10/29/17 – Custody Wars

The sad part of church’s fall fest was the kids didn’t get the costumes from Heidi. Just another fuck you to me. In the end it just hurts the kids. Then again I’m now informing her that the current calendar is incorrect with the new stipulation. She thinks that I get the kids two weeks straight so she can have the entire time off with Chris.

That’s not the way it works. Even if I am alone on New Years Eve it’s better then nothing. At least I can study and work out. The funny thing is she continues to assume the calendar we have still works. She won’t update it because it benefits her. The truth is it won’t soon. When she changes it she will see she doesn’t get want she originally thought.

This will piss her off to no end. She doesn’t see things clearly, and if she decides to go to court I don’t think things will work that well for her. The courts don’t like it when people are constantly changing their minds for their own benefit. Then again a lot of the physical abuse will be documented and will be brought into court. That will be the end of her!

10/15/17 – Could Not Connect

It was a pretty decent day today. Lisa from church was really kind to my son today. She had my son help with the baskets, and it made his day. I tried to talk with a few people, but everyone is busy with the one-year anniversary next week.

I saw Katy walking up today and said hi. She waved back. I noticed that she changed her name on Facebook from Katheryn to Katy. Strange for her to change it. Not sure why. It’s not like I can ask. I’m hoping next week I can connect with her, but maybe the opportunity is gone. I know she seemed interested in me a couple of weeks ago, but maybe last week blew the shot. Maybe she just needs little incentive? Maybe I’m just fooling myself?

I think it’s still funny that Heidi wants to marry a guy that knits. He can barely make rent, and she thinks this is the guy for her. I know she can get really controlling. My kids told me that they were the reason he didn’t want to marry her. My sons issues and my daughter hates him which allows her to go off on him when he shows up and she feels he shouldn’t be there.

I wish I could find a condo and move out soon. I’m sure it will take some time. I just hope that I can find something soon. The longer it takes the more expensive it will be to store my stuff. I would hate to be sitting with my parents for a while. We shall see…

9/22/14 – I’m Going To Die Poor

Wow. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I knew sending over the notes on the agreement would create a bit of an issue with her fear of abandonment. But the whole let’s go straight to a mediator was a bit more than I anticipated. Then again she knows that her schedule is a minimum of three weeks out which would put another revision out until mid to late November.

I call and try and ask her to do what I did-put my review notes inside Word. We can discuss what are deal breakers and what we can live without. Of course the totally devolves into a series of circular arguments on her side. All over a couple of thousand dollars. The whole “you expect the kids to pay for their medical with their bank accounts” cracks me up. My response: you wants them to pay for their own birthday parties out of that account? You want them to pay for their friends presents with those accounts?

Then she goes on about having to pay for more of the kids party gifts than me, and I respond with how much of a difference are we really going to make at the end of a year? With sports and uniforms and everything else it’ll end up being maybe a hundred a year. Especially with you making $400k a year is it really going to make a difference?

Her canned response after fifteen minutes of taking is “whatever you want I just want to be done-you win. Just tell the attorney whatever you want and I’ll sign it.” And the separation agreement is off the table since I’m being such an ass. Yeah that’s me now!

All I’m asking is for her to respond to the notes just like I did for her notes. I go through another twenty minutes letting her know that we are wasting another grand on the attorney when we are fighting over a grand, does it make sense to wait another two or three months to finish this up?

Then she starts talking about how I think she’s such a bitch and how she’s deserved this, etc, etc, etc. Then she goes on about not being able to do anything. I tell her if things don’t work for her on the kids custody then let me know and let’s work something out. Then it’s this is her punishment for her actions. I tell her we are all paying for her actions and will for the rest of our days why do you have to be miserable the entire time?

I ask her if I have yelled or picked a fight or called her a name in the last two months? No response. She gets it.

She finally tells me that she will respond tomorrow.

Somewhere in there is her rant on dating. First it’s she doesn’t have time because she always has a kid. Then it’s why should she ever want to date again after this failed relationship and her previous boyfriend. Always looking for sympathy.

Where’s the “I’ve cheated on every committed relationship I’ve ever been in? ” Where’s the “I still consistently lie to everyone who will listen to me? ” Where’s the “I will still go out of my way to try and get someone to take meet out and be my fantasy boyfriend but still pretend to be celibate so that my ex husband will still take care of me? ”

And then there was the comment about how she’s losing half her team at work with more responsibility. Oh, I don’t think I care, but I need to pacify her to get this done otherwise it will be another three months before we close this deal out.

Yeah she is deeply afraid of letting this thing happen until she has my replacement, and I’m not sure she will really find one unless she finds one at work. There is nothing inside her that will let a man make less than her and still be her man. She needs to use not be used which is why she is interested in this divorce now that she makes more money than me.

Of course constantly listening to her tell me she isn’t going to be rich when she dies is funny. Other than the kids education what major expense does she have? Other than maybe me if my partner’s have their way… Then again there is no comments from the peanut gallery yet.

Must suck to be her. Can’t leave. Can’t stay. Can’t find a replacement fast enough. I know she is totally desperate to find someone she’s just too afraid.

Ben called it last week. Any hint to being abandoned will bring her into psycho mode. She was even nice and pleasant on face time tonight and wanted to talk a little.

I hope at some point in time she can get the help she needs and can find a way to enjoy a little bit of life although I agree with her she shouldn’t every date again. She will end up fucking that up if she hasn’t gotten help yet. And who will pay the price? Me and the kids…

8/12/14 – Job’s Season of Life

This morning went well, but now as I sit here at work looking at the 76 returns and estimates that need to be completed by 9/15 I am feeling overwhelmed. Another time of fear and distress as my self worth has no reserves to draw from in this time of need. They have all been depleted for her.

I want to start over. I want a fresh start. To be 30 and have everything the world has to offer me in front of me instead of all my options in my rear view window. As much as I used to like the idea of a challenge to start from scratch I always envisioned the safety net of Hunter’s career. That was what we planned. Her steady and me risky. Had we stayed in Orange County mine would have seemed to have paid off. But split between the two worlds I am losing hold of everything.

My peace of mind is gone. Self worth wasn’t much to begin with but it’s dwindled to nothing. My compassionate parenting skills seem to be misplaced. My sense of certainty and understanding of the world is gone. The world now is flat and everyone seems to have the evidence to prove my round world view wrong.

This paradigm shift has me fucked up. It seems to made Hunter more peaceful as son is easier to deal with on the Abilify. Peaceful is probably the wrong word. The amount of energy she is able to divert into holding her emotional walls together has increased making things easier on her. She also doesn’t have to worry about her job, of packing, or moving, or the kids. She won the war, the graft, the con. I’m left holding the empty life she stole from me. The worst part is knowing that she seems to have already moved on and come to terms with this so it’s easy now. I’m just a nuisance at best and the person she hates more than anything. She used to say it took her twenty years to stop hating Patrick and when I would ask why she hated him she would say she didn’t hate him. She lives in a confusing world.

She has gotten comfortable with living this way and involved in the routine. I actually helped with this by allowing her to slow the process. Even now after the fight last night she still hasn’t sent me the MSA changes or her comments on my proposal.

I know she is desperate to keep me around and at a distance. I’m her security blanket and the aid and assistance she needs. Only when she gets angry does she deny it. Although based on today’s conversation I may be wrong. Her stock and money may be her security blanket now.

She sends me the email of changes from her attorney – virtually all of them are changes to what we have already negotiated. That pisses me off so I call and leave a firm but purposeful vmail.

She calls me back to talk about son and how he attacked his aid and was almost kicked out of swim camp. Then we talk about the agreement. What I want, why I want it, how she offered it. She tells me how she is trying not to hate me more than anyone else in the world. How she wants this to be finished so that she never has to speak with me ever again. How horrible I have been. How she will never be generous with me, and wishes I would just go away (die essentially). I read her what I wrote yesterday and how bad I feel. How sorry I am, but you never apologize.

She pulled out the usual “I said I was sorry.” I tell her that’s not the same as when I say I’m sorry after I say something. Apologies aren’t a once and done. When you say something mean you have to apologize again. She tells me she’s tired and if it’s all about money then have it written up, but she wants to be divorced. I ask why the separation agreement. More talk – both sides of her mouth.

She makes a comment about how she never thought it would be like this. I ask what she thought it would be like. Then she tells me she didn’t know but I kept pushing in November and wouldn’t let things settle down. Now there is no turning back. Basically she never thought we would get divorced. That we would live like that forever or eventually we would get back together as long as no one else knew. Typical BPD. All projection and no acceptance of responsibility. It still doesn’t alleviate me of my responsibility to be forgiving and compassionate towards her hellish (albeit wealthy) existence. Although Ben gave a hint that she may not end up that way if I don’t take care go her. That eventually she may break down under extreme pressure.

That afternoon I talk with one of my partners about what’s going on and wanting to find a way to live down in SD and commuting up here only two days a week. Pushing rainmaking to him, and running the practice like he always wanted. Basically his response is try and make it on you own down there. If I’m not going to Woodland Hills and he has to go up there then he doesn’t need me. I don’t think he has the balls to pull the trigger, but his kids are getting older and his wife wants more money to buy new cars.

I text Hunter to send over any job listings or recruiters in SD as I have been subtly fired. She sends me a name of a SD recruiter and a OC recruiter which is funny since I know more in OC and LA than her. Her response “I’m sorry to hear that.” I almost want to get this thing signed, lose my job and then leach her for $5k a month plus $50k at year end. I’m not sure she realizes what me being unemployed would mean to her. I don’t want to tap her, but she will not do the moral thing only the legal thing so that’s what I may make her do. When the numbers benefit her she is happy. When they won’t I don’t think she will do a happy dance.

Either way I think being close to my kids is more important than money. Now it’s time to hit the streets after 9/15 harder than usual. Hopeful God will help me find a way.

8/4/14 – I Must Be Codependent

She is on a flight, and I’m the one reaching out to her and the kids. Unlike her sisters wedding, she has the kids and doesn’t need to reach out to me for comfort on her flight alone. We have also been fighting over the kids last month which has made things more contentious between us and it is becoming more obvious that she is now using the kids to satisfy her fear of being alone.

She is also with her mom (whom she has trashed me to during her distortion campaign) so she waits until she isn’t around them to text me. I know she is having a hard time with the travel. Son has had a couple of meltdowns (one on the plane after landing since it takes a little while to deplane), and I know that she loves her mom but there isn’t a closeness there especially when she is with her step-father. The text before flight was “we’re on the plane…thank god!” When she finally texts me back afterwards it’s about his meltdown on the plane.

When I talk with her tonight after the kids FaceTime she is exasperated and alternating between the words “I’m fine” and “I’m tired” and facial expressions of “I can’t take it anymore.” There is a constant flux of telling the kids she will be there in a minute – closing the eyes with a deep breath – pinching of the bridge of the nose – rubbing of the eyes. I was never one to take time to read nonverbal cues, but with a BPD (especially Hunter) words are almost worthless and gestures are much more accurate. Those are things that she has not learned to control. I’m sure that is what Chris was good at which was why he was able to con her into the affair. Everything she wrote says he was hitting on her, and making him her best friend for months before she went for it.

I wish I could life all over again. Not to get Hunter back. I’m sure no matter who she married she would have ended up doing the same thing. It’s just part of her personality disorder. It’s just I am so late to learning these things that I wish I would have learned these in junior high school and my life would have been a lot easier. The worst part is my son will never be able to understand what I am learning, and my daughter will most likely end up like Hunter and will ultimately use these things against her prey. Besides she is better at this stuff at 3 than I am (or most people for that matter) than I will may ever be. I’m guessing Hunter also had this ability as a little girl too, except Hunter was never extroverted like my daughter. Maybe they won’t end up the same way.

I was reading a support blog for men who are separating from a BPD partner. It totally called me out on the depressed mom, trying to helper, and being completely attracted to people who need help. It’s always been my biggest issue. Whenever I was attracted to a normal girl I would be too afraid to approach. When they were fucked up it was easy. Crazy is easy to approach. Normal is tough. I will need to fix that before I do this again.

I know there is no way we will ever get back together. I’m haven’t emotionally come to terms with it, but I know I need to. Maybe my sister is right and I have become codependent. I’ll find out next week when I start codependent support group. At least there maybe I can get some help. I certainly need it.