12/31/13 – She Is Doll Eyed Again

Spent the morning snuggling with Hunter – always why / what do you want.

In the bathroom playing around she let me take her pj bottoms off. The first time she laughed the second she didn’t so I let her be.

She took the kids to the park while I did some work. I’ve got a little more to do but it’s nice it’s over with.

Was looking at homes on Zillow – very depressing. Something nice for the kids and I have to sell the car. Can’t afford the maintenance on that mileage. I just wish Hunter would give me daughter and some cash/stock and let us start over in OC. Not going to happen but that’s my dream. I could find a way to make things work with daughter and my job (working early & late instead of driving) and the girls would help during busy season. Son would get all of her attention and Hunter would relax without dealing with daughter and I. We would both get a fresh start at life. It wouldn’t be easy but we would be free from her craziness and daughter could learn that love isn’t physical violence (Son) and emotional abuse (Hunter). I just want to be free from this nightmare…

Had a little pity party this afternoon. I’m sure Hunter heard some of it since she was upset when I came down. Again I made sure to be quiet and not to say a single negative word about her. I just complained how I was too tired to start over at 43 and how undue it was since I had done everything that God had asked of me.

So I took a walk. When I came back we walked to the park at the clubhouse. Of course daughter is saying I have a fat belly (Hunter says that) and “damn it” when she is upset (which is a phrase Hunter uses all the time). Then as we approached the park daughter kept going on about how she is a bad girl and does mean things. This is what kills me because I can’t stop Hunter from telling her these things and she is internalizing them. She wonders why I want to take her away from here and that’s why. Hunter wonders why daughter has such an attachment issue with her blanket Chocolate. If she understood attachment psychology she would understand its daughter’s need for her mothers love which vanishes and reappears that keeps her blanket needs present. Funny she doesn’t have that need at school.

So this evening was a disaster. Son gets very upset because he has to wait for us at the light and refuses to come into the house once we get home. Daughter is crying and complaining for food. I’m snacking on cashews because Hunter has gone catatonic again because she can’t handle the stress. She won’t choose a restaurant for take out – I think because she wanted to go out. None of the dozen restaurants are good enough so why not sit there and sulk with doll eyes. Son has a complete meltdown and I am trying to get him inside and Hunter decides go to the bathroom and cry. She says she will eat at Buca and I say go ahead and order and there is the fight.

– why should I order?

– you’re the one who didn’t like any of my choices so just chose something

– what do you want?

– pick something and order

– why do I have to order?

Seriously, this is the insanity I deal with.

Son finally shuts down and Hunter brings him and soothes him and calls daughter over to be the good mom. I get hit, kicked, scratched and spit at trying to keep everyone safe while Hunter is shut down, but now that it’s easy she’s the hero.

Now she won’t order because she is taking care of Son. She is the best mom in the world and I’m a jerk for being upset that she still won’t take five minutes to order dinner because she didn’t want anything that I wanted. So I told her that it was wrong that she is only willing to help once it’s easy. I shouldn’t have to do the hard work and she take credit for everything. She says she will go to her brothers for the evening because he has a party going on.

Wtf – seriously did she pick this fight just so she could go get drunk and fuck some random dude? I just cannot fathom the depth if her issues.

She finally orders and goes to pick up while Son and I play Wii.

She’s pissed all during dinner and I refuse to talk to her. Something in her snapped after dinner and she started humming and pretending to be the good mom. She is psychotic – glad I’m no longer married to her tomorrow. What a waste of my life and I’m getting to the point that her life is going to be hell since she refuses to release me.

Did she do the cost splitting schedule she said she was going to do? NO

Did she start the refi process? NO

Did she spend time digging up and going through my stuff to get the old partnership agreement? YES

Goes through my room, goes through my iPad, and work computer snooping for things and I’m the jerk.

FYI – funny how she had a dr appointment at the end of 2003 just like her book said she was pregnant. She is fucked up…

12/30/13 – Being A Little Brat Again

Woke up around 4 again. I can’t wait to get rid of this head cold so I can start working out again.

I talked with God again but did it quietly and made sure not to say anything negative about Hunter. Not just because she’s taking notes, but because it’s not healthy for me. Unfortunately, I’m sure she will write down lies to make herself look like the victim not the predator. But seriously 12 years of my life and she is fighting over money. Shouldn’t a person feel guilt for ruining my life? This while marriage has been a lie for her convenience and now that I don’t make enough money she can throw me away. I can see why both her parents don’t like her. She is not a good person. If she really loved daughter she would let her go but it’s all about the money with Hunter.

Son came in my room this morning for a change and then daughter. I was able to get them both ready to go, but Hunter was still sleeping at 7am. The music I payed for daughter to get her going woke her up and yes she was in a less than pleasant mood. I’m guessing she didn’t sleep much. I am sure the scratch post time and then straight to bed confused her. But why sit there and stew about her infidelity in front of her. No value. Go to sleep and get up early – just need to get rid of this cold so I can work out and keep that timing. What a great value being single might be if I can make the numbers work.

I payed her a couple of compliments on her new tunic and helped her out by giving her a confidential print out from QCOM. She won’t even be in the same room as me. Again I’m sure she heard what she wanted this morning but I was very clear in not saying anything negative.

What a brat at the attorneys office. I can’t believe this whole time everyone is sitting there going sure we can do that but not today. At least I got the attorney to waive privilege on the documents in case I need them. Now I just need to get Kendall to get the 12/31 financials done ASAP.

I talked with her about her anger after the attorneys. She says she didn’t hear anything and I told her I am going out of my way not to be angry. It’s not healthy for me or the kids.

– go ahead and be angry

– why so you can write it down in your notes and go file some trumped up charge.

– …

– you know I had my life stolen from me like some grifters movie and yet you get to be angry with me.

– why would you think that?

– that’s what you said.

– I never said that

– you told me you only married me for the engagement ring, you lined up a replacement for me in less than a year, you did all the things that you did, lied about when it didn’t work out, stayed with me because I was doing well in my job, and now that I’m not earning that much and you can afford this place on your own you throw me away. Those are your words not mine.

– she walks away and doesn’t respond

I’m sure she is steaming again over how she wasted her life with me which just infuriates me. She chose to lie to me, to stay with me, to pretend we were a family until she didn’t need my money anymore. I know she thought I would just move to OC and pay my checks. She has said it on a couple of occasions. “I just assumed you would move back where your job is and visit on the weekends.” Imagine what those checks would have been to write – $2,500 a month. I would still be paying her mortgage which is what I think she was betting on. All about the Benjamin’s with her. I don’t get her ability to switch personas so quickly. She doesn’t qualify as a sociopath since she cut herself so much in Jr & high schools plus when Chris left. I just wish I could walk away without any obligations and start a new life. But my sense of responsibility won’t let me and she knows how much I love those kids. It’s her only tactic to ruin me, but I hope God will provide.

Interesting afternoon. I left her and Son alone most afternoon at the dealership getting my oil changed and the car washed, bought a book on beer and Haim for daughter.

Started napping on the couch when Hunter and Son came back from the pool and she snuggled with me for an hour or so with lots of kisses. I told her I loved her and that I didn’t expect her to say it back. Just she needed to know and that isn’t changing anything. She seems a lot more comfortable when I give her a little love reassurance. It helps – just need to keep me from getting too caught up in it again.

Of course tonight she wants the snuggle but won’t admit it. When she moves because she’s uncomfortable I move over and gets upset. Then I suggest she go to bed and she gets really upset. I told her I wasn’t going with her and she got more upset. I asked her why she was getting upset and she didn’t have an answer.

Son is upset since the lights are off and we are watching tv. So I tell him I will come upstairs. I let Hunter know what is going on and tell her she can come upstairs for some inappropriate snuggle. Then she does and wonders why is stick my hand down her pants grabbing her ass. She doesn’t tell me to stop. She doesn’t get upset. She just hangs out. However, when she leaves and I tell her she can stay she yips about not coming up here again. I told her in advance what I wanted so why the issues. She crazy…

12/29/13 – Hunter Is Stalking Me

Woke up around 7 and wanted to go snuggle and didn’t. Good start to my day. Still wonder where Hunter went off to. I am guessing she went to a local joint for dinner or a drink to get hit on and feel better about herself. She’s only happy if someone wants to fuck her. She was either molested or the date rape loss of her virginity messed up her psyche in a way that she will never be able to undue without professional help. God knows she will never do that.

I got another reply from Mejkan. Not a single question for me but she initiated the last contact so she must at least be trying to keep something moving. Nice to know that there are opportunities out there. Listening to L talk about being asked for hookups I feel sorry for Hunter. That will play right into her weaknesses and she will eventually hate herself more. I know she thinks she is being loved but only used. Part of the reason I am not going down this morning. I will just want to take things further and she will feel used which is probably more of an accurate statement now. Since she is taking notes and possibly meeting other people on line there is no value unless she approaches me. The best part – she fill be getting laid more than me but I am the one who has a remote chance of finding happiness. Besides her soulmate is in Seattle.

She grilled me a little this morning. “That’s all you got for shopping that long?”

I didn’t take the bait. Just spoke about the Outlet Mall and showed her the pants. Ordered a black pair online too.

It appears she took a walk and looked at houses for me. Then B&N, then she went to the Craftsman for a burger. Interesting since her burger joint is The Counter. Either she was hoping to run into me there since that’s the place I like and have taken friends there or she met someone there. I’m not sure which. I can see both as plausible. She did get straight to her phone when I was leaving and texted someone then asked when I would be home. I’m sure I will know she I see the credit card bill.

We are at the park and she keeps yelling at the kids in front of everyone. She can easily just walk over to Son and talk to him or gently let daughter know not to pet the strange dog but no – got to yell in front of all the other parents. Maybe it’s the hot single blond that I briefly talked with. I am obviously not her type but I am tired of not being friendly because of her. I’m sure if there is no receipt she met someone there. I would guess she kissed him if she did meet someone but out of obligation since she doesn’t seem happy. More likely she was hoping to run into me.

Son is upstairs watching tv in my room. Hunter is sleeping in her room and I’m exhausted with the head cold.

L checked out my profile again. Not sure what she was looking for or if the name change got her. Either way I’m now curious if she’ll be interested in a friendship. I’m guessing not but I’ll call her midweek and see what’s up.

Go Chargers!

I asked to download the pictures in Hunter’s phone as she said I could several times. Obviously paranoid that I’m looking for something. She changed the password in her phone and used the word “access” when she talked about giving me the new one. She knows I checked her phone legally. Must have spoken with her brother or dad. Maybe if she wasn’t so messed up and constantly lying we wouldn’t be here but I guess I need to get used to being broke because she is losing it again.

She has been screaming at Son for almost 20 minutes because he shoved daughter really hard. Now he has to be last at everything. I keep telling her there is a healthier way for daughter to grow up but that would cost Hunter money and we know where that goes. She is becoming one sad little person.

I should have known today was going to be tough. Hunter was checking out all day sitting on the front room couch doing the crossword puzzle. At the park I asked what her end game was for the divorce. What the value of the house was? She started getting upset. She talked about how it’s not worth much more than what we paid for. She was looking at the other houses for the valuation not for me. She made comments about the value of the firm and how convenient it is and how unfair this is to her. I reminded her the only person this is unfair to is me. The only person the marriage was convenient for was her. I’m tired of the little girl who wants and whines but does not accept responsibility. She even knows the best for daughter but doesn’t want to pay the price of support. Not that she really cares about her. Her BPD is irritating to me since she doesn’t care to get help.

So we have to leave the park early because the kids want her since she is walking away taking a break. Of course there goes Hunter flipping out because her kids need her. We get home and she bangs and slams cabinets and I go for a walk. She doesn’t qualify as an anti-social personality disorder but closer to BDP and narcissism. Crazy sad little girl. What a nightmare I am in.

From an OKC point I took my sisters advice and put the fact that I am separated on the profile. I’m guessing the dating is over. At least I can network and go to lodge for friends and social needs.

Now all of the anger and yelling by Hunter is put Son in a complete meltdown over taking his shower first. Of course, she locks her self in her room because she can’t handle all of this and I am up here watching over Son to make sure he doesn’t hurt himself and daughter is alone downstairs. Not really appropriate for a three year old with a proclivity for eating in edible objects and climbing on everything. But what is a dad supposed to do when the mother is checking out again because she can’t handle all of this.

She create this mess and then walks away when it’s too hard. I hope at some point in time she learns to accept her failures and ask Holli, Chris, and myself for forgiveness. It is probably the only way she will forgive herself and grow spiritually and have a chance at a happy life. Maybe the only chance any of us will have if she keeps down this self destructive path without professional help. God help us all.

So I spend the next 30 minutes watching daughter as Hunter plays the piano as loud as possible and yelling at Son to sit down. At one point in time she drags him across the floor to where he is supposed to be. I can’t do much since daughter is in the bath but make some constructive comments when things are out of control. She doesn’t listen. Eventually he starts to draw and things calm down. I take care of daughter (clothes, hair, teeth) and send her downstairs. I come down and she is snuggling with Hunter. Even daughter recognizes her issues and needs. So sad that a three year-old has to mother a 38 year-old. Strange world.

Gave Hunter scratch post time to help alleviate the anger. Then a shot of a Bravo show in Chicago and I hear is Hunter’s voice going on about hooking up with Chris in Chicago. Fuck me – I’m tired of the pain and anger. Starting to keep talking myself out of the anger but not as good as reducing the hurt. I still can’t fucking believe I am in this hell. Why would somebody do what she did? I’m mystified – just something I will never understand and probably don’t want to. I hope she is overly agreeable on the divorce so I don’t get nasty and angry with her. She doesn’t recognize how embarrassed and hurt she will be when I get true and honest when people ask. Greed and arrogance are not qualities people will appreciate even if they don’t like me they will hate her more.

12/27/13 – She Is Dressing To Catch A Man

So I woke up around 1:30 ranting again. I know it’s not healthy – at least no one can hear me. I have got to stop reading that shit. Didn’t even mean to it was just on the computer when I was cleaning it up.

Working from home today to skip the drive. It shouldn’t take too long this morning and then my call at noon. Then I can get the car washed, withdraw some cash, and go to the gym. Hopefully, I can keep my mouth shut around Hunter.

Kornberg – 49.5″ & 58# – good percentile!

Of course Hunter’s tunic today is a bit short – hardly covering her ass. She must be totally on the prowl again. I am sure two nights alone in her room have made her a bit lonely. She isn’t willing to do what right because it would mean losing me as a stabilizing factor. Maybe Kornberg would fuck that. I would and I am sure I was close to getting in there again. I heard it in her voice a couple of days ago – the “if I fuck you can I go to sleep after?” She did a lot of that this summer. Not anymore from my side. Maybe being celibate is the right thing for me for a while. I hope Hunter figures that out but base on her dress style she is DTF AGAIN. Will there ever be a time where she decides to make honest friends? Not just using her body to make them. Her pathology is so messed up right now. It scares me how messed up I was to let this go on so long. At least santoria woke me to my issues.

Still alternating between anger and love. She walks in today from her brother and I all I want to do is hug her and talk with her. I know I can’t but it’s this struggle that kills me right now. She doesn’t care – she just wants to be free but can never be that way with me around. I just want to keep my lifestyle that I gave her. I will try one last time to get her to do the right thing but she is probably not into it.

I started to figure out why I am so freaking out (besides the money) is the loneliness. She has always been lonely with the exception of when she starts to fall in love then she gets lonely. She is used to it. I am not so I keep looking at email, FB, text, and OKC to see if there is anyone out there willing to reach out to me. Because I’m lonely and feel her loss creates a greater loneliness than I’ve ever known. I guess with this insight I can lean to bifurcate my feelings of loneliness and love. Let’s try tonight.

Sat in the chair all night. Watched tv together although I was on the phone all night. She seemed happy – I’m guessing she needs companionship too. She left at 9:30 and so did I.

12/25/13 – Chinese Food Christmas

The morning went off without a hitch. Slept in a little. Kids opened all of the gifts. Daughter wanted more. Son no as much but he got through them all. He is so in love with the Octonauts set, and it was nice to see Hunter building things so they can play. Maybe her BPD will morph into the mother role and keep her pussy from becoming a sewage dump.

I know she doesn’t want to be with me physically but I’m guessing I’m going to keep pushing it until it completely breaks the relationship. Not healthy but probably necessary to start moving on. Plus she was so nice to give my parents and me gifts today. Then again I couldn’t because she would never where them…

Went to my sisters with Son and things went well. We took off to get home by 3:30 so we could go to dinner. She didn’t each lunch so she’s hungry. I suggest take-out since Son has never done well at Chin’s but Hunter wants to go out. Twenty minute plus drive and she wants to dictate the meal which is fine with me. She picks the Pu-Pu platter for the kids instead of meals and we split a meal and soup. She eats 1/3 of the Pu-Pu platter (I eat nothing but 1/2 of Sons egg roll) and two cups of soup.

Of course the kids are still hungry and I share my half of the shrimp dish and my rice with Piper. Son flips out over food in his teeth. Daughter needs to go to the bathroom and those two things sets Hunter off. I try and keep a happy face and get a toothpick so Hunter can get the food out of Sons teeth.

She keeps threatening them with no ice cream, taking them out side, etc, and I’m just starting to break down. Then she starts yelling at Daughter when the kids are going back and forth. Each one making face and noises at the other, but does she even look at Son. NO. SHE JUST YELLS AT HER AND LETS SON HAVE A FREE RIDE. SHE IS GOING TO DESTROY HER. IF IT WASNT FOR THE MONEY OR EMBARRASSMENT SHE WOULD ABANDON BOTH OF THEM. The right move is to let Piper and I go and send her checks. This idea pisses me off more so do I go to my happy place – no. Just blank. I haven’t looked her in the eyes or said more than 10 words to her in an hour +. Why waste time and energy on this women if she isn’t even going to work on herself.

She even complained about the music on the radio on the way home (“1975” – yeah they are hip right now). I told her she could change it but “no” I just said I didn’t like it. I’m in fucking hell.

Three fortune cookies with the check – does she offer me one – no. All for her and the kids. But please let me pay. Get home and she is yelling at the kids to talk to her dad. Don’t know if she got to her mom, but probably not.

Twelve years of this bitch attitude. Nothing is ever good enough for her and yet she lies, cheats, steals, and ignores the needs of her family and friends for her own personal desires. At what point is this woman going to get it. I hope there is a special place in hell for her and Chris. I more and more want to get a hold of that email from Holli and send it to Hunter. What a way to extract vengeance on the life she stole from me.

Rudolph on the tv – Daughter knows so much. She is smart in a very different way.

12/22/13 – Date of Dissolution

Started the day with Piper sneaking in bed before 5am. Around 6 came on the tv. Around 7am Son was still asleep so I went downstairs to snuggle with Hunter. She didn’t even blink when I came in the bed. She just rolled on we back and put my hand on her stomach which I love and she hates. We snuggle for a half hour before I kissed her on he lips which irritated her. She is definitely confused. Need to keep reading the book to understand how her mind works and how to make thing better for all of us.

Went the zoo – not too bad until the end when she started to lose it with my comments. But I think it is unfair to invite Son to make Xmas cookies on Monday but Piper who is literally sitting next to her. She shouldn’t just use spr for friends and not feed her emotional needs. It’s not fair to daughter. Unlike Hunter I may not bond with him like I do Daughter but I make sure to talk and play with him everyday.

So the Chargers won – I did some work and Hunter went ape shit. She didn’t get a nap. Daughter didn’t nap. Son has been needy and crying a lot because of it. With all that I started yelling too. Now I am upstairs taking a break to get away from everything. She can really flip a lid.

I asked her if the physical stuff was affecting her.

– No, right now it’s the kids and Daughter didn’t nap and the stuff about dates (asked her what the date if dissolution should be – she agreed to 12/31 with the I’m sure I’m getting screwed – yeah you and Chris I got fucked over you condescending bitch).

– Are you sure?

– Yes but I’m sure I’m going to get yelled at because you think I want it.

– Ok, I’ll stop if that helps.

– Yes, no. That’s fine. Maybe it’s better

– OK, we’re done with it. Go to the store and get away from the kids.

For me that means withdrawing emotionally as well and that will make here feel abandonment issues I’m sure. I’m guessing that she emotionally is just looking to get custody settled with the thought that I will just move out and we won’t have I deal with any of the other stuff for a while or we can somehow figure this out.

I don’t think she wants the relationship with me. I’m almost sure of that now that she had to admit to things and what I said that one night. At least it will give me enough time to tape more tidbits for court if I need them. I know she thinks she wants to be alone, but she also doesn’t want to have to answer questions or actually feel alone. I think that is why she will take her naps downstairs with me watching tv or hang out on the couch an touch legs with me. She needs someone; not necessarily me.

She still hasn’t made arrangements with Kelsey (play date with Drew) or Monica (play date with Blake) or her brother for the holidays. She is going to so something on the 27th and that gives me time to settle on issue with the court and financials. I’m sure it will cost me $5k to get this thing done her way, but if I can end up with $275k plus everything else that should work. Then again I may end up with both kids or at least Daughter (which I keep pushing for since it’s what I really want – we have so much fun :)…

I know it’s not healthy for son but Hunter is not going to be able to handle the two of them and all of the baggage that will come with her promiscuity after the divorce and she starts getting lonely. Unlike most women she can’t tell the good guys from the bad (Chris is an obvious issue).

Part of me is dying to call Holli and see if she still has that email. I know it’s a long shot but what luck would it be if I could get a hold of it. I would own her for the rest of her life. No BS about custody or money or anything. It would always be her inability to handle the world because of who she is. Maybe she would finally have to come to terms with it and own her history and heal. Only heaven knows what it would do. I can only hope God knows what’s best for everyone.

12/20/13 – Ben Thinks – Borderline Personality Disorder

Ok – this was one f’d up day. I was able to get a little work done. Saw Ben and I talked a lot – he suggested a book to read to understand Hunter. He thinks he is borderline personality disorder. Probably true before kids. I’m guessing when I leave she will loose it. The books title – I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me. Yeah that totally fits. He also told me that he guessed if I shut up and just hung out with her not mentioning that past or pissing her off we would be having sex and staying married in six months. But we both agreed it would be living a lie and is that what I really want? He was also proud of me going on the dating site – me moving on.

We fought this morning. Again with distance we fight. Without it we don’t. It makes her feel better to get it and I have to be the one to ask for it.

She said she would never have sex with me again. I’m going to take that as a challenge. We snuggled in her bed withy hand on her ass most of the time. She doesn’t like it initially but acquiesces mainly because it makes her feel loved and appreciated. It’s going to be an interesting few weeks.

Liane wrote me back and I sent her another msg tonight. I’m guessing she has a lot of guys she is talking with on the site. She knows the game really well. It is nice to learn from her. I may still pay the $20 for the eBook I saw and see how it works on a different dating site. Right now I am just comfortable with msg – not live but if things keep moving I can see getting coffee with Liane when her husband has her son the second week of vacation.

Need to start working out again. Need to refocus the efforts before shit goes sideways. Also need to get some work done before Monday so must of it is completed for just me signature.

Hunter flipped out after dinner again. Mostly me pushing the hugging and snuggling. She doesn’t get it. She can’t flirt with me and then get mad when I hug her and grab her ass. She can’t put head on my chest in exhaustion and not expect me to hug her. Then she flips out.

She ripped daughter a new one again. I ended up talking her out of crying herself to sleep again. I think I got it on tape and will load it up on today’s blog for prosperity sake. I need to keep getting the data to get my daughter away from her and Son.

Now it’s reading the BPD book and see what it’s like. So far the first few pages describes her to a T right now – stressed, angry, moody, snaps on a dime, trouble sleeping, appetite, sex drive, and energy all gone. The only thing she seems to have time and energy for is work and the divorce documents which she again has lied on (as I saw them today in the truck and she threw away the memory book – she is definitely done – things did change a month ago for her). Eventually the courts and her separate attorney will make the changes on her behalf and start getting her to cut me checks.

I’m thinking about giving myself a $1k for Xmas gifts to myself – a guitar, Tony Robbins online, and some clothes. I should I have the money but I feel cheep…need to keep thinking good thoughts.

Blackbird by the Beatles keeps replaying in my car and head. Great song – thank you Jen!