7/13/14 – I See A Fish Tank In OUR Future

So far the 1mg dose of Abilify seems to be mixed. Hunter didn’t notice anything yesterday. This morning there is a very different look on Sons face. It reminds me of the old Son before all the meds and the aggression. There is ZERO eye contact to either I or sister. The ADHD meds had helped with that, but I could be reading too much into it. It could be just the day.

I can’t complain too much so far. He and his sister have been playing nicely together for over a half-hour without issues. Normally a moment like this and there are issues. The best part was the fact that sons empathy came out. While I was in the bathroom he came to me and told me Daughter was sad because she was alone. When I came out he had left his room to play with her. They have been playing nicely and when son needed some time alone he told his sister nicely and then went to his room. Not perfect, but I appreciate the fact he used his words. That’s a beautiful thing for me. He has such a tender soul inside that body. If we can find a way for it to come out regularly he will live a very blessed life.

Fridays book club was interesting. There are 3X more women than men and I think there was only one person who was in a shorter relationship than me. I think it’s easier for them since either they have no children or children who are a lot older than mine. One of the lady’s talked about her new boyfriend. The first since her divorce. I don’t know how I would even feel about using the word girlfriend right now.

Before the meeting I had dinner with my sister. She acknowledged that it will take me a little longer than most to get over things. Then again she counts from when we first started having issues a year ago. I count it from when I decided to make the boundaries in May. I’m sure we could count from November when Hunter moved downstairs, or February when I moved out, or late March / April whenever the last time we fooled around was. All I know is it’s going to be a while before I really feel comfortable getting out into the dating pool. Right or wrong that’s just the way it is.

I also told my sister I felt like I was pretty sure I would move back to Orange County. Funny she used to always say ok if that’s what you need. Friday night it was her trying to delicately talk me out of it. At least trying to get me to consider the kids more. Yes I will miss them terribly, but having to see and speak to Hinter everyday or two isn’t helpful. My comments are getting less sharp, but I’m sure she takes everything personally which isn’t helpful either.

Then again I would rather do it the right way versus just moving on ASAP. People who just find a replacement aren’t really healing or growing. I’m guessing that route is more fun in the short-term and more painful in the long-term. We are all on our own journey right?

Yesterday I took daughter to my buddies son’s 4th bday party. Everyone had a great time, but daughter is starting to get timid. I don’t like to see that. She got stuck on the slide twice. I think she really just wants my attention. On the drive up she was very concerned that she was sleeping at my house last night.

Today when Hunter dropped off son daughter wanted to make sure she was sleeping here. I asked daughter last night why and she said she doesn’t get enough hugs or snuggle there. I asked why she needed so much and she is scared a lot with Hunter and son yelling – sometimes their nice but mostly yelling. Sorry state to live in. I think Hunter seems a little happier with having son overnight all the time right now and 1:1 time with daughter. Just what a Borderline needs for her fear of being one. I think it will be good for everyone. I just wish there was a way to make it permanent.

Right now daughter is trying to understand why her brother doesn’t want to play with her right in the middle of the game. At least he used his words, but how do you help a three year-old understand that he isn’t being mean or hurtful. He just needs his break.

Last night at the party I text Hunter some photos of daughter on the slide. Part of playing nice in the sandbox. She texts me back a picture of son trying to coax a fish to come to him in a pond at the shopping center across from her house. Her text states that there is “a fish tank in our future.” I tell my buddy and he asks what future?

There is no “our” future. There is her future, my future, his future, her and the kids future, but not an “our” future. On the way home I just added it to the list of reasons to move back to Orange County.

I get it. When things are good between us she doesn’t seem to realize that we are apart. Her emails, texts, and voicemails all become very friendly. Old habits. If I were to call her on it she would say she was referencing her and son, but that isn’t the English language. I used to call her out on it a lot but she would always say I was reading things into it.

After I moved out she used to always talk about the fact that “she would decide when we have sex again.” She said it so often I started calling her the Decider. I know she hates W. If I pushed she would say we were never going to have sex again. Two very different statements with different indications all based on the word again and never. She hates my ability to read her thoughts and when she is stressed – her lies. I hope she finds help soon. She desperately needs it.

Too early to call on the Abilify. Son is now in the middle of a tirade about not wanting to stay here and leaving with mom and spitting on his sister. At least he hasn’t hit anyone. He also is talking about killing sister and not eating lunch here. He also is insistent on not going to the store for bread and leaving with mom when she picks up daughter and not letting daughter have time with mom. Oh well…

7/8/14 – It Looks Like Abilify

So today we were able to meet with the Psychiatrist. Looks like we are putting our son on Abilify. Hunter seemed stocked to get it started. I’m still leery, but since he dented the wall at Hunters house today I don’t see much of a choice. If it gets any worse he will seriously harm himself or others.

I know Hunter is hoping to get him calm to travel with him and make it safe for daughter. If it’s better for daughter then there is no threat that I would take her away and she can push me away without worry. She can even push me away and make me pay supports. My worse case scenario – no kids and a $3k monthly payment. Fuck me. I wish I could find a good paying job down here, but San Diego’s job market sucks ass!

After the meeting we walk out together. I tell her I’m going to use the bathroom. When I come out she’s still there. Damn – I was hoping not to have to spend time in her presence. It hurts. I just want to grab her and kiss her. She wants to talk about his blood work for the new med. I discuss a little and when we get to the parking lot I open my trunk and try to give her some empty boxes for packing. She seems pissed.

She won’t take them so I walk them to her car. We finalize a quick plan and I walk away. She starts crying. I’m not sure why. I can only guess she wants me to take the lead or acknowledge and talk to her as friends. I’m just not there.

On the drive home I text her my availability to help with the blood draw for my son. She calls me and I send it vmail. She wants me to call and make an appointment at the labs. I call and text her the details. She calls and I send it to vmail. She wants to talk tonight on FaceTime after the kids. I text her my thought on a plan. I can’t do FaceTime with her. It’s killing me right now.

She texts me a picture of the dented wall and what time she will meet me at the labs. Funny, her vmail message started with “hey there.” We must be back to friendly and not enemies otherwise it would be “Hello John this is Hunter.”

I get junk food on the way home and continue watching The Walking Dead. This season is not disappointing! But it doesn’t take my mind off of things. I don’t think I will get over her.

The last few nights I’ve woken up with dreams of her and I discussing her current dating or past infidelity. Not that either of the dreams are accurate, but it erodes my peace of mind. It’s inside my psyche and I can’t shake it too long. The more time I spend with her the harder it is. I don’t want to silent treatment her. Legally in this messed up state it can be considered spousal abuse. Cheating on your spouse is ok, but not talking to them is not. California is fucked up somedays.

I feel like I’m never going to get over what happened. The harder she wants to be friends and have me lead the family the more pain I experience. I can’t make a living and have 25,000 commute miles while making every meeting in del mar and working 500 hours of overtime. I’m starting to lose it. All I want is my settlement check and a free pass up to Orange County to start over. Get some distance and give my heart and mind some rest. Checked my BP and it was 116/75 with 85 bpm. Must be too much caffeine, but at least the pressure is on target.

With her splitting it’s easy for her. She can compartmentalize her emotions. I don’t have that luxury. There is some value to BPD. As with all things, the condition was meant to help protect the psyche somehow and overwhelming emotions can be mitigated that way. I wish I had that talent. All I know is the emotional pain is overwhelming right now. Maybe I need some Prozac or Zoloft. Something to take the edge off before I lose everything. Then again – you have to lose everything before you can become anything. I love Tyler Durden.