It’s all starting to hit me now. I most likely will never own another home, or even anything remote to it. I will live in that little condo for most of my life unless something breaks for me. I don’t see that happening, but I also don’t know what the future holds.
It’s a scary proposition to have to be completely reliant on a mysterious Father who I have felt and spoken with, but may never truly see except through his Son. I guess that is why Abel’s offering was accepted and Cain’s was not. Abel relied on God, and Cain did it himself.
Either way, I know I will miss my kids more, and see them less. I know that things will work themselves out somehow. I know we all die, but few truly live. Maybe this is my way of becoming freer than I was before? That is scary as well. Freedom comes with significant responsibility. I saw Heidi this morning and she is looking way too thin. That scares me for her. I know the guilt is getting to her. Even my children are starting to see it.
Last night both my children said that wanted to live with me. For my son, that has to be very scary. Kids on the Spectrum don’t like change, and that would be a major life event. He must be fearful of his life to say that. Only when faced with the loss of life do people really change. It breaks my heart that my kids live in that reality. Kids should not have to grow up broken and unloved. Then again we all end up broken and unloved sometimes in our lives. Kids should not have to have the feeling as a child. It stays with them for a very long time.
I left the new owners of the house a note. Telling them to enjoy the house and make a lot of wonderful memories in it. I will miss this house. It did right by me and my children. I hope the condo does as well.
Last night I told my parents that I would not be coming down to San Diego very often. I need to focus on building my life again in Orange County. They are not pleased with it, but they understand. My whole life has been destroyed by her and I may never get to a place where I get to live like I used to.
Maybe hitting bottom and working my way back to my Father is all I could ask for? Maybe that is enough for my life? Maybe if I change one heart that He wants me to change will be valuable to my Father? Maybe that’s all I can ask for?