11/1/17 – Halloween Without The Kids

I went out with other single parents who didn’t have there kids. It sucked not being able to see the kids, but what do you expect from a Borderline who hates herself more than the world. She’ll be dead soon with all of the anorexia and abuse of the children. I doubt she will make it two years this way.

She thinks she is getting what she wants, but everyone who knows her knows she will destroy every relationship she is in. She can’t help it. She cheats on everyone eventually. It’s just her way. Mean, destructive, and violent is just how she handles the world. And she wonders why everyone at work hates her?

She is a ball buster and most people below her dislike her immensely. Funny to hear the kids talk so much about her lying to them. How sad is it that a mom has to constantly lie to her children for no reason other than she hates the kids too…

One day she will look in the mirror and realize she is not forgiven. Not loved. Not appreciated. Just rich in wealth but poor in spirit.

My dad thinks the move will be healthy for me. I’m sure it will be. It will be nice to be at a distance away from that psychopath. She thinks she is winning, but her quilt will continue to destroy her from the inside out. I’m sure she will continue to hate herself everyone Monday when she realizes that Chris uses her for money, and she uses the kids to not be alone, and each week she will eat less because she really wants to die. She hates herself so much that death is better than life. Her brother cheated on his wife and he has gained 70 pounds since then. And he thinks he looks good in a beard.

All I want is to get my new life started. Find a position in the church, and a nice woman to marry, and the ability to keep my kids safe from that monster. We shall see what God has in store for me.

10/29/17 – Custody Wars

The sad part of church’s fall fest was the kids didn’t get the costumes from Heidi. Just another fuck you to me. In the end it just hurts the kids. Then again I’m now informing her that the current calendar is incorrect with the new stipulation. She thinks that I get the kids two weeks straight so she can have the entire time off with Chris.

That’s not the way it works. Even if I am alone on New Years Eve it’s better then nothing. At least I can study and work out. The funny thing is she continues to assume the calendar we have still works. She won’t update it because it benefits her. The truth is it won’t soon. When she changes it she will see she doesn’t get want she originally thought.

This will piss her off to no end. She doesn’t see things clearly, and if she decides to go to court I don’t think things will work that well for her. The courts don’t like it when people are constantly changing their minds for their own benefit. Then again a lot of the physical abuse will be documented and will be brought into court. That will be the end of her!

10/8/17 – Church on Sunday

So far no offers on the house. That makes me worry a little bit. I know everyone thought there would be bidding wars, but without an offer there is nothing to move out of.

I spoke with the Pastor about Katy, the lady at church I’m interested in. He said she had a big heart. I waited for an hour to talk with her, and when she saw me coming over she giggled. Then I asked her if she needed help and she said no. Mixed signals are never a good thing. Besides you can’t ask someone out with a “no” in her head.

When I was walking away I looked back she was just standing there watching me, and then giggled when I looked back. Again mixed signals. I have my kids next weekend so there won’t be a lot of opportunity to connect. Maybe she isn’t used to being asked out a lot? Maybe she isn’t interested? Maybe the signals are crossed?

Maybe it’s been a while since I asked out someone I don’t really know so I could be the problem too? Maybe next week will be a better week or if God is holding back the sale it’s going to be a hard road to navigate.

I just whatever he has in store for me it is a better life then I am currently living.

8/11/17 Nothing Seems To Be Working Out

I did not sleep much last night. Maybe 5 hours, but that's the norm with me. I wish it were more. I am having a hard time finding the energy to do anything anymore.

It's tough knowing your children are abused and the courts and CPS do not care. It's tough getting texts telling you to kill yourself from your ex-wife's boyfriend. It's tough being unemployed knowing that the future does not hold a lot of prospects for your well being.

I know God punishes His children (Hebrews 12:6). I know he cuts off and prunes those He loves (John 15:12). Unfortunately my faith is waning.

I see all of those heathens in 3040 having friends and doing things, but I'm not invited because my ex-girlfriend Joy who faked a pregnancy on me doesn't want me around. She lies about everything just like my ex-wife. It's unfortunate they have the same mental illness, and why I dated these crazy people is hindsight. It doesn't change the past or my situation. It still astounds me that the group doesn't seem to have any clue as to why God allowed a pedophile to run the group (Matt Tague).

They seem to miss the true purpose of God and Christianity. They all know the Bible, but they have no clue about its author. They do not feel the truth or even acknowledge it. The saddest part is watching people suffer because they fail to change themselves.

Then again I am the same way right now. I can't seem to make a decision to make my world a better place.

I still need to update my application at Biola. Hopefully I can do that today. The hard part is finding the motivation. There seems to be none in me right now. All I feel is hopelessness and being lost in this town. Maybe moving back to Orange County and trying to find some temp work would be the best thing for me. I could cash out the value in my house and live for a long time on a paupers salary with the excess cash in the bank. Liquidate my 401k's and spend the rest of my life doing nothing. I am sure I would end up being an alcoholic.

Maybe that's what I should have been all along.

I just need a break somewhere. I need a little help from my Father. Spending all this time breaking my soul apart in San Diego isn't helping me or my children. I wonder how long I can hold on. Right now I don't feel much faith or much desire to stay in San Diego.

No job, no girl, no friends. Nothing but misery in this town. Maybe it is time to move away and start life over? If God isn't going to be giving me my children, I don't see a reason to stay and watch my ex-wife destroy them one day at a time.

10/14/16 – She’s On Match.com

I caught my ex on Match today. I tried to tell her about dating in this day and age and not sleeping with guys too early. She got pissed when I called her out on dating and being on the site. Funny how she still lies about it. No reason to.

I guess she is embarrassed about it, but she always lied when she dated even when married. I hope she takes things seriously. When she starts to have sex and gets dumped my kids will take the punishment. I still wonder when God is going to help find someone for me. I’m starting to doubt He has any interest in helping me in this area of my life. If that’s true that sucks.

Why does everyone get someone but me? And tomorrow the dog goes back. It will be a very lonely house for me. I guess I should get used to it.

Maybe I should call God out on this subject. At some point I deserve good things in my life too. Why should my ex get good things and not me after all of the horrors she put others through? I know we all deserve second chances, but I don’t get an apology or my money back so has she really changed? I don’t think so. She may be strong enough to date and go on vacation alone, but is she a changed person? I don’t see it. So why should she get dates and a boyfriend, but no one for me?

It doesn’t seem fair, but life seldom is. I hope that one day I will be on the winning side of the unfairness and get the woman I deserve.

9/21/14 – I Wouldn’t Date Him He’s a Moron

Some things still amaze me. I’m never quite sure where her head is at. I know part of today was just her embarrassment, and unwillingness to get her hands dirty in front of other people. The other part I just have no clue if she is just making small talk or really is lost on what normal social behaviour is.

At my son’s baseball game there is an incident in the outfield. Another kid grabs the ball in front of son and my son proceeds to tackle him to get the ball away. Eventually all the coaches go over and split them up and my son starts running off the field. I ask Hunter if that was our son as I am also trying to keep an eye on daughter at the same time and Hunter says yes. Of course she doesn’t move because she is the score keeper. So I go and see what’s up and my son is yelling and screaming and kicking an S series to get me away. I finally get him removed from the vehicle into the empty parking spot next to it and start restraining him as he is now hitting kicking and spitting at me while still trying to kick the Mercedes.

He had butts me over and over again until I finally start restarting him with my elbow behind his head and his neck as well. I don’t like doing that as it can hurt if I have to put too much pressure on it to prevent him hurting him or me. One actually connects enough to make me a little woozy, and he starts screaming about having someone call the cops on his bad dad who is hurting him. A beautiful blonde is watching the whole thing and actually comes by once to check on him, and starts looking at me when he starts yelling about calling the cops. When she stopped by I told her he’s on the spectrum and this happens sometimes. Her response was “that’s ok.” Like she knew what the fuck was going on. Just leave me alone to take care of my kid and go be petty for your husband.

As he finally starts calming down someone pulls up in a couple of spaces over and I can hear the dad on the phone telling someone that “son is here.” He uses his real name and I’m sure he knows my son and his issues from a previous team. His son is staring at me and my son and my son is going on and on about feeling sick. That he is about to throw up. I tell him he is hyperventilating and he asks what that means. I explain the oxygen in the blood and why it’s important to hold his breath. He finally does and he starts coming out of things. Afterwards he wants to go to his mom’s house.

I text Hunter and let her know we are going to her house and to send our apologies to the coach for ditching out early. He knows me and my son so I’m sure he gets it. I’m sure he doesn’t like it, but he gets it.

When we get over to her house things are good. He’s drawing and drinking some lemonade and in a relatively good mood. When Hunter pulls up I can see something in his eyes. I ask him what’s up? He’s scared mom is going to be angry with him. I tell him that I will stay as long as he needs me to. I go outside and let Hunter know what he is feeling and she tells me she is angry. I tell her to chill out, and she says fine. However, I can see that’s just her hope not her reality.

Inside things are going ok so far. She takes it easy on him and daughter is playing a little bit. We talk a little about what happened afterwards, and the blonde that was watching me. She tells me she was lucky it was me and not her or she would have told her to mind her own business in not a nice way.

I ask her to stop being score keeper so that I’m not the only one having to deal with his issues alone. Then she starts to complain that she doesn’t ever get to do what she wants with him, and I can see he is heart broken. I know Hunter has made a lot of comments like this over the last few months. How embarrassing he is for her. How she doesn’t get to do what she wants or work or live the life she wants because of him. It’s a fucked up situation for him. He is never going to improve his self esteem with that from his mom. I try and tell him how good looking he is and how smart he is and once we get these issues out of the way, he will have girls lining up to swoon over him. Hunter tells me that will never happen. I tell her he could be valedictorian, and she makes a yeah sure comment.

The amazing part of all this was her comments regarding one of the dad’s. She had mentioned that she was trying to figure out a particular couple because she didn’t get if they were married or not. The guy is sitting down at the end of the bench she and our daughter and one of her friends are on. My daughter and her school friend are watching movie on an iPad. The dad had two little girls with white hair, and one is my daughter’s age. I ask my daughter if she knows her and she says no. Hunter does a big stretch, and checks him out.

At her house I ask if that was the guy she was trying to figure out if they were married. She says yes and proceeds to tell me that they hadn’t brought the two girls before, just the boy on the team. She starts going on about him and trying to understand the marriage dynamic and the the kids. I make a comment that I would say he wasn’t married or at least separated, and that he could be her next boyfriend since he is in good shape. She makes a comment about how she had heard him talk and there’s no way she would date him. He’s a moron. I tell her that she could tell him to just to be quiet and look pretty. She gives me a look. I yell upstairs to get my daughter and I say that mom is done talking about her trying to find a boyfriend, and Hunter stops right in front of me and I almost run into her as she is taking her deep breaths.

It just cracks me up that she is completely missing the point that I’m making fun of her infidelity and inability to be in a monogamous relationship until I bring in the kids. Does she really think that I want to hear about her going on about guys she wants on my son’s team? And to complain about not getting to be score keeper because of my son’s issues? Aren’t we supposed to be doing this for him? No, we are here to give her a reason to find a new boyfriend

Unfortunately all of us are just pawns in her mind to be used to get her what she wants and now son is interfering with it. I was interfering with it last year because cheating on me again would cause guilt and besides shouldn’t she keep all her money?

I’m guessing things didn’t go well this afternoon with him since there was no call. When things go real bad there is no call because Hunter doesn’t want son to tell me.