11/17/14 – I Want Out

I need to start implementing everything I’ve learned recently regarding happiness and creating your own personal state or I will end up depressed forever.

It wasn’t quite that bad since I had to be human for a little while to take my daughter to school and soon to go to dinner with the ex and kids for daughters bday, but it was close until about 3pm. That’s when I finally got off the couch and started cleaning, laundry, and some grooming. Sometime you just need to shave for the event of shaving.

Obviously I am letting the depression get to me. I’m going to have to get someone to motivate me to get more on track again. I seem to have a good day then bad. Momentum requires them all to be good days. Especially since I am getting the impression that Hunter isn’t as excited about helping me now as she was last week. Unfortunately that is not a good place to be for her. It’s going to cost her dearly for her failures especially since I am continuing to pay for her sins.

I asked about presents for our daughter (since we did joint for our son) and she told me she thought the party was enough. She makes $400k and spends $400 on the party and that’s enough. I still got her a gift. Her family is cheap!


Of course now that the business day has come to an end and none of the other half of the people I reached to for references and help have called me back (after two days) I am starting to wonder why God has closed their hearts. The law of karma says I brought this on myself. Fine I get it. I wasn’t always that good about follow up, but most of them always met with me on a regular or semi-regular basis so it seems strange that none of them have called. And these are the power players. And they always returned my calls with a day or so. Now not so much. Not sure what God has in store, but if I ever get out of this mess I won’t let follow up be an issue ever again.

….
I got to say Hunter sure knows how to push the envelope. She met with the partner at PwC today that she said she was going to connect me with and she tells me at our daughter’s birthday dinner that it didn’t come up. She doesn’t want back together but she doesn’t want me to leave. I’m getting to the point where:

I don’t believe in God. Why the fuck would he let the liars, the cheats, and the destroyers rule the world? Why would he let my life become worthless for doing what is right? The only answer is religion and God are bullshit myths perpetrated by people of power to manipulate the rest of us.

I worth more dead than alive and if I kill myself she wins all the money but she will hate having to take care of the kids herself. Therefore she can punish herself the rest of her life by resenting the fact she has to take care of the kids alone and screwing them up will only make her frustration and self loathing greater and therefore her punishment for what she has done more valuable.

There is no reason for pain and no sense in spiritual or emotional growth. It doesn’t get you anything but broke and dead. Being rich, manipulative, and selfish is the only way to live. Anything else is just a mindset undertaken by the naive in order to be allowed to be used and abused by others without guilt for allowing others to use them.

There isn’t anything left for me anymore and I’m tired of all of this. I’m never going to love, trust, or be financially secure near my kids. She can have the money and the kids – I’m more interested in checking out.

11/15/14 – Birthday Wish

Friday went somewhat well. I don’t have an overwhelming need to job hunt yet, but I did send out my resume and talk to a couple more people on the phone.

Saturday was obsurd. Before my daughters party I pick up and take the kids to swim. On the way home it’s the typical from my son about not wanting to take swim lessons. I tell him to talk to his mom since she signs him up. He tells me she said he only had to do it until the end of October, but since it’s November she is a lier.

My daughter says that everyone lies sometimes, and it’s ok. I ask her who said it and she says mom. I ask my son if he lies and he says yes. I ask them both if I lie and they say no. I tell them that I have lied, but lying doesn’t show God’s love and that we should always be honest.

As Hunter and I are setting up for the party I ask her how her year has been. She tells me she doesn’t want to get in a fight.
– You always seem happy to see my. The kids tell me your not happy unless I’m around.
– Yes it’s nice to have someone to talk to.
– Am I still your best friend?
– I told you I don’t have any friends. I’ve become the old cat lady.
– And the guys you date are they a better quality than me?
– I told you I haven’t dated anyone.
– Are you happy?
– I’m trying to be.
– You’re miserable.
– I was miserable before.
– You weren’t always miserable. Why do you want everyone to suffer so much?
– I’m not having this conversation anymore.

So I order the pizza.

The party goes off without a hitch.

Afterwards I continue the conversation again.

– Why won’t you even try? You obviously wanted to get all of that out in the open so we could move forward, so now that it’s out why don’t you want to try?
– Why are you trying to ruin this day for her?
– She’s not going to remember this day, only the pictures. Besides the kids are to afraid to tell you what they tell me. Do you know what her two birthday wishes were?
– No.
– 1. That her two best friends in the other class were besties again. 2. That you and I would get back together again.
– Silence
– Son wants it, but he can’t tell you because he is afraid you will yell at him. She wants it. I want to try and help. You used to want that.
– Don’t tell me what I want. Don’t you dare tell me what I want.
– I’m not.
– Yes you are.
– No I said that’s what you used to want. I don’t know what you want now. I don’t think you know. What do you want?
– Silence

She tells me daughter to say goodbye and give her a big hug. I ask for one and Hunter hugs me and as I am hugging her my daughter tells her she wants mommy and daddy back together again forever.

– I had nothing to do with that.
– Silence and she starts walking away.
– You’re miserable. Why don’t you want to try and be happy?
– I was miserable before to.
– Sure because of your guilt.
– Yeah you had nothing to do with it.
(And in my head I know she has now made an argument for herself that this was my fault and her guilt and infidelity has nothing to do with this).
– Then what can I change? We can work on it together.
– You know you are happy when I come over and you light up to talk to me.
– I’m just being pleasant. If I’m nice it means something. If I’m not that I’m a bitch.
– You aren’t being pleasant and it’s easy to see you enjoy my company.
– I’m trying not to be mean and ruin this day for her.
– Why do you have to be mean? I’m not. Besides for her it’s never going to be right with us apart.

Hunter walks away and I am asking for her to talk to me once daughter is napping.

After my daughter is down I call and leave a message. Nothing. I call a couple more times and play with my daughter after nap.

After dinner we call so daughter can talk to mom because mom sent home the wrong color light saber. Mom says she kept it to play with at her house.

I call several times after daughter and son are in bed and nothing.

I found a practice that specializes in DBT less than 8 miles from Hunters work. It could easily become part of her life, but you can’t help if they won’t talk. I don’t know what today’s baseball game will be like. I’m guessing Hunter will talk a little if son has been good or not at all to me if he’s been a handful. I will know where her head is at if Amazing Amy brings me a Diet Coke.

11/9/14 – Sons 3U Out

Maybe it’s my paranoia or just habit but I feel the distortion campaign is in affect again. With son on full meds it still took an hour to get him to baseball. While there no one is really talking to me. I know that I am not looked at positively with all the fighting between her and I but there are always a couple of people that will talk to me. Except today.

I know they are all staying neutral but to listen to them talk about how they knew Hunter wasn’t going to be there and that they brought snack although we were signed up to it makes me wonder. Hunter said she mentioned it last game. I was there and she didn’t. I’m guessing that she either is dating one of the guys or email / text / called and talked with them. I’m sure she talked poorly about me since it’s a habit she can’t break because it gives her a sympathy card to play and gain friends while not having to admit her failures and home wrecking activities.

Even the one coach and his wife who are supposed to help me buy a home aren’t talking to me, and I’ve known the coach for almost three years. If she is doing that shit again I know it will ramp up after tomorrow when I tell her I am tapping her for supports. She will flip her lid.

Otherwise, the game went great. Son got a hit at every at bat, asked nicely to sit out when he wanted a break, made an out (3u) at first unassisted, and caught an overthrown ball right after.

It was amazing to see everyone clap for him when he made the out. He even jumped and down to celebrate his accomplishment. That is a memory that I will treasure for a long time. There are so few times when he celebrates his own success that it was wonderful to see. He deserves more times like that. I hope he gets them one day!

11/8/14 – Updating Son’s Meds

So far the Ritalin withdrawal has ended and son is no longer falling asleep in class. He is mostly just bouncing off the wall.

This morning he ran off because he didn’t want to do swim lessons then flipped out. I got him back inside to give him the Ritalin again and he kept spitting them out. I hold his nose to force the mouth open and he almost falls out of the chair so I grab him and lay him on the group and yell at him to take the medicine.

I hate yelling at him but I’m losing my patience with the anger and spitting this morning, but everything shocks him enough to take the meds.

He refuses to swim, but got into a good mood by mid -morning. Obviously he needs the meds…

After errands I drop him off at mom’s and take daughter to a birthday party. Things go well, but it’s tough to pretend that things are good. Ask what I do and I tell you the historical persona. Talk about mom not wife. Acknowledge that others are not going to your daughters party next week and things are awkward. Mostly mom’s – all married, only a couple of dad’s and most of them were family of the birthday girl. At least my daughter had fun.

The rest of the day goes fine. Play, nap, dinner, shower, movie, bed. I wonder what tomorrow will bring. Not sure I will have time to call the recruiter back until Monday.

11/5/14 – Soul Mates

So this morning I read the passage below on soul mats that someone had posted on Facebook:

http://www.ramdass.org/the-idea-of-soul-mates/

Not that I am a big believer in Ram Dass, but I have an unusual take on soul mates. I don’t necessarily believe that soul mates are meant to be sexual relationships and that we are meant to meet several soul mates with our time on earth. Each person allowing lessons to be learned, or taught, as the case may be. So because of this I was intrigued enough to read the article.

Getting past the first bit and Buddha, the second part on soul mates really struck a chord. That whole after the awakening process you see the emptiness in romantic love and that you keep repeating the relationship with new faces because you still have to do the work and no one is willing to do the work so you constantly repeat the process and only when you do the work can you begin to find another etc etc.

So I think I finally gave in. I’m not sure I will ever get over Hunter, and I can’t walk away from my kids, and I will always hope she gets help when I know she won’t so I am stopping my trying. When I picked up the kids tonight i changed the filter in the fridge, and revised next weekends schedule so she can go out next Friday and I’m just tired of fighting it.

The evening with the kids was tougher than usual. Hunter skipped the second Tenex for my son (mid-afternoon) and he was bouncing off the walls this evening. At least we have a call with his doc tomorrow, and I think we are closer to a more proper place with his meds.

With Hunter in my head, I’ve gotten to the point where I’m not interested in dating anymore broken people and I don’t think I will ever find someone who isn’t trying to get clear of this shit. Buddha and Jesus said be celebate if you can in order to aid in spiritual growth, and I’ve never been good at romance, so now I’m not fighting it anymore. Still going to fight for the money I need to get out of the old relationship but I think I’m still in the relationship until she remarries and I don’t think she ever will with me in this state. I guess this is my life’s learning opportunity.

Maybe I will figure this part of life out in the next life.

11/4/14 – More Closed Doors

More doors closed. Not sure why I interview anymore. They all say the same thing – come in, we are growing, we need the talent to handle it, then when I get there it’s all about how much of a book of business am I bringing with me since they can’t grow the practice on their own. How many times am I going to hope that there is a future for me knowing that the best part of my life is behind me? I’m getting tired of everything.

I want to hate Hunter for putting me in this situation. I want my blood – my vengeance and I pray for it a lot lately. The bible says God will extract my revenge for me, so I ask for it to happen asap. But when I have to talk to her for the kids I can’t do it. It just gets quiet in my head. I know she will never want me back since I don’t earn enough money. I know getting back together with her would be a death sentence since she will never get the help. Right now I can’t seem to let her go, and I can’t seem to understand why. I am just guessing it’s the financial security.

Talking with her on the phone today about my son was filled with holes. She is always looking for more conversation, but I can’t let myself go down that path. It hurts too much when I start pretending that we are friends again like before we split up. It’s too easy to start thinking that it means something when I know she would never admit she wants to be friends – needs to be friends. If she wanted to be friends she would need to pay me back first and she would never do that.

She told me that our son fell asleep in class today. Taking him off the Ritalin has drained his energy. At least it is good to see that I am seeing him more accurately than Hunter of the Doctor is. The less meds, the better. Today Hunter and I discussed cutting down on the Tenex to see if that helps. I suggested cutting the Abilify by half again, but she doesn’t want that. I’m guessing she recognizes that she it’s a lot happier when he’s on the Abilify and more manageable by her. I think it’s the Abilify that is helping the most, but also creating the lethargy. I would like to see if we can get him off the Tenex eventually . That would leave us with just the single med (Abilify), and the single dose. That would be a great opportunity for him.

I just hope I get her to follow through on the therapy.

11/3/14 – Just Another Day

Yesterday was a tough day. Not sure why I was filed with venom or anger but it was there. Kept playing nice with Hunter at my son’s baseball game, and later that night when texting about the new schedule. Which she finally agreed to as long as it was after Thanksgiving and her mom’s visit.

That works for me as long as we get something that will work for everyone as optimally as possible. At least I can be proud of myself for keeping it together and playing the nice supportive co-parent role in her presence.

This morning as I was dropping off my daughters bag at her house we waved to each other as we drove by. It’s hard to play nice to someone that used you for so long.

Sometimes I don’t even think she always used me. I think she felt she settled after the affair because she was too scared to be alone. Then she fell in and out of line over time, but her guilt kept gnawing at her breaking her down from the inside until there was nothing left.

I sit here and still wish she would get help, wish there would be a way around this and I know there isn’t. No miracles for her, my son, or our marriage. None for me or my daughter. To still emotionally want this after everything she had done makes no sense.

If we tallied up everything over the last year she would only win on money. I’m not even really sure if she had dated or if I am just projecting that out there since it is easier for me to move on that way. I know I’ve made more friends, healed more, done more things, and will eventually help more people, but I never helped her to save herself. She will be rich and fake and miserable and I will continue to struggle with how I earn a living and make the numbers every month.

That’s probably what makes all of this so hard. She always brings me sodas at my son’s games, and never aka for help, and always wants to take and hang out when we are together with the kids. It feels normal and I know the kids talk about she is never happy or smiles on hey own, but she is starting to around me again.

Yesterday the thought of moving back to Orange County permanently came to me again. It may be the only way to me constantly get sucked into this fake life of hers. I know she isn’t interested in me and repairing the damage she had done. I think she just wants to keep her money, the kids, and her fantasy of us being good friends after all this is over. I don’t see it.

I don’t see dating anyone anymore either. Just to much energy wasted on people who are not fixing themselves no matter how much they think they are healed.

I’m guessing I should come to the reality that I will be alone for a very long time.