small place in Orange County and live there for a while. Maybe reconnect with friends and find someone to marry.

With Heidi and Joy I can’t see to do that at all. There will be the issue with Patrick at Saddleback, but that will be a small issue as he doesn’t know many people and although he fakes it better than I do, I will have a lot of powerful people on my side.

I wish it had not come down to this, but constantly wanting to slit my wrists is unnerving. I’m sure I will be the same way in Orange County for a while until I get into the swing of things. Not sure if I should leave now or wait until after the holidays.

Probably now is better.

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