6/16/14 – She Is Fucking Insane

I’m sorry but I don’t really care that she has BPD.  It’s not that she is going out of her way to nickel and dime the settlement – that’s normal for most divorces.  It’s the fact that after listening to my daughter tell me that she has secrets with mom and can’t tell me I call her and she denies everything.

I tell she cannot tell my son that I am asking about things over there because I am trying to get her thrown in jail.  She cannot tell him not to tell anyone anything.  She cannot tell him that if he tells people at school about what is going on at home that the school will take him away from her.  She goes on and on denying it.  Then she uses the argument that she should listen to everything my son tells her.  I ask her what he said and she wont answer.  I ask her again and again and she won’t tell me anything.  Of course not, that is her “evidence” in case things go to court.  I tell her if her ultimate objective is to get me to leave all three of them alone just tell me and I will make it happen.  I am tired of fighting with her and if she is going to continue this programming I don’t need to live my life in hell.

She finally tells me that I told Son to tell the teachers when mommy hurts them.  I say its important for Son to feel comfortable talking to people about being hurt.  I tell Hunter that Son told me that she kicked daughter.  I couldn’t believe that so I pressed him harder.  I need to understand what’s going on since you don’t seem to remember or understand what you say or do when you are angry.

She starts denying things again and tell her she can’t say that since we all know the length that she will go to when she’s upset and the lies and vicious things she will say to defend herself.  She brings up how I am only calling to be abusive and that she will get someone to be a third party whenever we talk about the children.  I say that’s fine, but she still can’t say those things.  Then she goes on about how every time I get in a bad mood I call to harass her and that I can’t tell her that God doesn’t love her and won’t forgive her that it’s not my call.  I say I agree it’s not my call, but she is being as selfish now as when she was emailing Holli about her affair with Chris.

She then goes into the whole me telling the kids she cheated on me.  I tell her I wouldn’t have to if she didn’t tell the kids that I was being mean to her and that I broke the marriage and that she kicked me out of the house.  She starts going on about how the kids heard things in the fight…I tell her if she wants me to never talk to her and the kids to let me know.  Hunter goes on about how she wants me to have a relationship with the kids.  I tell her that’s impossible if you are telling my son those things. That’s part of the reason he doesn’t want to come over her.  If I’m only going to see my son a few hours a week why live down here.  I know you don’t want to be alone, but you also need a break and that’s not going to happen if I eventually stop spending time with kids because of what she is filling his head with.

I get it you think that if I am not around anymore you never have to come to terms with the past and therefore you will automatically be forgiven because you don’t have to think about it.  She starts in on how I will always be in her life and that I will never forgive her.  I’m thinking that she may be right if she isn’t going to get help.  I tell her that she needs to get help.  That she will never forgive herself if she doesn’t get into counseling and stop acting this way.  She is just going to repeat these things in the future and ruin our kids in the process.  She has problems and needs to get help.

She starts in on my being abusive and calling her a bad mom.  I keep telling her that saying these things just once sticks in my sons head and destroys our relationship.  She starts in on how I just need to drag him to my place and take him for the time allotted.  I ask her if that makes sense.  Aren’t we not allowing the therapists to do that since it is counter productive?  Do I really want my son to think we have to fight right before he comes over.  Will that repair the damage you are doing?  She starts in on how she didn’t say any of it. She isn’t programming him against me.  I’m harassing her.  What do I want?

I want you to admit that you said it and that you are never going to say that stuff again or I will take off to Orange County and pretend the three of them don’t exist.  She tells me how selfish that is.  I tell her selfish is moving me away from my job, away from my family, away from my cats, derailing my career, and my self respect by embarrassing me in front of all of my friends and colleagues back then.  That if she wasn’t selfish she would move to San Clemente and we could split the commute.  She tells me no she can’t do that because of her son. I say San Clemente has all of those things (special education programs, counselors, special ed aids, and babysitters) like Carlsbad. I say you won’t move because you selfishly don’t want to do the commute.  You don’t care about anyone if its inconvenient to you.  How I have to make the sacrifices while she gets to have a life and all the money and i spend my life on the freeway to support her.  When did she ever support me?  Selfishly never I was always the paycheck and person to use so she can never be alone and now that she has the job and the kids she can dump me so she doesn’t have to share the money.

Then she talks about how I’m getting half of everything and I rail in on her how I earned over a half million dollars over the life of our relationship and stayed true and faithful to her and now that she is going to make a few million more over the next 20 years she wants a divorce to go make friends and a better looking boyfriend.  Just another selfish fantasy that she doesn’t want to pay for.  if she is going to continue to telling my son these things I can start in on a six figure divorce and make this a true war.  She asks me if I want that.  I say no, but I am not willing to accept these things anymore.  She needs to stop this stuff or I will spend her and my money on something that will be destructive to everyone because I feel I can win with all of the evidence I can bring into the picture.

Over the course of 25 minutes she hangs up on me four times and tells me its bad cell phone coverage.  Right before the end she puts my son on to tell me to stop being mean to her.  I tell him I am telling her that she isn’t allowed to lie to him anymore.  That i am not trying to get her thrown in jail or get him taken away from her.  How pathetic is it to use our seven year-old Asperger’s son to lay guilt trips on my while she is crying and telling me I am abusive.  All this because she still won’t admit to what she is doing and change.  She won’t admit to the fact that she has problems and won’t seek help.

Of course it doesn’t help that when I picked up my daughter she tells me that Hunter stopped by the school and put her hair in a braid.  I’m not sure if that is true, but she is pretty convincing about how mom brought the band and that she wants to keep it because its from moms house and it’s expensive.  Really less than a penny?  For $400K a year she can’t afford things.  Really.  She told my son that she didn’t have enough clothes for him for school because I was keeping them at my place.  All two outfits.  Two weeks earlier she told my daughter the same thing – all two outfits.  Everything comes confronted and denied.  A typical BPD issue.  Divide the information chains and spill lies between everything.  Hence why I can’t speak with her family and her mother won’t even send me a birthday card.  At one time she told me how much she liked me.  How great I was for Hunter, and how she has more fun with me than her.  Fucking crazy ass family.  I am starting to believe that God wants me to learn to be nice but selfish.  No longer worrying about how I can help others, but to enjoy my life and help myself instead.  Maybe it’s not about hitting bottom.  Maybe it’s not about sacrifice to save people that can only be saved by their own work and effort.  To let go of the future and what I can or cannot help.

Live a 12 step program.  Learn to change what I cannot accept, accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference. I hope she stops praying for me and starts getting her ass into counseling and repairing the three year old emotional girl inside that 39 year old body.  I hope she keeps herself pure until she gets her shit together.  I hope that she has been thoroughly put on notice about her actions being monitored.  i think I need to get a motion activated nanny cam to get more evidence against her.  Enough data and I can hammer her if she continues to derail her therapy.  I also need to get a hold of her phone and use the passcode she gave me to access and erase all 500 voicemails she has saved and any notes she has collected. Delete any of the photos that she is trying to say I have hurt him and any videos.  Just need twenty minutes alone with it.  Maybe this Thursday when I watch the kids at her house I can snag it while she is changing or something and make it all vanish from her phone. Although I am guessing that most of her notes are on her work computer which is something she doesn’t realize taints all her work emails and subjects all communications with her attorneys to discovery since it is used on a non-personal computer where she has given up the right to privacy and therefore privilege.

What a fucking nightmare!  I hope she gets her shit together and lets my daughter go so she can grow up away from this drama…what a psycho drama bitch.  She hasn’t changed since she was faking pregnancies with Chris and emailing his wife.  She is a psycho drama bitch.  At least everyday I realize more and more how much she is toxic to everyone she touches and this will eventually be the best thing for me even if I die alone and a broke transient.  At least then I will be free…