11/8/18 – Another Hebrew Exam

I am so not ready for it. Maybe it’s time to pack up and leave school? It about time to find some work and get on with my life. There are things in place that will soon make my life easier. On Friday I will pick up the kids and see where everything leads me.

There is a point in time where you just can’t handle the workload and I am there now. I am not sure what God has planned for me, but I am hoping things will work out so that I don’t starve to death. If that does happen then that will be His will.

There is always a time where things are going darker than light, and maybe this is it. I will still learn the languages of God (Hebrew and Koine), but sometimes there is no reason to stumble so I can survive. I have to believe that God has a plan for my life. I have to hope that there is a need for me to survive for my kids and be able to take care of them. Without my kids in my life, I am not sure that things would work out well for them. They live in a house without love, and Heidi does not understand how to raise them properly.

At some point in time, everything will work out for His best. Maybe it’s time to live life like its the only life I have!

10/27/18 – Heidi works at EY

Now I’m starting to wonder if there is a God. He says he works out all things for my good, but I’m starting to doubt it. The enemy is in control of this world and it looks like I will starve to death if I can’t find a way out.

My daughter was crying on Thursday because I didn’t get the job. I missed class to see her gymnastics program, and now I’m late on a lot of stuff. I don’t think being at Westminister is for me. I need money and a place to live and without income, I’m screwed. I keep praying for Heidi to pass to make my life easy. I known I’m not supposed to, but that looks like the only way I shall survive. Otherwise, I will spend my savings on a condo and starve to death unless something comes out of nowhere.

I have thought that God is looking out for me. But it seems like the enemy is taking care of Heidi, but no one is looking out for me. I may have to move away from San Diego to find work. If that happens who will look after my kids. They will die with her.

11/2/18 – Heidi Is Changing My Blog’s Again

I told her that is she didn’t stop doing what she is doing I would take her to court and get her thrown in jail. I don’t think she cares. I think if she lost her job she would throw in the towel. She has gone completely mad by now, and certainly has no understanding of human decency. That’s why she changes everything I write. She is a monster of epic proportion, and I can’t feel that leaving the state will be necessary for me to heal.

She treats my children like shit, and they hate her for it. They can’t stand her when she calls the cops, or steals their money, or beats and chokes them, locks my daughter in her room, and throws away their toys. Her insanity is out of hand, which is why she has to buy her boyfriend. If she didn’t have money Chris would leave her for another women with money. All Heidi is a gold mine that Chris uses to stuff his own face.

10/24/18 – Served Again

This is from my Heidi’s attorney. He tells me that I am harassing and bullying her. Actually, I am just trying to get her to eat. I think she has this mindset that it would be better to die than to live.

That’s a sad position to be in. If she dies then I will be a single parent of a son on the Spectrum and a daughter with dyslexia. That will make it hard to date or go out. I will need help and relief from somewhere, otherwise this will be a long life.

I’m not sure where she is at right now. She is working on temp jobs without much help. She threatened my son with putting him in an institution on Friday for running off campus again. It’s a sad day to see her go off on him for doing what he normally does. She just doesn’t like that she had to pick him up.

At this point I am hoping she passes soon otherwise I will have to leave Seminary and start work someplace without insurance. That sucks for me!

10/15/18 – My Son’s IEP Meeting

It cracks me up that she is constantly looking at me in the meeting, but never before or after. It’s a game she like to play so that people feel we are on the same page. The saddest part is seeing the skin around her neck hanging down like an old person.

Today I am meeting with a recruiter for a job opportunity next Monday. I’m scared, but excited to see what the world has to offer. I know I have God’s heart and can read people without a lot of effort. That should help me in the future. I know people like people who are kind. My only issue is if Heidi dies I may never marry again. There are not a lot of people who are interested in taking care of a kid on the Spectrum and a daughter that has dyslexia.

There is a lot of work that needs to be done, and I need a lot of help to take care of the kids. This isn’t a fair life, but if I make it through to the end then maybe my reward will be there.

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

I guess I will never know the truth until it ends, and then it will be too late. At least I have a faith that believes in love, forgiveness, grace, and mercy. There are not a lot of people that feel that way about my faith. Most people are just hypocrites. They are bitter and mean and vengeful. That’s the reality at The Foundry at North Coast Calvary Chapel. Adulterer’s, Power Idolators, alcoholics, and drug users. No wonder God walked away from them a long time ago.

10/13/18 – Heidi Goes Off Again

This little girl goes off on me again because I took my son to the carnival at his school. Heidi wasn’t going to take him. She was too busy with her loser boyfriend who works at Lyft to do anything. I told her if she ever did that again I would have her arrested for violating the court order.

She told me she would have me arrested for not picking the kids up on time. I kept my son on school grounds and took him to the carnival. I doubt anyone is going to be upset about it – especially the cops when they laugh at her about the call.

At least I have four more cryotherapy sessions left. That should save me a little money. I did one yesterday. Man it is cold when you start to get a sense of just how cold it gets in there.

They raised the prices to $250 per ten. That changes the monthly cost for me. I still need to find medical and dental insurance. Otherwise if something happens I’m toast.

At least I’m not Heidi. She is angry bitter and mean. I can’t believe Chris stays with her except she pays for everything. He is such a loser to stay with someone for the money.

Even my kids hate her now. I don’t think are many people in this world that care about Heidi anymore. She is so rude, mean, and destructive that no one cares about her anymore. My kids even said that they wished she was dead so that they could be free. That’s the cost of living with a Borderline. You are never free until they are gone.

10/11/18 – More Drama

I keep thinking that Heidi will die soon. At least, I hope she doesn’t take my kids with her. There is always a possibility that they will perish with her.

The kids seem to be destined that their lives will end. I can’t seem to shake the reality that all of this is amiss. All I can think about is my life her at Seminary will end once she dies and I have to take care of the kids.

Maybe that is for the best. There are a lot of egos at this school. I don’t fit the mold, but maybe that’s the point. I am feeding His children while everyone else is trying to survive or find a mate. Most people are already married in this group, so at my age I’m the outlier. Then again that is what I usually am – on the outside trying to fit in.

At my age I really don’t care about the egos of others. I’m really just worried about my kids. There is a danger that I can seem to escape, and it is damaging my grades and motivation to be at Seminary.

Maybe God wanted me close to take care of the kids after Heidi has passed away. On Friday I saw her and the skin above the hairline crinkled when she smiled. There is not enough fat underneath the skin on her face to hold it in place.

I spent the time with my daughter, but Heidi spent it with her friend. I guess the children don’t matter to her anymore. She just wants out of this life. There is a suicide meeting today at lunch. I don’t have a seat, but the professor said I could go if I wanted to.

There is a point in time where everything will break lose on my life again, and I am sure I am just paying for my sins again. I guess that’s life.