I keep having this recurring nightmare. Heidi is on an anorexia kick, and I know she will get totally hammered on NYE. I keep having this nightmare that she will pick up the kids on January 1st and still be drunk. I know that after three years she has been going on about the anorexia, and it’s about this time that her organs could start to shut down.

I don’t know how to handle the thoughts running through my head. I know that if the kids passed away I’m sure my parents would have some heart issues. In my nightmare both my kids and my parents die within a week. I’m sure it is not going to be real, but the fear still lingers. I’m sure my mind is just trying to get a handle on my future since Heidi will eventually leave this earth soon with her alcoholism and anorexia. I just don’t know how to stop it.

Is this the way my life is supposed to go? Or am I going crazy trying to protect my kids against things I can’t control?

Either way I’m not sure I can handle all the drama. There is a part of me that just wishes things were back to normal, but it’s been so long I don’t know what normal is anymore…

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