I’ve been thinking about Thursday a lot. Matt is going to get between 10 and 20 years. His family was there and they were crushed, obviously. For a Pastor to do such a thing is vile. To watch his family get crushed is horrific. The woman I was sitting with thought he didn’t get enough. She is probably right, but as a Christian her heart should be more interested in the aftermath then justice.

Christ always asks for mercy, forgiveness, and love – in reverse order. Typical NC3 3040 she held none of these things in her heart.

I’m starting to wonder what am I doing at Westminster. Will I become like a lot of these San Diegan Christians and pretend to be something that isn’t real. Will I do any good in this world down here. I’m not sure anymore. I just hope at some point in time I can do something that matters to someone.

I’m not sure the opportunity will come at my age. I don’t have a retirement. I don’t have a cash flow source. I’m just wondering around trying to figure out what my Father has for me, and nothing seems to be working out for me. Maybe I’m not cut out for this life? I don’t think I’ll ever get remarried as a Pastor. I won’t earn enough to do so. The one person I wanted to date in 3040 won’t even talk to me anymore.

That group is destructive. Maybe that’s why they don’t have a Pastor after 9 months? No one wants the job. The island of misfit toys put an adulterous couple in the center of a ministry and burned it to the ground. I guess that is what should have happened. I wish North Coast Calvary Chapel would fix the problem, but I don’t think Mark or Buz care at all. I think they are tired of the drama and don’t want to fix anything. I’ve reached out to Buz and we’ve talked, but I can tell he isn’t interested in being part of the solution. Too much work and drama.

It’s easier to leave broken things broken then to take the time and energy to fix things.

Sad to see this world this way – even in Christian circles. People wonder why Calvary Chapel is collapsing under its own weight. They don’t see to have enough heart to fix what is broken anymore. People are too old, and uninterested in doing the heavy lifting.

Maybe I will starve to death on this route? Maybe after all of the destruction that has befallen me; my Father taking me home would be a blessing.

I really just need to focus on classes and the couple of returns I have to do. Maybe there is some value in that?

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