5/26/15 – Her Need To Connect 

Hunter must be feeling needy today. Yesterday’s text were short, but she was at the airport our getting on the plane. I wasn’t sure. I was trying to time it shui she would be in the air already, and see it when she came back down. It was just to let her know that our son was doing great on the new increase in Abilify.  Our daughter on the other hand was really in desperate need of attention. And from my perspective, discipline. 

Based on what my son says Hunter doesn’t give her the boundaries that a four year-old needs. Much less enough time outs to help her understand things. She had gotten one really bad mouth on her from our son, Hunter, and I’m sure myself. Although I don’t ever really hear many words ofcome out  her mouth anymore. 

Hunter texted back taking me to tell him she is proud him, then some offhand text about the cats being out of control when she gets home. I text her that we fed and visited the cats each day like I said we would. After all they were my cats. Nothing after that from Hunter yesterday.

This morning she texts me thanks for taking care of the cats and bringing in the trash cans for her. “Appreciate it.” That second line gets me. She came type the word  “I” in front of it. She can for our kids, but not in gratitude for me.

The only thing I can think of for the text was her need to connect. Last night she was all by herself and I’m guessing her work doesn’t feed that part of her soul, so she reached out to me. She could have done it yesterday when she saw that I had done it. She could have done it when she got up this morning or when she got to work, but she waited until she had some time at work. 

Probably realized that everyone was ʝυѕт being nice about asking her how her trip was. Probably not a whole lot of authenticity in their interest. I know she has a lot of issues with subordinates unless she is fucking them, then the issues arise after the affair is over. I know that’s petty. Just also a bit true.

The only other explanation is she is trying to make nice for Thursday with Jessie, or she was talking shit to Jessie this morning and is trying to control the perception of things. Either way it obviously gets into my head. It also points out I need a lot of space from her. 

When she has fun opportunities she doesn’t tell me about them until afterwards. Only when things go wrong will she tell me immediately. I’m still her go-to person for emotional stability. I can’t be that person anymore. I just wish there was a way to help the kids out of this hell, but there isn’t anymore.

My daughter was crying last night over having to go back to her mom’s. Took me ten minutes to talk to her about being ok with loving and missing her mom before she settled down. On Friday she wanted mom, but Monday she doesn’t want to leave. Part of that is daughter’s ability to read people and say what they want, part of it is just being four. Either way I’m glad I handle it appropriately without negative comments or issues. Just love and compassion.

11/8/14 – Updating Son’s Meds

So far the Ritalin withdrawal has ended and son is no longer falling asleep in class. He is mostly just bouncing off the wall.

This morning he ran off because he didn’t want to do swim lessons then flipped out. I got him back inside to give him the Ritalin again and he kept spitting them out. I hold his nose to force the mouth open and he almost falls out of the chair so I grab him and lay him on the group and yell at him to take the medicine.

I hate yelling at him but I’m losing my patience with the anger and spitting this morning, but everything shocks him enough to take the meds.

He refuses to swim, but got into a good mood by mid -morning. Obviously he needs the meds…

After errands I drop him off at mom’s and take daughter to a birthday party. Things go well, but it’s tough to pretend that things are good. Ask what I do and I tell you the historical persona. Talk about mom not wife. Acknowledge that others are not going to your daughters party next week and things are awkward. Mostly mom’s – all married, only a couple of dad’s and most of them were family of the birthday girl. At least my daughter had fun.

The rest of the day goes fine. Play, nap, dinner, shower, movie, bed. I wonder what tomorrow will bring. Not sure I will have time to call the recruiter back until Monday.

10/5/14 – Better To Save One Than No One

Sometimes life doesn’t seem fair. My son is in his room crying because I won’t let him watch Clone Wars for the third time this weekend. His mom is keeping score for his baseball team without him playing because “this is her day and she shouldn’t have to take care of him when it’s not her turn.” “She shouldn’t have to fix everything when it’s not her day.” Which I agree but it hardly seems right to pretend your child is invisible because you want to pretend to be the cool soccer mom in front of all the dads by being score keeper.

He didn’t really want to play in the first place but we wanted to see how he would do on the Abilify. He had a couple of issues and needed restraining during one of the games which I did because she wouldn’t move. He always talks about not wanting to play and with a different time and hot weather today I new it wasnt going to be easy. The problem is with Hunter. She isn’t checking texts or taking phone calls from me for whatever reason. She always goes to “I don’t keep my phone on me 24-7,” although it’s in her back pocket when she says it. Then it’s “I’m busy getting ready I don’t have time to check messages while I’m driving,” but I sent them 25 minutes ago and she is only three miles away and all of the baseball stuff sits in the truck so she doesn’t have to think about it. I know this because she pointed it out last week.

The worst part is sitting there listening to her go on and on about how I always call her. I haven’t called her in a couple of months since he has been on the Abilify. I haven’t needed to. She has been the one with the problems and had called me to help her. The whole hypocrisy of the situation is when it was her “day to watch him” and he ran off the field and had to be restrained it was me doing it not her. So where is the logic in that. Everything is a lie and another one to cover up the previous lie, etc, etc, etc.

Now that my daughter has a new best friend at school and the mom likes Hunter, Hunter is getting aggressive regarding our daughter. The whole argumentative statement that son will just go trick-or-treating with daughter and her friend is frustrating. If it’s my year to plan than shouldn’t what I say go? Not now that Hunter sees a woman with no friends who also just moved here and likes Hunter. Now she can be aggressive as long as Hunter gets to make a friend. If this is like the last three plays dates my son and daughter have had I’m sure the friendship won’t last between Hunter and the mom. Then again those mom’s had other friends so I’m sure Hunter is seeing an emotionally vulnerable person to exploit. The sad part is if Hunter goes there, as soon as she has found my replacement she will dump the mom as in the past with her other few friends.

And I’m tried of hearing that she volunteered to be score keeper before we changed up the schedule, and was free on Sundays to what she wanted without having any responsibility for the kids. She knew we were changing up the schedule before she volunteered, but I hadn’t completed the calendar so she knew she would be busy.

Then the whole thing when I called her out today on checking out the dad and calling me disgusting. She’s the one making a skank out of herself and projecting guilt on me. She is seriously going to have issues with the kids in a couple of years and I won’t be around to bail her out anymore.

I hate to go back to the old schedule with the kids since our system seems to be working out better for both of the kids, but maybe that’s what needs to be to stop Hunter’s excuses. Unfortunately that’s really all its about right now is Hunter’s need for some new guy to take care of her, and to not have to deal with our son. Any excuse to use our daughter as the friend finder and boyfriend magnet.

I even spoke with my son today and he said he would rather move with me to Orange County and try a new school with new teachers than to stay with his mom. That is an unimaginable change for a child with routine issues, and for him to actually say it means something is changing in him.

I tried to get him to open up this morning, but he still doesn’t like to. I’m guessing I will try and do that next week at night before bed and see if that is a better time. But things may change in a month. Maybe I will end up with my son and not my daughter. I guess better to save one than no one.

9/24/14 – Can You Come Get Her?

My head still hurts even after max dose of Excedrin Extra Strength Migraine. It usually works, but not today.

I sent over an updated version of changes to the MSA. I dropped a few of my points she didn’t want to agree to. I know some of them are just her way of keeping track of me, but that need will dissipate once she has a new man in her life. Until then she will lie and hide her dating life to “make sure I’m there to take care of” her since I told her as soon as she started dating I would no longer take care of her. Still not sure if she has dated yet. I wonder about that one day, but I don’t feel it. Maybe it’s just I’m not around her enough.

She called me on the way home to discuss our son and his escape from school yesterday. That’s the interesting thing about splitting and her fear of abandonment. By the end of yesterday her emails went from formal with double copies to her email address for her attorney to casual back and forth. As long as I keep talking about her “separation agreement” instead of the “dissolution” she is able to de-escalate fairly quickly.

It’s beneficial to me financially (saves me $10k a year in health insurance but pay higher taxes) and makes her feel like I’m not abandoning her. The best part is it will take less than seven months to make the divorce official if she or I found someone. And if she wants a complete divorce that works for me as I redid my budget estimates. The only issue is I won’t have the funds to contribute to the kids 529 plans.

After the discussion about our son she apologized for not getting to it but would look at it. I’m guessing she already looked at it, saw I compromised on a few issues, and is getting to a point of acceptance. Then again she may have read about being open to the separation agreement and that gave her comfort. I don’t really care which as long as it gets finalized and I can’t start seeing a new future starting next week. I’m tired of waiting.

There is always something. Tonight she doesn’t have my daughter call, instead she had me come over and pick her up. My son is having a monster meltdown, and “was throwing books at me, spitting, hitting and kicking the walls, threatening her and me – all because he didn’t take his shower first. Then he ran out of the house and was running down the street. It’s hard because she wants to be right there in the middle of things. I just didn’t want her to get hurt – figured it was best she went with you.”

Fair enough. It’s easy. I stop by, and my son spits at me from upstairs. I ask him if I can come up and give him a hug. He says yes, and he hugs me and I tell him I love him and if he feels scared that mom will tell or hurt him to stay in his room and to stay in his room if he feels he will hurt his mom. He says he will, and he watches my daughter and I from his room as we leave. Both of us waving to him and he waving to us. He’s calm and his mom is downstairs-my guess is she is trying to get some work done as she told me she had meetings all day and didn’t get anything done.

My guess is she wasn’t able to calmly handle the shower situation because she needed to get work done and the divorce had got her mind busy pushing off those thoughts. I left and he was calm rational and behaving appropriately. Hunter was the one that wasn’t able to handle this situation.

When I was giving my son a hug I asked him if he would rather have me live there instead of mom and he said yes. Unlike my daughter who will change her answer based on the audience, my son will not. He may change his answer based on his mood, but he wouldn’t lie to a question like that. He might lie to keep out of trouble, but I think he is starting to grow out of that. Now he just runs away.

I text Hunter and tell her I understand, but I wonder about what would happen if I were in Orange County. She texts me back “if u were in OC I would end up having to call my brother or at some point, as Son gets older and stronger, I cringe at the thought, the authorities. I think we should talk to psychiatrist about upping the Abilify the next time we see him.”

I don’t think he needs more Abilify. I think the couple of issues are related to those he is relating to-an emotionally unstable and aggressive boy and an emotionally unhealthy mom with an invasive sister (and semi emotionally unstable dad but that has mostly been with daughter the last few weeks).

My text response “I don’t think those plans are necessarily the best for him in the long term or for daughter seeing that all the time. And your brother hasn’t been very available. You have made a significant amount of references lately to not being able to handle him as he gets older and stronger. If you think I need to take him and you take her I would rather have that discussion now versus later and figure out visitation while they are still young.”

No response, and I doubt I will get one even though I know that’s what she wants she just doesn’t want to have to pay money or be embarrassed by giving him up.

God I hope you have a miracle out there for all of us because we all know Hunter and her brother are not able to handle him and he needs a calmer voice to guide him. I hope You find a way!

8/3/14 – Happy Anniversary

Today’s is our 12th wedding anniversary. When Hunter drops off I make her weigh herself and she smiles and giggles a bit. I know she likes I still take care of her, but I want to keep a distance. As she tells me she isn’t going to weigh what I think I tell her happy anniversary. She says ok.

The weight is approx 101.5# morning weight after subtracting her clothes and coffee. She has put on a few pounds of belly weight the last month, but a friend of mine met with her last month and said she looked emaciated.

After she leaves I text her – 12 years – I deserved a lot better!!!! As expected no response. Narcissists and Borderlines tend to outwardly blame others. As she said yesterday she hopes I do better in my next relationship. Like I made her a psychotic cheating whore. No that was her self loathing but she will never admit it. I know what I am doing is petty punishment, but if someone deserves it it’s her.

Besides if she try’s to say it’s harassment the worst the court will do is give me 20/80 in Orange County the same place we are at now except I get to pay her monthly and she pays me yearly. A hassle but worth it to cut each check with a small epitaph of her failed relationship with Chris. You push the same button enough they explode and then stop asking for the same thing. At some point I still wish she would just die and let the rest of us live in peace. It’s not morally correct but at least it’s honest unlike Hunter. Is that petty too? Probably!

To passively aggressively push the MSA I have come up with a counter proposal to her “move back in” and “separation agreement” proposals. It basically is community property until I find a job down here or my daughter graduates from high school or college with us living in separate houses. I put at the top and back “counter proposal to your move back in and separation agreement proposals.” That way if she shows it to anymore there is no bs that she can run around other than “he is making shit up.” Which would partially work with her family, but at the same time give them pause as I am the more rational and personally engaging of the two.

I’m hoping she either goes for it or it pisses her of enough to lead the final rounds of the divorce.

Whenever I push too hard to get away and complete it I get cookies or pie or requests for “spending more time with the kids jointly.” Her way of getting me back into her presence. When I push too hard to bring her back she tells me she never loved me.

If I do nothing for a month and don’t talk to her I’m sure she will want calls to talk about the kids new school years and health concerns and counseling, etc, etc, etc. Then there will be hugging her and her needing the love and then this whole circle of hell with revolve around again. No value in that.

I will give her until Friday to update the MSA unless she is doing it this afternoon while the kids are with me. The horoscope says she will tell me no that Friday so if the stars are aligned I can start looking for a place. The real question is where.

The kids don’t want me to move which is natural. Hunter doesn’t want me to move which is typical and unhealthy for me. I want to stay and spend time with the kids without the stress of the drive. I also think the distance would be healthier for me and therefore the kids. However it would be more stressful for Hunter and as such less beneficial for the kids. That part should not be my main concern. It should be healing me! I think I know the answer is to stay here and not regret missing my kids, but at the same time I want her to sacrifice for them. I know it will never happen she won’t sacrifice for anything.

At least the kids have been playing like fairly normal kids – exception that my son doesn’t really want to go outside just draw. However he is keeping his shit together with a very whinny, cranky, and mischievous three year old sister. Off Abilify he would trying to break a door or punching she and I. On the 1mg he is pretty calm and conducting himself really well. I think I am calm today and that may help. But the Abilify has certainly improved him immeasurably.

The leg is feeling better today although not a lot of walking. May take a walk and ice it tonight, but I like the fact it feels better.

FYI – Divorce makes good people bad, bad people rotten, and rotten people happy. I guess that’s why the only people that enjoy divorces are the attorneys. Yeah that’s petty too. I must be giddy that I don’t have to see Hunter for a week!!!!

She just took the kids home. I must be giddy – I think I’m dancing at having to hear she doesn’t have good cell reception so they may not call everyday. I appreciate missing my kids but not having to see Hunter. As now usual my daughter tells me and Hunter to hug and kiss goodbye. She says no and keeps talking outside the door making me go out. I lean over and she kisses me on the cheek. I know she doesn’t love me but needs me. Maybe that will help with the MSA / agreement. She almost laughed and then small fear gripped her when I said I would need her to make space for my clothes when I move back tomorrow. Yeah I enjoy messing with her sometimes.

Happy Anniversary!!!

8/1/14 – Coming To Terms

Last night was my night with the kids, and Hunter knows our son won’t leave the house during the week. She texts and texts about offers and celebration for his great completion of summer school. I read into her wanting to join us.

She has rearranged her schedule and starts the texting that she will be home by 6pm instead of getting her eyebrows done at 6:15 as originally scheduled. I loved the original scheduling since it would mean she would have things to do and not bother us during the dinner. That’s what started me reading into the texts. Why change your schedule so you can get home in time to meet us for dinner?

When she comes home she is upset. She won’t say why other than she isn’t staying. She leaves and won’t celebrate with us, and walks around the neighborhood in tears.

When she gets back from the walk I ask her why she is so upset and she tells me she took the day off from work so she could do stuff and enjoy some time to herself, but didn’t get as much so she was upset. I take it at face value. She needs the hugs and kisses I give her, and before I leave makes a comment about how she doesn’t understand why she is kissing me.

I get it. BPD rising it’s dialectically opposed fears. Can’t be alone. Can’t deal with the stress of the kids. Maybe she had lunch or drinks planned with someone and they cancelled or it didn’t go well, but she won’t tell me that or she knows she will be forever an item in my rear view mirror.

She tells me I can do whatever I want this weekend with this kids. Drop-off, pick-up, both, one, none – whatever I want. I tell her I will take both the kids after swim on Saturday and she can be alone all weekend. She says no and walks away.

She’s crying about something. I can’t believe it’s over the free time, but then again I don’t understand how she thinks. At least I keep my cool and leave without an emotional issue.

Today she texts me about a flat tire and a picture of son eating the polish sausage from Costco while they wait. Says he wants to send me the picture. I ask him tonight and he says no it was mom. She also texts me later in the day that son wants me to come over and pick him up earlier. He says he did ask for that. He does have a strong memory, and things are always different than she represents.

She texts me she has an appointment Saturday at 1pm for the tire change. I ask if it’s drivable and she says they put on the full size spare so it’s totally drivable. Then she asks if I want to do a joint thing for the morning on Saturday, then I take the kids during her appointment and then we switch kids in the afternoon.

That’s what gets me. Yesterday she switches stuff up to go with us (in my head), but then is upset when we are there. She doesn’t need to do a joint thing tomorrow so why get us all together for the beach or pool? I can’t even begin to wonder why.

The only thing I can think of is she is actually meeting someone for coffee or lunch. She takes the kids to Costco all the time so why is this time an issue with daughter. If she needs a break from them I told her I would take them both for Saturday and Sunday but no.

I put my lips out tonight as I am leaving with son. She pushes her cheek to them but I don’t kiss. She does it three times but I don’t do anything. She then kisses my cheek and I put my lips out. She kisses then tells me I’m bugging her. We leave.

I know she is doing it to appease me. She isn’t interested in reconciliation, but she also hasn’t even mentioned the MSA yet. Maybe she is dating and is waiting until she has my replacement before finalizing it. Maybe she is taking notes on time and other things so she can get me to pay her money. Maybe she is just unwilling to face the consequences of her actions. Maybe she is hoping that I just move down here and take care of her and the kids in her fantasy land of she keeps all the money and I do all the family work while she focuses on her career. I’ve done that for 15 years. No need to do that again. After she tells me I’m bugging her I tell it’s only for a few more months.

At my moms my son plays a lot with me. All his games, but completely interactive and with a smile on his face and he is polite and easy going with everyone. It’s very cool to see how different he is on the Abilify. Almost night and day. Maybe we don’t up the dose. 1 mg is so low that it could be beneficial long-term. So far the only side effect I notice is a dry throat. He says he is swallowing air and wants the noise to get the air out, but he never did it before. I’m guessing it’s scratchy and the noise soothes it. Funny – Hunters grandmother makes the same noise all the time. I just assumed it was hypertension meds. When I took them a long time ago I made the same noise.

Thankfully I am starting to become concurrently cognitively aware and pushing that knowledge to control my emotions. It is making things easier. As I told my chiro during our bi-weekly love meeting, I need to leave or she will continue to use me until there is nothing left of my practice and broke all while she is getting rich and feeling loved while I get nothing in return emotionally except a few extra hours with the kids which I would resent as my funds dwindle.

I’m starting to envision a new life in Orange County and it’s starting to feel nice to look forward to things. I tried to tell my son about it on the way over and him visiting, but he said it made him nervous about my leaving and I would I please stay. I tell him about jobs and money and he says he doesn’t see mom taking my money anymore. I tell him she isn’t but I still need a job. He doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. I tell him if I get a job down here I would stay. That makes him a little happier. That will be the tough part – leaving the kids…

7/18/14 – I Fucked Up Yesterday

I told Hunter I missed her yesterday.  That was the wrong thing to do.  It was against my rules.  It lacked discipline, and got me off my emotional balance.  I know I have been wanting to do it for a while. I was proud of myself for not doing it for so long. But being over there with her before she left for her church event and the kids were out of sight I couldn’t stop myself.  I grabbed her from behind and hugged her in the corner. I turned around so she didn’t feel trapped.  As I let her go she took a step back and I asked for a hug.  Her typical response, Why?  Me – Because I miss you. So she hugs me.  I give a good squeeze for a couple of moments then let go.  I don’t want her to feel that I am smothering her. She doesn’t let go.  She is holding me so I put my arms back around her and hug for a little while longer.  I let her grow a few moments later and she lets go too.

She stops as I have my hands on her shoulders and she won’t make eye contact.  I don’t know what the expression is, but it is some type of remorse.  Not sure if it’s she fucked up by hugging me, or she misses me also and can’t go back, or some other thing I can not possibly imagine.  I’m guessing the last.  I try and put my forehead on hers like I used to, but no go.  I’m sure that this is something that others do as well, but it has always been part of my DNA.  It really came out with the kids – especially my son when he was young.  It’s part of connecting on a visceral level.  Not intellectual.  Not emotional.  Not spiritual.  Something just a little more physical than the spirit, a little more earthly but just as intense.

At least afterwards I left her alone and gave her the 10 foot space rule that we seem to have implemented together without saying anything.  We always seem to put a table in between us.  I’m guessing she originally did it to keep me away. I know I did it for the same reason.  Either way we seem to have a strange dance around the furniture in her house.  Even after she got back from her event I walked about the back of the kitchen while she walked around the front and when we got to the dining room the table is in between us.  She says good night and walks up the stairs and I wave and walk out the front door.

When she is at my place she stands in the doorway.  If she comes in and closes the door I usually sit on the small couch furthest from the door.  I am sure from an outsiders perspective it’s a bit of funny dance to watch.

I get why I hugged her. I’m lonely and miss being able to talk to someone – emotionally connect with someone – everyday.  To have that “how was your day?” person.  Even though the last couple of years together sucked at least there was someone to hang out with.  To talk to.  To connect to even if it was only briefly. Someone to not be alone.  Ben told me that I needed to be comfortable with me before I dated.  He suspects (and rightly) that I will think I am in love with anyone I go out with.  However, I need some connection.  My sister is busy with her own life, and my parents aren’t really what I call drinking buddies.  I think I will take my moms advice and create a profile for one of the dating sites talking about just wanting to meet people – no sex, no romance – just friends.

The hardest part this morning is not calling Hunter to hang out tonight.  I am sure if I asked to come over and watch the movie with the kids tonight she would OK the deal, but I am sure I would interpret the hug yesterday as something more than it was (a fleeting moment of weakness of both our parts due to loneliness) and push boundaries and make things worse.

Still not sure where the attorneys are with the MSA.  I would have thought the next draft would have been completed by now.  I am not sure why I am in a hurry.  I can buy a place wherever I want – at the least the size I want.  I’m sure not going to do it in the summer with everyone going after the deals.  Besides if I stay in North County the prices are dropping so that’s in my favor and the small places in Orange County are not moving that fast.  I should have some flexibility after summer since I will be a higher cash / earner buyer.

The hardest part of everything is the good and bad with my sons Abilify.  The good news is it seems to be working.  Based on last night it seems to be working really well even at half of the starter / buildup dose.  One mg a day and he seems to be improving.  Last night, we played Wii with his sister for a little bit.  Normally just the thought of adding her to the mix would set him off, much less the constant fighting with her over how to bowl since she is only three.  Still no physical altercations and he was able to calm himself down each time.  He didn’t eat much for dinner, but seemed calm, easy going, and easily directed in the face of an overly anxious sister screaming for attention.

The bad news is if this works long term then there is no chance I will get my children or daughter.  That ship will sail if Hunter is able to take them to Seattle and back without issues.  Once she knows she has her travel partners and money there is no reason for a boyfriend or me.  It’s over and off to Orange County I will be.  We will see in a month.  If the Abilify keeps working without any side effects at least that will be one prayer answered and I guess I can be grateful for that.  Especially if it allows him to make friends and get into the general population at school.  That would be a much welcomed miracle.