2/7/19 – Still Missing My Kids

It’s a sad day when you realize that your kids are not in your life. One day they are here, and the next they are gone. The saddest part is their Mom never stays home on the weekdays. She is too busy trying to make friends and always is more involved in her boyfriend than anyone else.

She threatened me the day my son got his cast out on. She told me I was harassing her. She has pictures on porn sites, and she even takes some of them. I can tell her with her anorexia. The skin is sagging and gross. She no longer has breasts, and I am hoping one day she will just up and die.

Anorexia takes approximately 20% of the loves that live in that reality. I’m hoping she will eventually succumb to the final outcome, and allow me to take care of the kids. It’s a sad reality to have to weight for my ex-wife to die and there is a serious need for me to leave the state.

My son would hate that since he would subject to the abuse Heidi inflicts on him daily. There is a sad state of affairs when your children hate their mom and wish that they loved with me. The demons at my school and constantly harassing me and scratching me, and putting strange ideas into my head. I keep having this view that Heidi will eventually kill one or both of my children without any remorse. That will be a sad day to bury my kids!

2/5/19 – There Is Still A Fear That Heidi Will Die Soon

What will be my legacy? I can’t stand this constant nagging that if I leave that I will have to move back to California for the kids. There is an issue with her mental health that constantly reminds me that she make take my children’s lives and leave me with nothing.

I haven’t heard anything today, and am wondering if WSC is where I need to be. RTS has an English only version of the M Div, and I think that would be a better choice for me. The languages are not coming naturally for me and there is something that I’m not being connected to God right now. Maybe I’m the problem?

Either way, I need to find a way out of this state and find a new path to go down. Kansas isn’t speaking to me, and I have constant dreams of grandeur that are not healthy for me. Maybe this life is all that is left in me. Maybe there is not afterlife to get to. Maybe this is all a dream?

I found an English only M Div in Richmond, VA. It costs less then WSC and the move would take me away from the kids and Heidi. Maybe it’s all worth it? Maybe they are already dead and I can move freely about the country?

2/4/19 – Thinking About Moving To Austin

There is a point in time where you really need a break from the insanity. My son ran off again yesterday for no reason at all. My daughter is turning into a Histrionic, and I don’t have many friends here in Escondido.

There is a time when healing is more important than now. Heidi is a whore who has pictures on porn sites and she doesn’t seem to care. I know she is a Borderline because having her boyfriend is more important than anything else in the world. She ignores my children and never is home during the week. She has church groups and yoga. Anything to get her to die sooner is welcome in my life.

I know she is anorexic and will die soon, but there is a point in time where the advice of my professional counselor comes in handy. Ben dated a Borderline as well, and finally gave up a great business for healing. Maybe it’s time I leave the state and let Heidi deal with the kids all on her own. I know Chris will drop her like a bomb so he can grab someone else.

I know she is cheating on him, and he is cheating on her. It’s a weird reality that they don’t seem to care. He dates her for money and sex, and she is a Borderline so she doesn’t want to be alone.

At some point in time I need to find peace in this life and serve God somehow. I don’t know when or where, but there is a Triune God and he desires my life for his glory. At some point in time I need to heal and leave this wonderful state for someplace where she cannot get to.