2/26/19 – I Sit At VW Services

I’m trying to figure out what all of this insanity really means. I found pictures of Heidi having sex with women, and I think she may be bisexual. The problem is that the insanity will continue until she dies. If she has a heart attack on the freeway, then everyone dies.

That’s my biggest fear is that I will be left alone in this world without my kids. I love them, but she uses them for money. She doesn’t even like my son, and she only pretends to like my daughter. One day they will all be gone and I will be left alone wondering what the hell happened to my life.

I know she is a Borderline and has no moral or ethical construct to develop into something amazing. If I want to send the pictures to her boss at EY she would be fired. Then maybe she would kill herself. She knows what it’s like to steal money from my kids and the repercussions for it. Like a black eye!

I hope at some point she does kill herself and doesn’t kill one of my kids. That’s the point, I love them and she doesn’t.

She started changing my blog again, and I threatened to leave the state if she did it again, and leave the kids with her full time. A fresh start for me in Austin. Maybe I can find some work there? There are a lot of tax jobs out there I just need to network with the right people to land one. I’ve been on my own for so long, that they think I can’t handle the stress of my job. Oh well, Heidi will eventually kill everyone in that house and I will be left alone unless she kills herself first. That would be the best plan. Keep my children safe.

The real problem with BPD’s is the narcissism that goes with them. They have no moral or ethical construct and they don’t care about anyone but themselves. That’s the dilemma. If she destroys herself then she will destroy my kids. If she cares so little about them she will destroy them from the inside out.

My daughter is going to be a histrionic, like Joy Houle. Always selfish, never loving or in control. She cheated on me, but she lies about it so people don’t know. That’s what histrionics do. They lie to cover up their failures.

2/5/19 – There Is Still A Fear That Heidi Will Die Sooner

What will be my legacy? I can’t stand this constant nagging that if I leave that I will have to move back to California for the kids. There is an issue with her mental health that constantly reminds me that she make take my children’s lives and leave me with nothing.

I haven’t heard anything today, and am wondering if WSC is where I need to be. RTS has an English only version of the M Div, and I think that would be a better choice for me. The languages are not coming naturally for me and there is something that I’m not being connected to God right now. Maybe I’m the problem?

Either way, I need to find a way out of this state and find a new path to go down. Kansas isn’t speaking to me, and I have constant dreams of grandeur that are not healthy for me. Maybe this life is all that is left in me. Maybe there is not afterlife to get to. Maybe this is all a dream?

I found an English only M Div in Richmond, VA. It costs less then WSC and the move would take me away from the kids and Heidi. Maybe it’s all worth it? Maybe they are already dead and I can move freely about the country?

11/14/18 – Heidi Keeps Losing Weight

My daughter cried twice last weekend because she thinks her mom will die soon. She thinks people will make fun of her for losing her mom. I keep trying to tell her that people will take care of her. It’s a traumatic experience to lose a mom, and people will be nice to her.

At some point in time, Heidi will have a heart attack and die. That will leave me with two kids and no job. I will need to pick up the pieces of her broken life to help the kids figure out how to grieve.

I’m sure this will leave me broken and alone forever. My son is on the Spectrum, and my daughter is dyslexic. I doubt anyone would want to date me at that time. At least I will have my family and struggle with money all the days of my life until I find a job that pays enough for all of us. That probably won’t happen in San Diego.

I may have to move someplace else to find work, and that will leave the kids heartbroken my leaving their friends. I guess there is nothing I can do about it..

6/26/18 – Worrying About My Kids

I can’t stop thinking about my kids and the potential move. Neither of them wants to move and I know there will be severe issues with my son away from me. I can’t help but fear for them.

At the same time, I wonder what my life will be like without them. It’s scary to think I cannot protect them anymore. No place for them to relax and refresh in this world. Always under constant stress and no one there to help with homework or other issues that Heidi refuses to help with.

I pray that God will stop the move, but it’s not in my hands anymore. I just wish that God would be protecting them, but you can’t change Heidi. She will be able to get away with anything without someone there to support them.

6/11/18 – Still Can’t Shake Starving To Death Out Of My Head

Yesterday was my birthday. My kids and I had fun with my parents. I still can’t shake the feeling that God has withdrawn from me. All I feel around me is starving to death. I can’t keep this mindset up to much longer before I give in and just decide to let go.

My realtor can’t find a buyer for my condo and I will end up paying for two places until it is sold. That is not what I want, but since Heidi stole $1.2 million from me in the divorce and since she is out of work I don’t expect to see it forthcoming. Maybe it is time to just lay down and die.

Nothing seems to be working out for me. No fancy cars, or dating or anything. I may as well pack it in and decide to pass early. There is no way I can help my kids unemployed and no way to help from starving to death. The saddest part is Heidi is getting smaller again. I’m guessing her anorexia is in overdrive without a job. She must really be hating herself to destroy her life for her boyfriend.

It doesn’t make sense to me. She is wealthy and can withstand a long unemployment while I cannot anymore. Without the money from the condo, I will starve to death soon. Without financial assistance, I will pass and the kids will be stuck with a monster. I don’t know what to do anymore. San Diego has not been pleasant to me. Nor has Orange County. Maybe it is time to pack it in and just let nature take its course.

Without money or love, life is not worth living I guess.

6/8/18 – Maybe It’s Time

The price for my condo keeps dropping. I can’t seem to get any action on the job market. It feels as if life is over for me. I can’t get this feeling out of my head that I just need to slit my wrists and get it all over with.

I would rather starve to death then live anymore. I know anorexia is a slow and painful process, but I might as well get started. Without resources, there is nothing left in this world. No money no problems.

What I really want to do is fly away from San Diego. I don’t even know I am still around here. There is no hope for me here anymore. Alan at GT isn’t going to help me. He would rather help my Heidi. It’s a damn shame when the rich get richer and the poor starve to death. Maybe that is what I am meant to do? Starve to death.

I know the kids will miss me. I’m the only one who loves them. But at some point in time there is nothing left for me in this world but hunger and desire that cannot be fulfilled. There is a place for hope, but I’m not finding it anymore. With all I have been through it would be nice if Heidi died first and make all of our loves easier, but evil never dies.

You can’t tell hypocrite that they are wrong. They always have an argument for their truth.

I’m really just tired. I wish I could just sleep the rest of my life, but that doesn’t work either. At some point in time I will starve without food and my children will be devastated. They will hate Heidi with a passion for starving me out and then hate her forever. The only parent that lives them will die soon, because I believed in something that does not seem to exist for me – love.

3/22/18 – LOST

I’m streaming LOST again. For some reason, I love this show. I tried getting my stuff back from Heidi but she told me to fuck myself. I hate that she has power over my stuff. She is such a venomous person. So vile and destructive to myself and my kids. I hate to see her dying, but maybe that is for the best.

She destroys more than she creates. She blown up multiple marriages, faked suicides and pregnancies, and turned her high school boyfriend into an alcoholic. I and my daughter eat our emotions, and she starved herself.

The worst part is watching how poorly she treats the kids. Spending all that money on her boyfriend and nothing on the kids. The kids see it, but she is blind. Most likely will stay this way all her life until she passes. Hopefully, that will be soon. Just for the safety of the kids. They don’t need to see any more violence in their little lives.

My hope and prayers are for a quick passing for the kids. Nothing dangerous or violent; just a quick release of her venom and anger to the next life. My Father’s mercy at work in this life.