2/4/19 – Thinking About Moving To Austin

There is a point in time where you really need a break from the insanity. My son ran off again yesterday for no reason at all. My daughter is turning into a Histrionic, and I don’t have many friends here in Escondido.

There is a time when healing is more important than now. Heidi is a whore who has pictures on porn sites and she doesn’t seem to care. I know she is a Borderline because having her boyfriend is more important than anything else in the world. She ignores my children and never is home during the week. She has church groups and yoga. Anything to get her to die sooner is welcome in my life.

I know she is anorexic and will die soon, but there is a point in time where the advice of my professional counselor comes in handy. Ben dated a Borderline as well, and finally gave up a great business for healing. Maybe it’s time I leave the state and let Heidi deal with the kids all on her own. I know Chris will drop her like a bomb so he can grab someone else.

I know she is cheating on him, and he is cheating on her. It’s a weird reality that they don’t seem to care. He dates her for money and sex, and she is a Borderline so she doesn’t want to be alone.

At some point in time I need to find peace in this life and serve God somehow. I don’t know when or where, but there is a Triune God and he desires my life for his glory. At some point in time I need to heal and leave this wonderful state for someplace where she cannot get to.

10/24/18 – Served Again

This is from my Heidi’s attorney. He tells me that I am harassing and bullying her. Actually, I am just trying to get her to eat. I think she has this mindset that it would be better to die than to live.

That’s a sad position to be in. If she dies then I will be a single parent of a son on the Spectrum and a daughter with dyslexia. That will make it hard to date or go out. I will need help and relief from somewhere, otherwise this will be a long life.

I’m not sure where she is at right now. She is working on temp jobs without much help. She threatened my son with putting him in an institution on Friday for running off campus again. It’s a sad day to see her go off on him for doing what he normally does. She just doesn’t like that she had to pick him up.

At this point I am hoping she passes soon otherwise I will have to leave Seminary and start work someplace without insurance. That sucks for me!

9/5/17 – Still Wrestling With Life

Strange reality. I like some classes, and others are ok. I’m sure it is the right thing to do. I sent in my application for an internship at Saddleback San Diego. I hope it comes through. I would really like a shot of positivity from God soon.

It’s hard to be broke, and still taking my daughter extra days so that she doesn’t have to spend that much time with the ex. My daughter doesn’t really like her and hates her boyfriend.

Last week at church she cried twice because I didn’t come when she thought. So much abandonment issues with the divorce in her. I’m sure her mom’s boyfriend who is now “part of the family” is getting to her as well. Last week she told me she would kill herself if she had to live with mom for too long. That’s a hard thing to hear from a six year old girl.

I feel lonely a lot of the time. I miss my kids. I don’t have a lot of friends after walking away from some at 3040. No girlfriend and no income. Even if I get the internship, they don’t pay people.

I just have to keep thinking that God is putting me through the trials for a reason. I still can’t get Clay to sit down and talk about the singles group at Saddleback or a small group. I know he spoke about needing a couple more. Not sure what he is waiting for.

There are a few older people who are single and are hoping that I can bring something together. I know the one gal that I’m interested in isn’t interested in me, but she is single and it would be good to have her on board. I’m guessing she has a boyfriend since she wasn’t around last weekend.

We shall see…

11/6/16 – Heidi Restrained My Son

Today was pretty good for most of the day until the afternoon when my daughter had a meltdown. Typical when she doesn’t sleep and wants tv. 

Afterwards, my son tells me that he was restrained on Tuesday at church group. How much guilt and embarrassment must this kid go through for Heidi’s little group of friends? It’s not like she even follows the precepts of Christianity. Right now she is having relations with one of the members of her church group. It’s the only way she can get a guy because she can’t handle dating in this life. She can’t really handle anything without a guy helping her.

If I could never see her again that would be prefect, but alas that isn’t possible. She would terrorize me with money requests until I was broke. Her punishment for me leaving. I just hope her new guy shows up to my daughter’s party so I can let him know the truth about her.

I’m also thinking of letting the cat out of the bag with her brother. Nothing better than to test the water with the truth. Let’s see how Christian they really are. I’m sure they will still rally around her. They have nothing better to do. Selfish family the lot of them.

Can’t wait until I can get the hell out of her life and protect my children but alas God is the only one that can make that happen.

11/5/16 – Heidi Is Locking The Kids In Their Rooms Again

So I pick up my kids tonight and ask if there are any issues this week since I don’t talk to them much on the weekdays. My daughter says that mom got mad and locked her in my daughter’s room again. All over tv time.

It’s insane that this always goes on over there and there is nothing I can do. It never happens here.

The worst thing that happened was my son taking two doses of guanfacine tonight. 

We talked about getting him a real life not one where he stays at his mom’s house forever, and that means paying attention to pills. He was crying a lot. I wish he wouldn’t but life is only going to get harder in 2017 with a new school and new nanny. I wish I could help more, but it out of my hands and into God’s.

9/4/15 – She Called The Cops Again

She called the cops on my son again.  Another epic fail on her part. She called me before the cops, but I was in Orange County. The women from New Haven was there for the in-house counseling and that does not help him any. She is the one that told Hunter to call. 

Then I find out that Hunter is hanging out at home with my daughter. Another fucking tragedy. She calls the cops on my son and rewards my daughter with special time. And we all wonder why my daughter is stealing her best friends Beanie Babies at school. She is turning into her mom. 

Hunter emails me earlier in the week about taking the kids for some time this weekend. I text her I will take them for a day. She clouds the email with “the kids,” but I know it’s her inability to handle them. Then she gives me shit over a whole day. Typical nonsense.  

I called the counselor and let her in on the secret I’m very dissatisfied with this non-sense. She comes up with every excuse on why it has nothing to do with Hunter. I ask her several times why not with me? Nothing but I will have another person call you to schedule an appointment. 

I email the school nurse to arrange a time to talk, but have not heard back. 

It’s unfathomable that evil can walk around and money clouds things. I guess we are deluded by her insanity. I just with I could never have to see  or talk to her anymore. At some point in time she will have to pay for all of this. I hope I am there to see it otherwise I am starting to doubt a God exists that even cares about us down here. 

8/16/15 – Another Meltdown

I lay here in bed and wonder how it’s going to end. I wonder if I have the strength for this anymore. I had to restrain my son for ten minutes today at my sister’s birthday party outside in her backyard. Ask of this over not wanting carnitas tacos. I have bruises on my back and shoulder and I sunk into bed with back pain.

Ten minutes of him cussing me out, hitting, kicking, screaming, and shouting all over the place. I finally got him to give up. Literally making him say the words and promise to not fight. He seemed more dejected than me. Irked him if he knew why I had to restrain him?

– To keep me safe.

– I don’t want you to hurt yourself or others.

– I know. I’m sorry.

– It’s ok. Can I get you something?

– I’m thirsty.

I get him some water and come back out. I also bring several paper towels to clean up his face.

– Did I get it all?

– Yes.

– One last double check. I think we were good. What do you think?

He shakes his head yes.

– We can’t go to McDonald’s, but if you want I can see if they have some cake and ice cream. Would you like that?

He shakes his head yes. Do you want to eat it inside or out here?

– Outside.

– Do you want me to stay or leave you alone?

– I want to eat it alone.

I go and get him cake as the ice cream is gone.

– Sorry they are out of ice cream, but I have the cake. Do you want me to hang out while you eat it?

– No. I want to be alone.

I get some paper towels for him and leave him alone.

He comes in after a few minutes and as I walked away I watch him eat the cake sitting there on the grass scratching at the bandaid I got him for the “scratch” he got. A “blood scratch.” It’s almost undetectable but I know how he is with things so I go with the bandaid cover up. It makes him feel better.

I can’t help but hurt for him. Alone. Afraid of himself. Unable to handle his emotions. I wonder if I am up to the task. I know I’m better than Hunter in a lot of ways, but she rolls with this stuff so much better. She blows up and then shuts down. I worry about how my son will live in this world. With me. Without me. With his mom to take care of him. With his mom emotionally crippling him to not be alone and taking care of him all of his life.

My daughter watching tv inside and snuggling with my sister. How is she going to be normal with all of this insanity.

I tell me sister I laugh when people complain how bad they have it. I have a very demanding job with intense stress. A Borderline ex-wife (who gave me the privilege of informing one of her previous best friend’s we were divorced this morning), and a special needs son. 

When I drop him off at his mom’s he says he’s sorry and looks like he it’s going to cry. I tell him I love him and that it’s ok. That’s what dads are for.

I don’t know if I can handle this anymore. I know I can’t seem to handle not having my kids. I hope there is something in this world for me. I hope there is a way to save my kids. I don’t think there is a way to save both them and me. I know Hunter likes her breaks, and her ability to use my son for sympathy and to not be alone. But that it’s a trap that will eventually force another one of her breaks, and I can’t be around for that. Besides how are these kids going to grow up with Hunter taking away the free gift books from chick fill a? That still just blows my mind.

I’m just tired and in pain. Hopefully sleep will help.