11/27/17 – More Custody Issues

Heidi doesn’t like that the new stipulation does not anticipate the issues properly. As is typical of a Borderline she is fighting tooth and nail to get what she wants. She is having her attorney call me to discuss. I’m pretty sure he will not be pleased with my response. Last time we spike he argued the exact opposite position. Plus I have the kids nine days versus Heidi has them six which is not consistent with the MSA.

I know she wants what she wants, but sending me my son with a black eye last week does not make me amicable to this situation. She treats me and my children poorly and wonders why everyone hates her so much. She is the cause of all of the issues. She hates herself and therefore treats everyone else around her inappropriately.

I’m still laughing at all of the issues with this. The Stipulation delineates alternating weekends not first and third weekends. The MSA states we split the winter break 50/50 with me getting the first week and Heidi getting the second week. The second week includes a weekend, not just the weekdays. I’m sure she has something to do on the weekend and can’t get her money back. I guess she will have to cancel it because I am not legally required to pick up the kids according to the MSA.

I’m sure the attorney will walk around the issue, but in the end, Heidi is the person creating all the drama. At least the attorney gets paid. I get all the hassle. She will be missed when I block her calls and texts and provide the MSA exhibit detailing that I have no right to the kids that weekend.

Her attorney agreed with me on most everything. Still going back to 1st and 3rds, but I don’t have to pick them up the second weekend. She is still pissed about it. She is going to call the attorney again. What a waste of money on her part?

10/16/17 – Another Condo Out of My Hands

I went looking again and the condo I put an offer on already a full value cash deal. I am starting to wonder why God is holding me back on all of this. All I want is to get away from Heidi who has become an absolute nightmare. She demands everything and gives nothing. My only hope is that she passes away from anorexia before she marries the douchebag. I would hate for all of my money to go to a guy that can’t even pay his own rent or dates. And he knits…

Katy connected on FaceBook, but I think she is younger than I thought. I don’t think it would work out between us. I like people a little older than what she appears to be. I’m sure if she is as young as I think she would be looking for someone to have kids with. And she is in recovery, probably not healthy for her to see me at so many beer events.

Maybe God has someone in store for me in Orange County? Maybe there is still work to be done in San Diego if I can’t find a place to live up there.

Patience is not my strong suit, and this stress is not healthy.

10/2/17 – Clean-up Day

The lawn guys got here a little later then expected, but they jumped on the work. There is a lot to do since it’s been a while since I did lawn work. The grass in the back yard is six inches high. Not everything is overgrown, but a couple of the thorn bushes with the red flowers went out of control again. So did the vines. At least it’s getting cleaned up.

I don’t know what they will charge me, but I am sure it will be worth it.

The staging guys should be here this afternoon. I’ll also be running to Goodwill several times today to donate old clothes and dog items. We all miss Sydney. It just wasn’t the right dog for me and the kids. Too many snails in the house. I’m still finding them every now and again. Shells under the couch or chair, or under the tv stand. What a strange dog he was, but we all loved him!

The lawn guys left without doing the work. I guess there were some mechanical issues. I think it was more then they could do. He said he would come back this afternoon. Right now I am having lunch and letting the staging people have the house to themselves. I pray God gets the lawn guys over to clean up the place.

I spoke a lot about having the kids tell their teachers about abuse. God cannot help us if we are not telling the truth. God does not aid in unrighteousness. God will intervene when we are honest with others and ask for help. I will see tonight if they did the work or not. I hope so. I don’t want to have to go out and get CPS involved. We shall see.

10/1/17 – Separate Parent Teacher Conferences

My daughter’s teacher told me Heidi asked for a separate parent-teacher meeting. I’m sure her teacher is going to dislike my response. Not only did I let her know about Heidi’s faked suicides, faked pregnancies, and affairs, but also invited her to read mg blog. I’m sure she won’t.

Women stick together even in face of true evidence. Unfortunately, she is going to hear a mouthful from my daughter tomorrow about Heidi kicking and choking my son. The choking piece was revealed tonight. Thankfully, CPS will get a call from me and my son and daughter have promised to both tell the teachers the truth this time.

All hell is going to break lose soon. Not that I want Heidi to go to jail, but I also don’t want my children abused anymore. There is a point in time where enough is enough. Even if I have to sacrifice my life for these kids, better then watching Heidi kill my son because she can’t handle him. Or worse, having my daughter kidnapped because she wants to run away all the time.

I keep letting my children know that if they tell the truth then God will intervene and help us out and keep us safe. There will be a point in time where the safety of the kids is more important then Heidi’s reputation. I guess today is that day!

9/30/17 – Heidi Is Kicking My Son

I just heard that Heidi was kicking my son when he was down on the ground protecting himself. He was scared to tell me, and my daughter confirmed the abuse. It happened on Tuesday, so any bruises that might have been there are gone. No way to get CPS involved without proof.

The sad part about all of this is how messed up these kids are. My daughter hates her mom and wants to live with me. My son doesn’t want to live with my daughter because it aggregates him. Heidi wants to institutionalize my son so she doesn’t have to deal with him anymore.

All I want to do is protect them and get the hell out of dodge. I hate to see my kids in pain, and my ex-wife is a monster.

I also got a small box with my LOST DVDs and my USC bank. No other DVDs or tools. She just keeps what she wants. I know God wants us to be merciful. At the same time He is supposed to enact his vengeance on our behalf. In my life it never comes. I hope I get more for the house and pay less for the condo and can get some excess cash to fight this battle.

The worst part is I found one of the pillows on my couch damaged. I wish that they would not destroy my stuff, and destroy Heidi’s. They are scared to. One of these days God needs to start following through with His vengeance on my ex-wife before all hell breaks lose. This insanity has to end soon before my kids become all fucked up in the head.

5/30/14 – her by Spike Jonze

I rented Her tonight. What an amazing film. Spike Jonze never disappoints. But it is so depressing to see myself in Theodore. Broken hearted and depressed. Looking for anything to hold to. Anything to make sense of things. Anyone to talk to that isn’t just work or kids or family. An outlet to fill up my time. Someone to want me and to want me to want them. The delusion that Hunter is getting along fine without me. Like things are better for her without me.

I know it’s not true. She came home earlier than anticipated today. I asked to hangout with my son in the afternoon. A couple of hours when she’s at work so not to take up her time. In typical fashion she texts me to pay Debbie for the week. It costs me $70 an hour to hang out and play Wii with my son. When she gets home with daughter she talks about needing to run an errand so I hang with both for a few more minutes. She eventually repays me, but quick goodbyes and I’m off. I can tell she is mad at me and trying to give me space.

Unfortunately she sent a couple of texts and emails and then had the kids call me about an hour after I left. I’m sure she is trying to make up for this week.

Some of the emails were regarding physical custody for the summer. I email her back about taking an extra couple of days so I don’t have the kids 11 days in a row on vacation and me taking an extra couple of days so Hunter doesn’t have the kids that long on her vacation and no response. There is never enough time she can give away with the kids. I am wondering if I should keep a spreadsheet of time. If the numbers get too out of whack from the dissolution support calcs we may need to talk. I am already giving up to much to get out of this thing. If she isn’t going to honor her commitment than I should get paid.

Again the movie still plays in my head. The line about still having conversations with her, rehashing old arguments, and defending myself against things she called me. All things I do on a daily basis.

Sharing a life with someone.

Growing up – growing apart.

The past is just a story we tell ourselves. – Samantha

Will you always come home and tell me about your day? – Theodore

That last line kills me. It’s actually the one thing that was so hard for me. Hunter slowly stopped talking about her day a long time ago. She was either tired, home late, or feeling guilty about things and projecting it on me. It finally destroyed everything between us.

Then I read into Amy’s character. She feels energetic and relieved about her divorce and I think is that how Hunter feels? Maybe part of her. I am sure the other part of her is scared. I know she was yelling at the kids in front of me over nothing today. I don’t know what she would stressed over. It’s certainly not the mail…

What’s the rush? Catherine jokes. And then she holds the pen in front of Theodore and I see my future. Empty. Single. Divorced. 30,000 miles of commute time a year and spending my life revolving around Hunter and the ever changing custody issues. No OS with Scarlett Johansson talking to me so I can date. Hiring a surrogate for me. Filling up my time.

And then I see it. Catherine a pretty and cold hearted jealous bitch. I know this is how it will end with Hunter. Her cold hearted, angry and bitchy at the signing unless she is dating then she will be gloating.

Me still in heartache depression wondering where it all went wrong. Knowing that it all went wrong long before I met her. My own guilt. My own fear. My own self loathing or lack of self esteem. Looking for someone to reflect my own lack of self worth back onto myself. Hunter – BPD – the perfect punisher.

Physical and emotional abuse for so long that I know longer know who I am. Having to rebuild while maintaining a structure for my kids and my clients and my ability to make a living. There are times when I wish I had Hunters ability to compartmentalize things. To turn off the emotions but I know that isn’t healthy.

We are only here briefly. And while I’m here I want to allow myself joy. So fuck it! – Amy

To let go of the fear. To trust myself. Not to need an intellectual reason for things. – Samantha

Maybe that’s the right attitude to adopt. Maybe I have let too many days go by unused already. Need to find a way to get excited about life again. Really excited. Not just the temporary facade I can be conjure up for others.

I know I should be able to do that without Hunter. I was able to do it before her at times.

Watching Samantha outgrow Theodore and I see I need to let Hunter go. I never loved anyone like her before. I guess I should be thankful…now I know how.