I’ve been eating ice cream the last 24 hours. I know I must be depressed. Not sure how to get out of it anymore. Alone, with nothing to do but study. I can take classes in February at WSC. Right now I have four units. If I take the Greek I class I will have 8. That would be four days a week. That’s a lot of driving, and studying. At least I would learn Koine at a slower pace then the Summer term. If I pass then I can skip Summer class and see where things lead.

Right now I can’t even seem to muster the energy needed for taking a shower. That really isn’t healthy. Much less not working out or even being part of the world. I almost feel like a shut in right now. I can’t seem to shake that my whole world died and Heidi got everything she wanted. The house, the money, the church, the kids, a boyfriend and God has given me nothing of what my heart wants.

Somedays I wonder why He even gave me one.

Nothing seems to be going in the right direction. I’m sure it’s all in my head. But right now I would rather pass away then live this life anymore. Not that I will hurt myself, but it would be pleasing to be released from the prison Heidi put me in.

At least I know I won’t be in hell like her. Having to pay a guy to have sex with you so you won’t be alone must have some serious emotion currency debt to be repaid at some time.

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