2/7/19 – Still Missing My Kids

It’s a sad day when you realize that your kids are not in your life. One day they are here, and the next they are gone. The saddest part is their Mom never stays home on the weekdays. She is too busy trying to make friends and always is more involved in her boyfriend than anyone else.

She threatened me the day my son got his cast out on. She told me I was harassing her. She has pictures on porn sites, and she even takes some of them. I can tell her with her anorexia. The skin is sagging and gross. She no longer has breasts, and I am hoping one day she will just up and die.

Anorexia takes approximately 20% of the loves that live in that reality. I’m hoping she will eventually succumb to the final outcome, and allow me to take care of the kids. It’s a sad reality to have to weight for my ex-wife to die and there is a serious need for me to leave the state.

My son would hate that since he would subject to the abuse Heidi inflicts on him daily. There is a sad state of affairs when your children hate their mom and wish that they loved with me. The demons at my school and constantly harassing me and scratching me, and putting strange ideas into my head. I keep having this view that Heidi will eventually kill one or both of my children without any remorse. That will be a sad day to bury my kids!

2/5/19 – There Is Still A Fear That Heidi Will Die Sooner

What will be my legacy? I can’t stand this constant nagging that if I leave that I will have to move back to California for the kids. There is an issue with her mental health that constantly reminds me that she make take my children’s lives and leave me with nothing.

I haven’t heard anything today, and am wondering if WSC is where I need to be. RTS has an English only version of the M Div, and I think that would be a better choice for me. The languages are not coming naturally for me and there is something that I’m not being connected to God right now. Maybe I’m the problem?

Either way, I need to find a way out of this state and find a new path to go down. Kansas isn’t speaking to me, and I have constant dreams of grandeur that are not healthy for me. Maybe this life is all that is left in me. Maybe there is not afterlife to get to. Maybe this is all a dream?

I found an English only M Div in Richmond, VA. It costs less then WSC and the move would take me away from the kids and Heidi. Maybe it’s all worth it? Maybe they are already dead and I can move freely about the country?

2/4/19 – Thinking About Moving To Austin

There is a point in time where you really need a break from the insanity. My son ran off again yesterday for no reason at all. My daughter is turning into a Histrionic, and I don’t have many friends here in Escondido.

There is a time when healing is more important than now. Heidi is a whore who has pictures on porn sites and she doesn’t seem to care. I know she is a Borderline because having her boyfriend is more important than anything else in the world. She ignores my children and never is home during the week. She has church groups and yoga. Anything to get her to die sooner is welcome in my life.

I know she is anorexic and will die soon, but there is a point in time where the advice of my professional counselor comes in handy. Ben dated a Borderline as well, and finally gave up a great business for healing. Maybe it’s time I leave the state and let Heidi deal with the kids all on her own. I know Chris will drop her like a bomb so he can grab someone else.

I know she is cheating on him, and he is cheating on her. It’s a weird reality that they don’t seem to care. He dates her for money and sex, and she is a Borderline so she doesn’t want to be alone.

At some point in time I need to find peace in this life and serve God somehow. I don’t know when or where, but there is a Triune God and he desires my life for his glory. At some point in time I need to heal and leave this wonderful state for someplace where she cannot get to.

11/20/18 – Heidi is Asking For A Favor

Her parents are in town and they want to see the kids even though it’s not her week. As usual, she has the arrogance and audacity to ask for a favor. It’s like she has no clue that she is interfering with my time with the kids.

She doesn’t care about anyone, but herself. The kids told me she is going to the Grand Canyon this week with Chris. I doubt she will survive the ordeal if she is hiking there. Otherwise, she will get drunk and eventually cave to her anorexia. Either way she is going to get her death either way. No one sees what I see. She is way too thin for her health.

Eventually, she will pass away and I will deal with the wreckage. It’s always me cleaning up her mess. I hope God has a plan for me, otherwise, we will all starve to death. I would have to see my kids die that way. They don’t deserve it. Neither do I.

I may have to move away to survive with the kids. We shall see what God has in store for me. It won’t be easy, but my kids are with it!

11/14/18 – Heidi Keeps Losing Weight

My daughter cried twice last weekend because she thinks her mom will die soon. She thinks people will make fun of her for losing her mom. I keep trying to tell her that people will take care of her. It’s a traumatic experience to lose a mom, and people will be nice to her.

At some point in time, Heidi will have a heart attack and die. That will leave me with two kids and no job. I will need to pick up the pieces of her broken life to help the kids figure out how to grieve.

I’m sure this will leave me broken and alone forever. My son is on the Spectrum, and my daughter is dyslexic. I doubt anyone would want to date me at that time. At least I will have my family and struggle with money all the days of my life until I find a job that pays enough for all of us. That probably won’t happen in San Diego.

I may have to move someplace else to find work, and that will leave the kids heartbroken my leaving their friends. I guess there is nothing I can do about it..

11/8/18 – Another Hebrew Exam

I am so not ready for it. Maybe it’s time to pack up and leave school? It about time to find some work and get on with my life. There are things in place that will soon make my life easier. On Friday I will pick up the kids and see where everything leads me.

There is a point in time where you just can’t handle the workload and I am there now. I am not sure what God has planned for me, but I am hoping things will work out so that I don’t starve to death. If that does happen then that will be His will.

There is always a time where things are going darker than light, and maybe this is it. I will still learn the languages of God (Hebrew and Koine), but sometimes there is no reason to stumble so I can survive. I have to believe that God has a plan for my life. I have to hope that there is a need for me to survive for my kids and be able to take care of them. Without my kids in my life, I am not sure that things would work out well for them. They live in a house without love, and Heidi does not understand how to raise them properly.

At some point in time, everything will work out for His best. Maybe it’s time to live life like its the only life I have!

10/27/18 – Heidi works at EY

Now I’m starting to wonder if there is a God. He says he works out all things for my good, but I’m starting to doubt it. The enemy is in control of this world and it looks like I will starve to death if I can’t find a way out.

My daughter was crying on Thursday because I didn’t get the job. I missed class to see her gymnastics program, and now I’m late on a lot of stuff. I don’t think being at Westminister is for me. I need money and a place to live and without income, I’m screwed. I keep praying for Heidi to pass to make my life easy. I known I’m not supposed to, but that looks like the only way I shall survive. Otherwise, I will spend my savings on a condo and starve to death unless something comes out of nowhere.

I have thought that God is looking out for me. But it seems like the enemy is taking care of Heidi, but no one is looking out for me. I may have to move away from San Diego to find work. If that happens who will look after my kids. They will die with her.