1/28/18 – Between Two Worlds

I sit here in a parking lot to serve the homeless and I know I have nothing to do afterwards. I don’t even get the basic stations on U-verse. I wonder what is everyone else doing today.

They are partying, and having a great time. I’m get to serve and then go home and workout. No parties for me. Maybe an opportunity to do some good, but it’s lonely some days.

I’m not in school yet. I’m not connected at Saddleback although I met a few people last night. Not that it will make a difference. All of them were women. Younger, older, only one my age and there is no spark. You never know what the future holds, but I’m sure it’s not in Orange County.

My Father keeps pushing me to San Diego. I’m not sure why? All the horrible things I lived through were down there. Everything that I loved died in San Diego County.

Maybe it’s a growth opportunity? Maybe it’s just my insanity going amuck and things are going from bad to worse down there? Maybe I just want life to be over by now after all I’ve been through.

Then again if Heidi keeps working out she may be getting close to a hospital stay after a while. Not sure where I would live, but I would use her house while I take care of the kids. Someday’s I just have no idea what my Father has in store for me.

Hopefully, I will find out soon.

No one seemed to show up so I went home. Sad to spend the time and gas to serve and no one was there except the police. Maybe I left too early? However, no one was there 10 minutes after the start time. I’m not sure I understand. Maybe things will work out soon?

Next week I have the kids and have to find something to do with the Super Bowl. I hope I can find something to do. I’m sure Heidi will be partying. She doesn’t seem to care about the kids.

I emailed her that my daughter wanted 1:1 time, but she said no. She doesn’t want to give up her time with Chris. What a sad state of affairs where she cares so little for the kids and only cares about her boyfriend. A guy who knits and uses her for money and sex. He even cheats on her but she doesn’t care. As long as she is not alone.

12/30/17 – Fears

I keep having this recurring nightmare. Heidi is on an anorexia kick, and I know she will get totally hammered on NYE. I keep having this nightmare that she will pick up the kids on January 1st and still be drunk. I know that after three years she has been going on about the anorexia, and it’s about this time that her organs could start to shut down.

I don’t know how to handle the thoughts running through my head. I know that if the kids passed away I’m sure my parents would have some heart issues. In my nightmare both my kids and my parents die within a week. I’m sure it is not going to be real, but the fear still lingers. I’m sure my mind is just trying to get a handle on my future since Heidi will eventually leave this earth soon with her alcoholism and anorexia. I just don’t know how to stop it.

Is this the way my life is supposed to go? Or am I going crazy trying to protect my kids against things I can’t control?

Either way I’m not sure I can handle all the drama. There is a part of me that just wishes things were back to normal, but it’s been so long I don’t know what normal is anymore…

12/27/17 – It Must Be A Sick Day

My son threw up all over the place yesterday. I know he felt bad. Kids on the spectrum are not always able to process emotions completely. Thankfully we were able to get the D batteries needed for his Christmas toy. He loves it right now.

We also built some legos and I opened a ton of Monster High School toys for my daughter. I’m trying to get her to read more. She is behind grade level (1st grade). It’s hard to get her to concentrate. She is very smart, but seems to have problems reading. She is great in a lot of other things, but I don’t want her to flunk first grade and get left behind her friends.

I got the Amazon Rapids app. She seems happy with it, but does not use it as much as I would like. We will do some night reading every night so that I make sure she uses it. Thirty dollars for a one year app is a lot for an unemployed guy. But it’s for my kids. I guess I will starve to death unless there is an intervention soon.

Saddleback San Diego is going to look into an internship again. We shall see if things move forward or I will have to find new places to intern. Otherwise the M Div is worthless. I hope God can move hearts and minds for me when I need it!

12/24/17 – Waiting To Pickup The Kids

Heidi has been a little adversarial regarding timing. She seems to want control again. This isn’t usual for a Borderline. If you can’t control the inside world you try and control the outside world.

I’m binging Lucifer right now, and wrapped all of the packages for the kids for Christmas. Not sure how to keep things from Santa until the 25th. At least I will have stockings and a small toy to put out. I can get the stuffers on the 24th between services, and the toys as well. I can put them in the truck of my car.

I need to find out how much it will cost for an extended warranty and service program for WSC.

12/20/17 – Still Pushing Through

I met with a recruiter today at lunch. Things went the traditional route. A lot of talk, not much action. At least I got a free lunch out of the deal. It would nice to be working, but since it seems almost astronomical to find one now I’m not putting in much hope.

12/15/17 – Goal Setting

It’s been a long boring week. Not feeling well, and not exercising are not heathy traits that I need to instill in myself. Tonight I will go through a goal setting workshop. It takes a couple of hours and will help me get my head straight. I can’t stop missing the point unless I fail to move forward in life. Even if that life is not as financially rewarding as it used to be.

At least having some goals in mind for health, school, and financial needs will be beneficial. I also order most of my kids Christmas presents today. Sadly, they are getting to that age of wanting really expensive things. Things that I can no longer afford to buy them.

Hopefully, their mother will get them the more expensive things. My daughter keeps talking about all the presents she is buying them. I think part of it is guilt for the abuse, and part of her trying to buy their love. I know for my son that isn’t going to happen. He hates her. My daughter on the other hand, can be bought with presents. Hopefully, she will get what she desires, since I am not financially able to do so.

I am also hoping that somewhere down the line my Father will help with the bills. It would be nice to date and not worry so much about the money. If you don’t have money at this age you don’t get to play the game anymore. Oh well. Maybe in the next life!

12/14/17 – Not Feeling Well

Spent most of today just lazying around. I’ve got a cold of sorts, and wasn’t interested in finishing the day strong. I mostly just spent the day watching tv.

I’m sure there is nothing going on in my life right now, but I need to start moving in the right direction. Constantly fumbling around leads me to suicidal thoughts. There isn’t much to do in my life right now. I’m hoping my Father will intervene at some point in time and help me out financially. I will need some spending cash to go out in the world. I’ll also need some for dating if I decide to start that process again. Maybe in 2018?