11/20/18 – Heidi is Asking For A Favor

Her parents are in town and they want to see the kids even though it’s not her week. As usual, she has the arrogance and audacity to ask for a favor. It’s like she has no clue that she is interfering with my time with the kids.

She doesn’t care about anyone, but herself. The kids told me she is going to the Grand Canyon this week with Chris. I doubt she will survive the ordeal if she is hiking there. Otherwise, she will get drunk and eventually cave to her anorexia. Either way she is going to get her death either way. No one sees what I see. She is way too thin for her health.

Eventually, she will pass away and I will deal with the wreckage. It’s always me cleaning up her mess. I hope God has a plan for me, otherwise, we will all starve to death. I would have to see my kids die that way. They don’t deserve it. Neither do I.

I may have to move away to survive with the kids. We shall see what God has in store for me. It won’t be easy, but my kids are with it!

11/14/18 – Heidi Keeps Losing Weight

My daughter cried twice last weekend because she thinks her mom will die soon. She thinks people will make fun of her for losing her mom. I keep trying to tell her that people will take care of her. It’s a traumatic experience to lose a mom, and people will be nice to her.

At some point in time, Heidi will have a heart attack and die. That will leave me with two kids and no job. I will need to pick up the pieces of her broken life to help the kids figure out how to grieve.

I’m sure this will leave me broken and alone forever. My son is on the Spectrum, and my daughter is dyslexic. I doubt anyone would want to date me at that time. At least I will have my family and struggle with money all the days of my life until I find a job that pays enough for all of us. That probably won’t happen in San Diego.

I may have to move someplace else to find work, and that will leave the kids heartbroken my leaving their friends. I guess there is nothing I can do about it..

11/8/18 – Another Hebrew Exam

I am so not ready for it. Maybe it’s time to pack up and leave school? It about time to find some work and get on with my life. There are things in place that will soon make my life easier. On Friday I will pick up the kids and see where everything leads me.

There is a point in time where you just can’t handle the workload and I am there now. I am not sure what God has planned for me, but I am hoping things will work out so that I don’t starve to death. If that does happen then that will be His will.

There is always a time where things are going darker than light, and maybe this is it. I will still learn the languages of God (Hebrew and Koine), but sometimes there is no reason to stumble so I can survive. I have to believe that God has a plan for my life. I have to hope that there is a need for me to survive for my kids and be able to take care of them. Without my kids in my life, I am not sure that things would work out well for them. They live in a house without love, and Heidi does not understand how to raise them properly.

At some point in time, everything will work out for His best. Maybe it’s time to live life like its the only life I have!

10/27/18 – Heidi works at EY

Now I’m starting to wonder if there is a God. He says he works out all things for my good, but I’m starting to doubt it. The enemy is in control of this world and it looks like I will starve to death if I can’t find a way out.

My daughter was crying on Thursday because I didn’t get the job. I missed class to see her gymnastics program, and now I’m late on a lot of stuff. I don’t think being at Westminister is for me. I need money and a place to live and without income, I’m screwed. I keep praying for Heidi to pass to make my life easy. I known I’m not supposed to, but that looks like the only way I shall survive. Otherwise, I will spend my savings on a condo and starve to death unless something comes out of nowhere.

I have thought that God is looking out for me. But it seems like the enemy is taking care of Heidi, but no one is looking out for me. I may have to move away from San Diego to find work. If that happens who will look after my kids. They will die with her.

11/2/18 – Heidi Is Changing My Blog’s Again

I told her that is she didn’t stop doing what she is doing I would take her to court and get her thrown in jail. I don’t think she cares. I think if she lost her job she would throw in the towel. She has gone completely mad by now, and certainly has no understanding of human decency. That’s why she changes everything I write. She is a monster of epic proportion, and I can’t feel that leaving the state will be necessary for me to heal.

She treats my children like shit, and they hate her for it. They can’t stand her when she calls the cops, or steals their money, or beats and chokes them, locks my daughter in her room, and throws away their toys. Her insanity is out of hand, which is why she has to buy her boyfriend. If she didn’t have money Chris would leave her for another women with money. All Heidi is a gold mine that Chris uses to stuff his own face.

10/24/18 – Served Again

This is from my Heidi’s attorney. He tells me that I am harassing and bullying her. Actually, I am just trying to get her to eat. I think she has this mindset that it would be better to die than to live.

That’s a sad position to be in. If she dies then I will be a single parent of a son on the Spectrum and a daughter with dyslexia. That will make it hard to date or go out. I will need help and relief from somewhere, otherwise this will be a long life.

I’m not sure where she is at right now. She is working on temp jobs without much help. She threatened my son with putting him in an institution on Friday for running off campus again. It’s a sad day to see her go off on him for doing what he normally does. She just doesn’t like that she had to pick him up.

At this point I am hoping she passes soon otherwise I will have to leave Seminary and start work someplace without insurance. That sucks for me!

10/15/18 – My Son’s IEP Meeting

It cracks me up that she is constantly looking at me in the meeting, but never before or after. It’s a game she like to play so that people feel we are on the same page. The saddest part is seeing the skin around her neck hanging down like an old person.

Today I am meeting with a recruiter for a job opportunity next Monday. I’m scared, but excited to see what the world has to offer. I know I have God’s heart and can read people without a lot of effort. That should help me in the future. I know people like people who are kind. My only issue is if Heidi dies I may never marry again. There are not a lot of people who are interested in taking care of a kid on the Spectrum and a daughter that has dyslexia.

There is a lot of work that needs to be done, and I need a lot of help to take care of the kids. This isn’t a fair life, but if I make it through to the end then maybe my reward will be there.

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

I guess I will never know the truth until it ends, and then it will be too late. At least I have a faith that believes in love, forgiveness, grace, and mercy. There are not a lot of people that feel that way about my faith. Most people are just hypocrites. They are bitter and mean and vengeful. That’s the reality at The Foundry at North Coast Calvary Chapel. Adulterer’s, Power Idolators, alcoholics, and drug users. No wonder God walked away from them a long time ago.