12/29/14 – Changing Calendars

I would say I don’t know why the hate is back but I know it’s her infidelity. I know in all divorces is tough to see your ex date again, but when they were cheating and using you I think it hurts more. Being thrown away like trash for a psycho sucks, but the fact that she used me for her own career and financial gain while the move destroyed my career and tool away my business hurts even more.

Not only did she change the calendar on 12/8 so she would get the kids back on Saturday instead of Sunday, then she needs me to watch the kids longer on 12/31 because she has a hair appointment, then when I pick them up yesterday she tells me that she expected me to keep them until Monday and that I should keep them on new years eve.

First she needs them early, now not at all. And her email makes a veiled reference to her having plans on other evenings. Tonight she isn’t available to talk with the kids, but an hour or two later she texts me she has been doing laundry all evening. I don’t know why I can’t believe her. Probably just habit. She isn’t one to be honest with any consistency.

I’m sure it’s still part of yesterday. Picking up the kids and my son is going on about the presents he got from Hunters brother (which are ones I had gotten him), and then all of the shit regarding the timing of the kids and her denial of changing the calendar. She finally asks me “when did I change the calendar huh?” So I tell her the date and start yelling at her to stop lying and attempting to control and manipulate me and she walks away and starts crying.

It’s obvious all of this bullshit over the calendar and her emails about NYE and can I watch them longer if I don’t have plans and her email about her not having plans that evening are really her BPD in force trying to figure out my life.

I went to get Holiday Bowl on Saturday and it’s the one day she didn’t call. I’m guessing she must have assumed I was watching it or there. Strange she didn’t have the kids contact me that day.

And as is traditon with her for longer stays, she packed five days of meds and eight days of clothes for my son and no regular shoes for my daughter. On weekends there is most never a problem with meds. Maybe once this last year. But enough meds through Saturday with her having them the morning of the new year, but clothes for over a week. Her mind must have been splitting on thinking about this. Any small thing that would require me to stop by early so she can see the kids.

The worst part is my daughter is internalized that she is a bad girl. Her adhd seems to be ratcheting up, and my son keeps telling me that mom just let’s her do what she wants to do. That makes life hard over here as I don’t allow her to act that way. She doesn’t get to break toys or call me mean names or spill things for attention. I may skip NYE just to keep her and see if I can break her of some habits and help her get out of the “I can’t control it my brain doesn’t work right.”

Thankfully, my son was amazing for most of the day. The couple of times I praised him and told him how proud I was of him a couple of times. It is fun to watch how excited he gets when I tell him that. Sometimes he will ask “really?” Sometimes he jumps up and down. He always smiles and I think he really appreciates me telling him and I hope it reinforces positive behaviors in the future. It’s the only thing I ever see creates a positive emotional reaction related to behavior.

The worst part is all this shit and holiday depression has me putting on 10 pounds. I ordered a rowing machine to get here in two days and will cancel my gym membership since I can’t seem to get there. That needs to be a priority in the new year. I can’t date, or bring in new business if I’m depressed and overweight. Thin and confident wins the race. I just hope God has an answer for me somewhere. I hope Hunter figures her shit out before I have to completely withdraw all the help my family and I provide her. Fuck I hate this anger. Need to meditate more again and eliminate it. Why can’t she just leave me alone?