1/17/18 – The Voices

Watching the movie The Voices. It stars Ryan Reynolds as a schizophrenic psychopath. He ends up murdering people. First accidentally, then intentionally. It’s a very dark comedy that after a while you start to feel sympathy for the devil.

I wonder what the hell I’m going to do with my life. I’m set adrift and can’t find an anchor anywhere. I’m trying to hold on to my faith, but with all of the setbacks I’m trying to wonder why I’m doing any of this.

Will there be a payoff that makes sense? Will I find what I’m looking for or just end up wondering why I did it? I can’t seem to catch a break right now so maybe this is all in my head.

I also wonder why God wants me in San Diego. Nothing ever good happened to me there. There are a lot of people that don’t like me because of the lies that Joy and Gina have told about me. All to cover their egos. Such a sad little 3040 Group. No honor, no love, only adultery, lies, deceit and deception. And they all wonder why they don’t have a Pastor yet.

In the end I need to start focusing on me. I can’t change the fact that Heidi stole 10 years and $1.2 million. She spends her money on a gay man named Chris who knits and cheats on her. Not that she would believe it. She thinks no one cheats on her, but Don was sleeping with other women besides Heidi and his wife. Chris is doing the same and I’ve seen it.

She thinks no one wants to cheat on her, but her weight loss is symbolic of her guilt and slow death. I don’t expect to see her survive this year. Even if my daughter tells me that she eats more. She is still getting smaller than is healthy. There is a part of me that wishes she would die, but that would just mean the three of us would starve to death.

I guess I can’t change the past, only the future. I should start making smarter choices soon before I get to heavy to lose weight and won’t make the 1/2 marathon in June.