1/6/18 – I Must Be Depressed

I can’t seem to leave my condo anymore. I sit around and watch tv, and work out (mostly walking). I feel like the world has left me behind and I no longer fit into anymore.

I dream of suicide or death. One day hopefully I won’t wake up anymore. I hate this failed life. I know that I’m the only one that can change it, but the same time I’m having a hard time with things. I no longer have the energy to move forward in life. I can’t get motivated to do things. Nothing seems to be working out anymore.

I sit and wonder why Heidi gets rich. Why Joy has a new boyfriend, and that married loser has friends and I don’t. He is a hypocrite and nothing like a Christian and I suffer. At what point will My Father take me from this life or help me move forward in a new direction.

I’ve had a couple of former clients walk away from me so it will be a long time before I can date. I just wish the world would see me as something valuable, but it does not seem to. That psychopath who cheats, faked pregnancies, and fakes suicides gets rich and the kids.

She hates the kids and they don’t want to live with her anymore. She is mean and abusive to them. They truly hate her. I can’t blame them. The sad part is if I pass there won’t be anyone to take care of them who actually loves them. Heidi sits on her phone and texts her loser boyfriend who can’t make enough money to properly take care of her. He won’t marry her because of my kids, and yet he continues to cheat on Heidi and she doesn’t seem to care. I guess that’s the problem with Borderlines.

They can’t be alone and they can’t be healthy. They only hate themselves first and then everyone else. I can only hope her alcoholism and anorexia takes her first. She deserves to die. I just hope she doesn’t take the kids with her. She would be that vengeful.