12/29/14 – Changing Calendars

I would say I don’t know why the hate is back but I know it’s her infidelity. I know in all divorces is tough to see your ex date again, but when they were cheating and using you I think it hurts more. Being thrown away like trash for a psycho sucks, but the fact that she used me for her own career and financial gain while the move destroyed my career and tool away my business hurts even more.

Not only did she change the calendar on 12/8 so she would get the kids back on Saturday instead of Sunday, then she needs me to watch the kids longer on 12/31 because she has a hair appointment, then when I pick them up yesterday she tells me that she expected me to keep them until Monday and that I should keep them on new years eve.

First she needs them early, now not at all. And her email makes a veiled reference to her having plans on other evenings. Tonight she isn’t available to talk with the kids, but an hour or two later she texts me she has been doing laundry all evening. I don’t know why I can’t believe her. Probably just habit. She isn’t one to be honest with any consistency.

I’m sure it’s still part of yesterday. Picking up the kids and my son is going on about the presents he got from Hunters brother (which are ones I had gotten him), and then all of the shit regarding the timing of the kids and her denial of changing the calendar. She finally asks me “when did I change the calendar huh?” So I tell her the date and start yelling at her to stop lying and attempting to control and manipulate me and she walks away and starts crying.

It’s obvious all of this bullshit over the calendar and her emails about NYE and can I watch them longer if I don’t have plans and her email about her not having plans that evening are really her BPD in force trying to figure out my life.

I went to get Holiday Bowl on Saturday and it’s the one day she didn’t call. I’m guessing she must have assumed I was watching it or there. Strange she didn’t have the kids contact me that day.

And as is traditon with her for longer stays, she packed five days of meds and eight days of clothes for my son and no regular shoes for my daughter. On weekends there is most never a problem with meds. Maybe once this last year. But enough meds through Saturday with her having them the morning of the new year, but clothes for over a week. Her mind must have been splitting on thinking about this. Any small thing that would require me to stop by early so she can see the kids.

The worst part is my daughter is internalized that she is a bad girl. Her adhd seems to be ratcheting up, and my son keeps telling me that mom just let’s her do what she wants to do. That makes life hard over here as I don’t allow her to act that way. She doesn’t get to break toys or call me mean names or spill things for attention. I may skip NYE just to keep her and see if I can break her of some habits and help her get out of the “I can’t control it my brain doesn’t work right.”

Thankfully, my son was amazing for most of the day. The couple of times I praised him and told him how proud I was of him a couple of times. It is fun to watch how excited he gets when I tell him that. Sometimes he will ask “really?” Sometimes he jumps up and down. He always smiles and I think he really appreciates me telling him and I hope it reinforces positive behaviors in the future. It’s the only thing I ever see creates a positive emotional reaction related to behavior.

The worst part is all this shit and holiday depression has me putting on 10 pounds. I ordered a rowing machine to get here in two days and will cancel my gym membership since I can’t seem to get there. That needs to be a priority in the new year. I can’t date, or bring in new business if I’m depressed and overweight. Thin and confident wins the race. I just hope God has an answer for me somewhere. I hope Hunter figures her shit out before I have to completely withdraw all the help my family and I provide her. Fuck I hate this anger. Need to meditate more again and eliminate it. Why can’t she just leave me alone?

12/25/14 – Who Is Going To Protect The Kids?

It’s been a very long week; spending most of it with Hunter and the kids. Started Monday at the psychiatrist for my son and a lecture on getting his blood work done for the Abilify. Hunter was three months late on the schedule. She tells me she doesn’t need me, but she is “busy with work” so it never got done. The conversation turns towards counseling for him. His old counselor is no longer an intern and going out on her own so she is no longer covered under the insurance.

Actually – just not pre-approved. Based on my understanding of the insurance we could still submit bills and get some amount of reimbursement, but Hunter doesn’t want the hassle (since it’s her insurance), and an additional $3k or so is too much to try and not get reimbursed. Besides, our son is also going to a friend’s club for socializing and the insurance might not take both of them. I just hate that she keeps that control.

After the appointment I tell my son that I will be working on the top floor of the building we are at in 2015 since that’s where my new job is. I tell him he can tell his mom when she gets out of the bathroom. When she comes out he does, and she says congratulations and asks a little about the firm. I tell her you can cancel the meeting with the attorney (since we won’t be discussing spousal support with my job), and to get the MSA finished up. She asks me why? I tell her I didn’t think there was anything else to discuss, but if there was something else to let me know. As of today – no cancellation no comment.

On Tuesday we go to Children’s Hospital for my son’s blood draw which went fairly well. Only a few blood curdling screams and tears, but we don’t have to get “John” to hold him down or use anesthesia so that’s great. Hunter buys him and I breakfast at McDonald’s afterwards.

Then a dental appointment right afterwards, with a full teeth cleaning for my son and x-rays. Kid handled it like a champ. However, it’s going to be time for the ortho. Too big teeth, too little room.

After that she invites me in for lunch. She even offers me some of her sisters pistachio brittle which was nice. That afternoon we go to Christmas Eve Eve service. My daughter runs around like a madman and I play with her since we are early. Hunter doesn’t find this funny.

My son wins a dance contest at church, but won’t dance on stage in front of everyone. He just wants to win. He was so desperate to win, and he was so excited about it. It’s fun to watch him be a normal kid sometimes. Hunter takes us all out to dinner afterwards, and makes a small comment when I asked about the time to pick the kids up on the 24th. I find it funny that she always uses the kids as the impetus for me being around.

I stop by and pick up the kids the morning of Christmas Eve, and we hang out, play, and then head over to my parents for dinner. We open presents, hang out with my sister, and my son and I play lightsabers. He is getting better at it, and seems more relaxed when we do it now. More in the present and when my daughter walks out with a lightsaber he finds away for all three of us to play. I stand there a little proud of him.

Afterwards I drop them off at Hunters and we put cookies, milk, and carrots out for Santa and his reindeer. When I get home, the anger is swelling in me and I talk with my sister for a while. Afterward I watch The Interview and wrap gifts, then go to bed in a more relaxed mood.

This morning I got up and went over there around 8:30. We opened Santas, Hunters, and her family’s gifts. Afterward we go to the park to get some of their energy out.

At the park it starts to drizzle then rain a little and the kids (ours and two others ) hide under one of the slide setups, and Hunter and I hide under a different one (separate cubbies). The rain stops and the kids gravitate toward Hunter and I, then it starts up a little and my daughter pulls my son’s hair as he is trying to get under cover. Then he tries to poke her in the eye with a stick. I try and get his attention, then Hunter starts screaming at him.

Off he goes…a few blocks down the hill and Hunter takes off after him.

My daughter and I stay for a while then start walking back to her house. Then my son starts running up the hill screaming about hitting my daughter in the face, and spitting at us. I keep telling him to go home and take a break. I keep my daughter behind me for safety as he is throwing things behind the spitting and attempted hitting. When Hunter turns the corner up the hill I see it in my son’s eyes. When she gets close enough, she starts yelling at him to go home and he takes off again down the hill.

My daughter and I continue walking to her home. We get home and hang out for a few and when I’m in the bathroom I hear my son coming in with threats of violence and assume Hunter is behind him.

I come out and she is partially in tears and stressed. I ask what happened and she talks about how embarrassed she was since he went off in front of others. I get her a piece of candy and she eventually sits on the couch and checks out. I remember this from last year. She is blank again. There is no response going on in her presence. I tap her leg a couple of seperate times to bring her out of it without angering her.

My daughter tries to get her attention by playing with my son’s new Christmas toys in front of her and gets a small reaction. I tell her I will hang with the kids for a little while if she wants to take a walk or relax. She says no. Of course, it’s her ego making that call. The tears in her eyes are telling the truth.

I hang out a few more minutes until she gets back to the present then take off to my sister’s for an early dinner. I try not to worry about the kids. I don’t know how the rest of today will go for them, but I can’t help them either.

I get to my apartment around 2:30. I texted Hunter to see how she and the kids were almost a couple of hours ago, but no response. I know she was going to her grandmother for a visit, but not her brothers. I hope the takeout Chinese food dinner works well for the kids. It’s a tough day for everyone, but also good. I just hope it doesn’t get worse for them – or Hunter. I just don’t see things going well for her right now.

When I dropped them off on Christmas Eve at 7pm, she had fallen asleep on the couch watching Bravo and her wine glass was already empty on the counter. If we ever get divorced I fear for those kids as she will start coming unglued similar to after we got married and she started her secret drinking then her affair…and no one to protect the kids….

12/20/14 – Meltdown In Ocean Beach

As I right this I still can’t breathe without pain. Deep breathes are worse. It’s not a stinging pain, just the sensation of tightness. The knowledge that it took a beating and will need some time to heal. The left shin is slightly swollen and the toes on my right foot that were broken two years ago ache. The right side of my back slowly throbs with a slow dull heat from being stressed and stretched in a manner that it’s not used to. Surprisingly the right hip is hurting too, but I can’t pin down what would have happened to give rise to it. Needless to say the headache will be here for a while.

At least my son seems to be in good spirits. The only trace of the almost 30 minute meltdown in Ocean Beach is a small bruise on his back from hitting the curb when his footing slipped. That sharp pain took him out of the neural chemical rage storm he was stuck in, and turned him into a crying little child that after two minutes of sobbing didn’t have the energy to pick himself up off the curb so he layed slumped in my arms until he could regain his strength to walk back to Pizza Port.

I find it easier to restrain him on a curb. The extra couple of inches gives me a little better leverage to hold him for a longer period of time, and when you can get between two cars people have a hard time seeing you. That affords us a little anonymity, and personally keeps my fear of being detained by the police at bay.

Sadly, that’s what most of my time is spent thinking about when I’m in my CPI restraining position. That and protecting my chin from the headbutts. If someone were to call the police Hunter could really fuck me over and temporarily take the kids away. Not that I think she would do that anymore. I am sure she has come to enjoy the reprieve from those duties. Either to dance with strange men, Kendall Jackson, or just plain old Bravo, it is nice to be free of these things. I just wish I had her mentality sometimes to just jump in bed with someone so you don’t feel alone.

I know that isn’t healthy, and in the end you feel lonelier for trying to quench the thirst for intimacy with the drink of carnality. That’s a need that should be filled first by God and second by a committed partner. There can be no intimacy without trust, and there is no trust without commitment. Of course, on the drive home as I am trying to catch my breathe (at one point he caught me mid-breathe with a center chest headbutt and left me gasping for air), all I can think is that there is no woman in the world who would be willing to love me and my children. My dream of having a “partner in crime” the rest of my life is slowly becoming only that – a dream.

I have to give myself credit though for not even raising my voice or saying a mean word to him. I’ve come a very long way from a couple of years ago.

I have to give people credit for helping me out. A younger couple had tried to slow him down and a nice old woman came out and offered me a blanket since it was cold out. I’m sure Hunter doesn’t get those offers, but she also hasn’t learned to keep all this in perspective. I’m the one who will actually talk with people as I am trying to get him under control. I think people appreciate it when they fear a child is being harmed and they see a humble man dealing with something unimaginable in their lives.

When he’s twelve there will be no restraining. It will just be an APB or BOLO until they locate him. He’s already getting too strong for me over longer periods of time. Of course, it doesn’t help that he knows exactly where some of the weak points are. Left shin (fractured this summer with tendon and ligament damage), right toes (two previously broken), and headbutting my chest.

Funny, tonight was the first time in a while he wanted me to tuck him into bed and say prayers. Of course, he asks me if he can play minecraft next week. He’d worried tonight’s outburst will make me withhold it. I tell him he can play it again tomorrow but we are going to hold to our 20 minute rule.

All of the sound and activity in the restaurant and the birthday was just too much for him. After hanging with him for over an hour and a half I took a couple of minutes to play with my daughter and one of her cousins and he lost it. He needed to go to the bathroom and didn’t know where they were and I couldn’t hear him when me asked since I wasn’t sitting next to him. Sometimes there is no mercy for me. I always knew I lived an unusual life, but my son’s issues take a lot out of me.

Combine that with a mom who isn’t even interested in trying anymore and I’m tired. I tried again to engage her in finding ways to get more one on one time and it’s her usual – I have no ideas there is only so many ways to split up the weekend. We haven’t tried everything, but that would deny her some alone time. I can’t really blame her for that.

I texted her about what happened and asking for Sunday night with my daughter so I can take her to see some Christmas lights, but Hunter hasn’t responded. I’m sure she is out watching the charger game. If my son was NT the three of us would have been able to do the same with my nephews dad and his friends. People that might be someone to be friends with, but it’s hard to be friends with someone who spends time with my son. It’s not easy. Instead I live in this prison cell between my aspie and my borderline. I wish I knew of a way out.

To make matters worse again, I got the invite for my daughter for a bday party on my last Sunday of my winter break week. I send Hunter an email asking if she got it and no response. However, she goes onto our shared calendar and changes her pickup time from 5 pm on Sunday to 5 pm Saturday. Just so she can go to the party. WTF – I changed it back. Why must we always play these games?

12/18/14 – Always Looking For Negative Attention

Today was easy and productive. As I picked up the kids Hunter had put together a little care package of Christmas cookies she makes every year – the ones I really like. I had texted her to ask for Christmas gift bags and she brought over those as well. She is certainly being as nice as possible. With her it always makes me wonder why? Is it the guilt about my past job, or someone else, or a ploy to get me to bring my guard down, or trying to keep the divorce process going forward? I have no idea, but since her history with me is only use and abuse there is always something inside of me trying to figure out the why.

I really should just say thank you (which I always do) and move on with my life and not spend the energy on her why.

This afternoon I watched Oculus. For a new school paranormal suspense flick it was top notch. Great direction. Good suspense, and a monster amount of tension without unnecessary gore. The director really played the time sequencing to perfection. Right from the start your blood pressure and pulse are up and it really let’s the foot of the throttle.

Then I had to let my recruiter know I accepted the other opportunity. I also received two calls about how much they liked me from their partners. Hard to tell them what I need to tomorrow, but I needed a job down here and the timing was right with the other firm. I just hope I can stabilize the connections and try and work into the territory to drum up business or my life will be a very different reality next year.

At the end of a great night, my daughter hits my son right before leaving and my son goes on a rampage like I haven’t seen since this summer. Almost breaking the door. My daughter has gotten into hitting people when she doesn’t like the response. It’s something I’m sure she learned from her brother, but she is so into negative attention and that is exactly what she gets from Hunter, her brother, and me (trying to create safety) that it’s becoming her habit. Heaven help us when that negative behavior is fueled by teasing about her weight and her inattentiveness. She is going to be into drugs and inappropriate sexual behavior just like her mom was.

Texted hunter about trying to get more separation, but I think she really enjoys the time off from the kids. I’m not sure if it’s another guy or just the stress relief, but I know there is a lot of value in it. Funny, she showed up again tonight with a new top and her hair done up. I know there was some PTA meeting and kinder show at the school that she probably went to, but I haven’t seen her in not done hair in a while. Hopefully this nice play will continue and the firm I interviewed with early won’t be overly pissed at me. It had nothing to do with them just the circumstances. I hope God is leading down the right path.

Just finished texting Hunter about her ideas of getting more separation between the kids, and her typical response – there is only so many ways to try and we’ve tried them all (aka not going to think about it) and the it’s just them being kids (like son doesn’t have special challenges). Some days it really bothers me that she doesn’t want to get involved in steering the kids lives. That must be why all the teachers at daughters school don’t like her. I don’t know if they like me, but I know they don’t like her …

12/12/14 – Why Lie?

This is what always confuses me? Why lie about a phone? She told me she was going to get the new one. She told me once she got it she would get texts. I’m not sure I believe that she wouldn’t get the texts before hand but it could be plausible when using a temp phone. But with a new phone I know she got the text.

I saw the new charger today watching my son. I texted her about Skyping with the kids and she called. She doesn’t always call on a Friday and its been a while since we are not supposed to according to the MSA. Fridays and Saturdays are exempt, but if she got the new phone and the text why lie about it on Skype? There is no reason for it. No phone, no text. I sent her an email asking if she liked it and can I have her old iPhone charger. No response. Probably it will get ignored until I pick the kids up tomorrow.

That’s getting to be the last part of my mind. The constant puzzle of lies to unravel. I’m not even sure if I was always this way or if she just put my paranoia into overdrive.

It doesn’t help my sister isn’t really talking to me since I told her yesterday it wasn’t appropriate to yell at me over a minimal comment regarding spousal support from Hunter when thinking about job prospects. She blamed me for bringing Hunter up but I finally reminded her that she is in charge of her actions. Today I texted her that I would like to have a 2 min rule when it comes to Hunter. If I mention her for less than 2 minutes my sister ignores the comment. If greater than 2 minutes than she gently tells me she loves me but that she is not the person to talk to about Hunter. No response.

I get it she hates her and what she has done to me and everyone in my family. Especially all the lies Hunter is telling her family, but my sister needs to forgive her to if she is going to let go of the hate. Ignoring it doesn’t work. To heal you need to forgive. Something that Hunter can’t do for others or herself. So why would my sister want to live that way too?

12/9/14 – Another Hole In The Wall

I still have no idea why he gets so out of control with Hunter. I’m guessing it’s her inability to de-escalate the situation. Her rage and volatility do not work to his advantage, and I understand how difficult it is to manage him. Even after all of the effort I put into myself and my demeanor I still catch myself on occasion using a strong tone with him when he flys off the handle.

The difference is I am getting very good at reading him and recognizing when I am contributing to his outburst by bringing in the angry or harsh energy into his world. When I make that recognition I can calm myself down and then help him do the same. No one’s perfect, but at least I am working on myself. Right now I am sure Hunter is on her second or third drink to get over her fight with our son.

I hope we find a way that doesn’t just involve medication. Upping the Abilify doesn’t bother me too much since it would only be 3 mg which is a very small dose, but I don’t want it to be Hunter’s go to crutch. If it does it eventually will become my problem and my financial downfall as she will abandon him and I for her job and financial security. God help us all, and let the job offer come in tomorrow at better than expected…

12/7/14 – Another Secret Email Account

Wondering around waiting for an “offer” for a job is a bit frustrating. Especially after all of the subtle craziness from Hunter this weekend. When I pick up the kids she asks if we are doing joint presents as well as a joint day or not. I tell her I thought joint day separate presents but I would let her know since the kids where here.

After everyone is asleep I email Hunter about the presents and a laundry list of other things including counseling for son, pictures for daughter, Santa pics, and a separate email regarding Skype since she no longer has an iPhone for Face Time.

She originally only responds regarding Skype. Typical behaviour. I want to deal with seeing the kids so I don’t feel alone, but none of the heavy issues, but I have been playing nice with her so eventually she responds to the rest. Separate presents and then we set a limit.

We try and Skype on Sunday night but I can’t find her….she used a new Gmail address that I didn’t know about. It’s bad enough that she had a different Gmail account for a couple of years without telling me for “work video conferences.” I ask why she got a new one and she tells me it’s because she has an android phone and her IT group recommended it. Didn’t know android phones didn’t work with yahoo email, but if the phone required a Gmail address why not use the old one? Just another way to be secretive.

This morning I bring the kids to the house for school and she is already gone but the Christmas tree is up. My daughter cried because she wanted to pick it out and Hunter told her she could I guess. As we are waiting I see her Christmas list of presents for the kids.

This year (for the first time ever) her grandmother and dad are providing presents. Historically Hunter just pockets the cash she gets from them, but I guess my dollar limit wasn’t high enough so she is using it for Santa. I’m sure part of it is to compete with my family as they tend to over buy as compared to her side of the family. Since she makes more than any of us or anyone on her side of the family she feels the need to buy the kids love.

I guess I have to let her. What else is she going to bring to the table? It’s not like it’s a warm house to grow up in – just pretty.

I guess we will see if the offer letter comes tomorrow or not. I know it will be a significant reduction in pay, but maybe that is what my kids need right now. Besides Hunter can help with support for a while. And if she gets upset she can always email me from her new Gmail account.

I know it’s petty. All week every time I get too into a reconciliation fantasy my mind kicks in memories from her affair (real from my life or what she wrote about). A pre-programmed break from running down that path. Then my mind runs down the anger and hatred path and that sucks too. So now I just ask God to take my love and my hate for her and replace it with peace, compassion, and a vision of a better future without her. To use me a vessel for His forgiveness and maybe one day I will be fully forgiving as well.

It’s not an easy thing to ask for, buts it’s easier than the other two options and in the end I can’t fix her or change her. That’s her journey and this is mine. I would just like to find a way to extract myself from her insanity since the more I revolve in her out of control orbit the worse my life gets and the worse for the kids. Even they like a calm (er) life with my few material possessions. At least I don’t have to constantly change my email addresses for secrecy…