11/30/17 – Things Are Not Working Out

My meeting with Buz was really amazing. We met for an hour and and half, and the time flew. He is really a good person, and glad I got a chance to meet him. He really cared about my history and cared enough to talk about Matt and the issues get has going for him.

I was blessed to meet him, and understand where 3040 is going – no where. Until they have someone to minister to them they are no longer an option at North Coast Calvary Chapel. That makes me a little sad. Not that am I part of the group, but my friends are in there. It has become a social group and not a religious group. That hurts me a lot. I have friends in there, and they have no idea they are on the wrong path.

Then again, I have not heard from Saddleback so I may be out of luck in Orange County as well. I feel as if my Father has abandoned me. I know it’s not true, but it still hurts. I’m drinking before noon, and that’s not healthy.

The women that my Father told me I would marry is moving to Florida. I will never see her again. Maybe I was going myself? Maybe all of this is bullshit, and there is no God and I’m just an idiot. Then again I’m drinking at 9 am and that is not healthy.

Where is my Father now? Where is my Father to make sure I don’t starve to death? Where is my Father making sure my kids are coming to me with black eyes? I am on a downward spiral towards the depth of despair. I’m getting suicidal, but this time I’m just drinking myself to death.

My Father knows who I am, but I just don’t believe he cares anymore. I must have failed Him somehow, and now I’m going to be forced to drink myself to death.

Karsten Leone – if you fuck with my EDD accounts or any other account I will have you arrested.