12/6/17 – Wondering What To Do

Right now I’m sitting around and wondering what to do with my life. Saddleback told me that there would never be a position for me there. Biola hasn’t gotten back to me yet. I have not heard from the firm about an in-house interview.

The only thought running through my head is suicide.

Bald, overweight, unemployed people never make it in this world. I’m not even sure how to survive anymore. I used to have everything, but now Heidi has everything and I’m nothing. The world seems so unfair somedays.

She cheats, lies, faked pregnancies and suicides, and my life gets train wrecked. My business is stolen, my life is destroyed and no one seems to care. I guess that’s the way down. We fall and no one is around to hear it.

I’m not even sure hanging around for my kids is worth it. My daughter wants to live in that home, and now that Heidi has a babysitter for church group night everything seems to be going smoothly. I guess they don’t their father anymore.

Maybe it’s time to check out, and leave. There is no need to be here anymore. Even the kids don’t need me.

I guess no one does…

11/5/17 – Praying For Joy

Today at church I felt compelled to pray for Joy. The women I was planning on marrying in 2015. I didn’t expect her to respond it she did. Obviously, she thought I was her fiancé now because she asked. I told her it was me and that if she didn’t want me to contact her I wouldn’t.

She responded with thanks and appreciation for the prayers. I find it amazing that when we are called to pray for someone His Spirit knows it’s the right time and place. Joy is in a hard position with her fiancé. She seems heartbroken, it I’m not sure it will work itself out. I understand he is still married. There will be a time when things change, but hopefully God will work his miracles in both their lives and create harmony between them or break them apart permanently. I know this is the third or fourth time they have broken up this year.

I hope for her sake that she dumps him permanently and finds a more suitable man. She is pretty and he is not. It’s strange to see them together. I hope it works out for both of them no matter how it ends.

It sounds like I may need a Master’s of Divinity at Saddleback. James doesn’t think so, but it sounds like it may be something I need. There is a Fuller Seminary in Irvine so I may go there or fully online, but I like the idea of people around. Orange County is a small community and the networking would be helpful.

He shall guide me in the right direction!

10/13/17 – Real Estate Woes

The first buyer of my house couldn’t qualify. So we went with buyer number 2. I hope this one doesn’t fall out too. The condo I put an offer on went to someone else. I don’t think my agent got our offer in on time.

So Monday I’m going back to Orange County to look at more condos. Now I’m short three days so there will have to be some storage costs on top of the moving and travel costs. I hope there is some movement on the next condos.

My kids are with me tonight, and Heidi has told the kids I’m not allowed to go to Halloween or my daughters birthday party. Funny we haven’t signed the agreement yet.

My son told me that they broke up because she wants to marry Chris but he doesn’t want to. I know he is only using her for money, and wants the option to cheat. I saw him with another woman a few months ago, but Heidi doesn’t believe me. I know once they get married she would cheat on him as well. It’s her nature to destroy whatever blessings she might get in this life.

At least my kids told their teachers and CPS. God bless small miracles.

Now what to do about Katy. I will probably see her Sunday, but do I am about face or just let it ride with me moving. It would be unfair to start something that would end with a move. Maybe she would be willing to do the drive as well? Who knows. I will let things unfold as I go.

10/10/17 – The Home Is Sold

This is a scary time. The offer came in and I have 30 Days to vacate. I don’t even have a place to move to. Thankfully there is a place down the road that will pack and store and move it up to Orange County.

On Thursday I have another tour of condos. There are a couple that look nice. Hopefully I can get an offer accepted quickly enough. Or if not, rent the place for a couple of weeks to move the stuff over in time.

The buyer has good credit and a solid down payment. Now is the hard part – packing up an entire house by myself. I don’t have a lot of people that can help me pack so I will be spending a lot of time packing everything myself and giving a lot away to good will. I am sure a lot of books and some golf clubs will be going tomorrow.

I’m sure all of the work will be helping me loose weight. I really need it since it has been a while since I was able to get in the rower or the bike.

I just have to pray that God will guide me through this process, and protect me. I need a lot of help with Biola and one last recommendation. I should give Lance a call tomorrow and start to consolidate my 401(k)s so that I am in total control of it. If I need to dip into it I should be able to make that happen without a lot of effort.

9/28/17 – More Custody Wars

The church had a couple who was moving to Washington State and needed help packing. So I spent a few hours yesterday and today helping. Watching the amount of stuff they had reminded me of how much I have to do still. I can get the small things, but I need to be able to clean-up and pack stuff everyday for the next month or so. Otherwise I will be just like them!

I sent Heidi the custody schedule based on the alternating 1st and 3rd weekends with holidays. This year it is reversed for my benefit. I know she is going to throw a head gasket, but she doesn’t get to own my life. Besides she still hasn’t even acknowledged me moving yet – after two weeks. I’m not sure if she is stalling for some reason or if she really is afraid of me leaving. I know she should be happy with me out of her hair, but she doesn’t get to control me anymore. Those days are over!

I’m now even wondering if she will respond at all. I’ve been telling her for months it was going to be this way. We have no consistent track record of custody so ever year is a little different. She will just have to learn to live in the ambiguity. Not her strong suit, but just because Chris is using her for money, and she is using him to not be alone has nothing to do with me. Chris can call his ex-wife and revise their arrangement.

Funny the more I think about leaving San Diego the happier I become. I know it will be a lot of work, and money, and some rebuilding efforts that I have not had to deal with in a while. At the same time it is that point in my life for a reboot. I can no longer stand to be down here away from friends, and opportunities that San Diego cannot provide. Besides there are way too many crazy people down in San Diego. It must be the advertising! People see that they have nothing but shit to deal with in his/her life so they decide to move to San Diego and start over. The funny thing is he/she will eventually fuck up their lives again. Crazy does not change without effort. The saddest part is knowing that my ex-wife will eventually die in a couple of years with her anorexia. She is getting to be at a very unhealthy weight.

I hope God puts a very wonderful and caring woman in my life to help with these two kiddos. Otherwise it will be one crazy life for me too!

9/26/17 – Pushing Past The Natural Disaster

I have keep my promises so far. Read the Bible, took some classes, worked out, talked with the realtor’s assistant about the transaction, and did some mindfulness training. Still need a gardener otherwise the house will look really bad in the pictures.

I did not eat healthy today, but worked out for 1.5 hours.

The rest of the day is going smoothly. If the numbers keep going the way they are I should get out at the top of the market in San Diego and buy on the way down in Orange County. The condos seem to be dropping prices lately. I’m sure houses are better suited for off Summer pricing. Besides there is only one other property for sale in my community. I’m not sure I will get everything that the realities thought I could get for the house, but if I get close that should suffice.

He thinks he can get a bidding war going since there isn’t much inventory. I just need to make sure my neighbor does not start the sale process at the same time or we will be fighting with each other over buyers. My house is smaller and would fetch a premium over their place since I have smaller square footage. They would be asking for a higher price then mine because it’s bigger. The price fluctuation could be a problem if they are close to me with only 140 more square feet.

Either way if I get close to the asking price, and this year asking price has been paid almost at 100% I should cover what I need to move out to Orange County without a lot of hassle.

My ex-wife still refuses to acknowledge me leaving even after a bunch of emails and texts. I’m guessing she is just assuming I’m bluffing or she really does need me around and can’t fathom being without me to kick around all the time. I guess that is what her boyfriend Chris is for. She can keep knocking down his door instead of harassing me.

I still keeping thinking that she is avoiding all of this on purpose. Like lying about the affair for so long. I don’t think she wants to believe I will really do it. I know she will hate the drive, but that is life. She made this natural disaster. I’m here to clean up my life and I don’t care if it inconveniences her at all.

The best part is Biola seems to be taking an active interest in my application. Once I get in I can reconnect with Saddleback in Lake Forest and get my internship on track. It would be great to work with the Singles Group, or even under James. Either way I’m sure God will have a hand in this thing and guide my path accordingly.

9/25/17 – Met With The Realtor Today

This morning I got the windows tinted on the GTI. It was a bit expensive, but they came to the house. In the afternoon I met with the realtor. He thought listing the house higher than I thought. We shall see if he can come through. It would be a blessing if the house sold for more. There is only one house on the market in our area, and a lot of people families like to live here.

I am also seeing the condo prices in Orange County going down. It would be a double blessing to get more for my place and pay less up there. It would give me a little more for Biola.

I sent in the rest of my application this weekend. It would be great to get in and start this spring. Keep pushing towards the goal. Saddleback told me connect with them again once I got settled in Orange County. I like that. Beautiful gesture from the church.

I took to heart what Rick Warren said this weekend, and started to have faith that God wants to bless me. There are things I need to push His agenda forward, and so I’m getting more serious about my spiritual life, and how I would like to be blessed to give me the resources to continue school, career reboot, and finding the last great love of my life.

I think setting realistic goals for my part, and asking Him to bless me in ways that help keep the lights on is beneficial. It also keeps a lot of the dark self-talk away.

I cannot wait to see how God will bless me in Orange County!