10/27/17 – Not Quite Sure What Is Going On

At the end of my daughter’s gymnastics recital she tells me that Heidi got fired and slept in this morning. My daughter said Heidi was going to sell the house. Not sure where she would go since that house is cheaper than an apartment thanks to me. Heidi tells me she is still employed and not selling the house. Difficult to believe a consistent liar, but I’m hoping for the best.

If she lost her job all hell is going to break loose. I know Heidi is volatile, but I also know she is highly accurate. She can find another job somewhere, but if she was fired for being angry and bitter that will get around San Diego and Orange County quickly. She already has a reputation for being a bitch at work. A lot of people wondered why I stayed with her? She wasn’t always that way, but guilt creates a lot of stress in the mind and that comes out in nefarious ways. It always leaks out sideways and never straight forward.

Then again she always gets a day off after quarter close, and we have an appointment with my sons psychiatrist today. My daughter may have misread the signs, or Heidi is lying to me on Talking Parents. If it’s the later that is a bad sign since these can be considered court documents. What a way to go out?

In the end I hope she is still employed. If not, I could see her trying to take the kids out of state or killing herself. The second would be a blessing and a curse for the kids. She is abusive to everyone around her and being free of it would be helpful, but losing your mom to suicide stays with you forever.

Either way I have to keep moving toward my target and not let that hell create drama for me. In the end everything happens for our benefit once we learn to grow from it.

6/16/14 – She Is Fucking Insane

I’m sorry but I don’t really care that she has BPD.  It’s not that she is going out of her way to nickel and dime the settlement – that’s normal for most divorces.  It’s the fact that after listening to my daughter tell me that she has secrets with mom and can’t tell me I call her and she denies everything.

I tell she cannot tell my son that I am asking about things over there because I am trying to get her thrown in jail.  She cannot tell him not to tell anyone anything.  She cannot tell him that if he tells people at school about what is going on at home that the school will take him away from her.  She goes on and on denying it.  Then she uses the argument that she should listen to everything my son tells her.  I ask her what he said and she wont answer.  I ask her again and again and she won’t tell me anything.  Of course not, that is her “evidence” in case things go to court.  I tell her if her ultimate objective is to get me to leave all three of them alone just tell me and I will make it happen.  I am tired of fighting with her and if she is going to continue this programming I don’t need to live my life in hell.

She finally tells me that I told Son to tell the teachers when mommy hurts them.  I say its important for Son to feel comfortable talking to people about being hurt.  I tell Hunter that Son told me that she kicked daughter.  I couldn’t believe that so I pressed him harder.  I need to understand what’s going on since you don’t seem to remember or understand what you say or do when you are angry.

She starts denying things again and tell her she can’t say that since we all know the length that she will go to when she’s upset and the lies and vicious things she will say to defend herself.  She brings up how I am only calling to be abusive and that she will get someone to be a third party whenever we talk about the children.  I say that’s fine, but she still can’t say those things.  Then she goes on about how every time I get in a bad mood I call to harass her and that I can’t tell her that God doesn’t love her and won’t forgive her that it’s not my call.  I say I agree it’s not my call, but she is being as selfish now as when she was emailing Holli about her affair with Chris.

She then goes into the whole me telling the kids she cheated on me.  I tell her I wouldn’t have to if she didn’t tell the kids that I was being mean to her and that I broke the marriage and that she kicked me out of the house.  She starts going on about how the kids heard things in the fight…I tell her if she wants me to never talk to her and the kids to let me know.  Hunter goes on about how she wants me to have a relationship with the kids.  I tell her that’s impossible if you are telling my son those things. That’s part of the reason he doesn’t want to come over her.  If I’m only going to see my son a few hours a week why live down here.  I know you don’t want to be alone, but you also need a break and that’s not going to happen if I eventually stop spending time with kids because of what she is filling his head with.

I get it you think that if I am not around anymore you never have to come to terms with the past and therefore you will automatically be forgiven because you don’t have to think about it.  She starts in on how I will always be in her life and that I will never forgive her.  I’m thinking that she may be right if she isn’t going to get help.  I tell her that she needs to get help.  That she will never forgive herself if she doesn’t get into counseling and stop acting this way.  She is just going to repeat these things in the future and ruin our kids in the process.  She has problems and needs to get help.

She starts in on my being abusive and calling her a bad mom.  I keep telling her that saying these things just once sticks in my sons head and destroys our relationship.  She starts in on how I just need to drag him to my place and take him for the time allotted.  I ask her if that makes sense.  Aren’t we not allowing the therapists to do that since it is counter productive?  Do I really want my son to think we have to fight right before he comes over.  Will that repair the damage you are doing?  She starts in on how she didn’t say any of it. She isn’t programming him against me.  I’m harassing her.  What do I want?

I want you to admit that you said it and that you are never going to say that stuff again or I will take off to Orange County and pretend the three of them don’t exist.  She tells me how selfish that is.  I tell her selfish is moving me away from my job, away from my family, away from my cats, derailing my career, and my self respect by embarrassing me in front of all of my friends and colleagues back then.  That if she wasn’t selfish she would move to San Clemente and we could split the commute.  She tells me no she can’t do that because of her son. I say San Clemente has all of those things (special education programs, counselors, special ed aids, and babysitters) like Carlsbad. I say you won’t move because you selfishly don’t want to do the commute.  You don’t care about anyone if its inconvenient to you.  How I have to make the sacrifices while she gets to have a life and all the money and i spend my life on the freeway to support her.  When did she ever support me?  Selfishly never I was always the paycheck and person to use so she can never be alone and now that she has the job and the kids she can dump me so she doesn’t have to share the money.

Then she talks about how I’m getting half of everything and I rail in on her how I earned over a half million dollars over the life of our relationship and stayed true and faithful to her and now that she is going to make a few million more over the next 20 years she wants a divorce to go make friends and a better looking boyfriend.  Just another selfish fantasy that she doesn’t want to pay for.  if she is going to continue to telling my son these things I can start in on a six figure divorce and make this a true war.  She asks me if I want that.  I say no, but I am not willing to accept these things anymore.  She needs to stop this stuff or I will spend her and my money on something that will be destructive to everyone because I feel I can win with all of the evidence I can bring into the picture.

Over the course of 25 minutes she hangs up on me four times and tells me its bad cell phone coverage.  Right before the end she puts my son on to tell me to stop being mean to her.  I tell him I am telling her that she isn’t allowed to lie to him anymore.  That i am not trying to get her thrown in jail or get him taken away from her.  How pathetic is it to use our seven year-old Asperger’s son to lay guilt trips on my while she is crying and telling me I am abusive.  All this because she still won’t admit to what she is doing and change.  She won’t admit to the fact that she has problems and won’t seek help.

Of course it doesn’t help that when I picked up my daughter she tells me that Hunter stopped by the school and put her hair in a braid.  I’m not sure if that is true, but she is pretty convincing about how mom brought the band and that she wants to keep it because its from moms house and it’s expensive.  Really less than a penny?  For $400K a year she can’t afford things.  Really.  She told my son that she didn’t have enough clothes for him for school because I was keeping them at my place.  All two outfits.  Two weeks earlier she told my daughter the same thing – all two outfits.  Everything comes confronted and denied.  A typical BPD issue.  Divide the information chains and spill lies between everything.  Hence why I can’t speak with her family and her mother won’t even send me a birthday card.  At one time she told me how much she liked me.  How great I was for Hunter, and how she has more fun with me than her.  Fucking crazy ass family.  I am starting to believe that God wants me to learn to be nice but selfish.  No longer worrying about how I can help others, but to enjoy my life and help myself instead.  Maybe it’s not about hitting bottom.  Maybe it’s not about sacrifice to save people that can only be saved by their own work and effort.  To let go of the future and what I can or cannot help.

Live a 12 step program.  Learn to change what I cannot accept, accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference. I hope she stops praying for me and starts getting her ass into counseling and repairing the three year old emotional girl inside that 39 year old body.  I hope she keeps herself pure until she gets her shit together.  I hope that she has been thoroughly put on notice about her actions being monitored.  i think I need to get a motion activated nanny cam to get more evidence against her.  Enough data and I can hammer her if she continues to derail her therapy.  I also need to get a hold of her phone and use the passcode she gave me to access and erase all 500 voicemails she has saved and any notes she has collected. Delete any of the photos that she is trying to say I have hurt him and any videos.  Just need twenty minutes alone with it.  Maybe this Thursday when I watch the kids at her house I can snag it while she is changing or something and make it all vanish from her phone. Although I am guessing that most of her notes are on her work computer which is something she doesn’t realize taints all her work emails and subjects all communications with her attorneys to discovery since it is used on a non-personal computer where she has given up the right to privacy and therefore privilege.

What a fucking nightmare!  I hope she gets her shit together and lets my daughter go so she can grow up away from this drama…what a psycho drama bitch.  She hasn’t changed since she was faking pregnancies with Chris and emailing his wife.  She is a psycho drama bitch.  At least everyday I realize more and more how much she is toxic to everyone she touches and this will eventually be the best thing for me even if I die alone and a broke transient.  At least then I will be free…

6/14/14 – I am so fucked

I just finished talking to my son. It appears Hunter gets the download of the conversations my son and I have each weekend and weekday I visit. She told him that all I want is to get her thrown in jail and that he isn’t allowed to talk to me about anything anymore. I told him not to talk to her about our conversations but he said no deal. Now he won’t talk to me about anything anymore and before we went to dinner he told my daughter to shut up and not talk about Hunter yelling at the two of them today. If I don’t get this divorce behind me she’s going to get him to lie and exaggerate enough shit since he is so anchored to her that I will end up without the kids, spousal supports and a $3k+ child support payments a month. That or a $100k divorce and not enough of a down to buy a home and no difference at best a 20/80 anyways. I am so fucked. So are the kids. Listening to my son go on and on about how he and his sister are helping Hunter with her anger and making sure she doesn’t use her body against them when she’s angry. With my daughters natural mothering tendency she will end up taking care of both of them and spending her life in abusive relationships because that’s all she knows and being brainwashed into hating me. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Hunter lies so effectively I don’t think I can beat her at this game with all of my missteps and emotional up and downs I’ve had in the past. I guess she wins and everyone losses. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I wish I knew what to do. I don’t know how to help them. I can’t help her. I guess she wins again and my kids lose. I lose. Eventually she will lose too but only after everyone is nothing. Time will show her raising too very emotionally unhealthy children and being “that home” in the community. I hope I find a way. I just wish I knew what to do.

6/9/14 – What A Waste

Called her up to discuss tomorrow and going to Orange County for dinner. A long time ago when we were getting along that all four of us go. It’s my favorite restaurant for decades and it’s her favorite margarita too. We used to go there all the time. So she says she will bring the kids up there – just let her know what time.

I told her that I didn’t feel comfortable with it. That it was ok when we were getting along but not know. She starts in with the “well I thought,” “it would be nice if,” etc. I tell her I’ve been trying to talk to her about this and what I’m feeling. She talks about how painful it is that I don’t talk to her. No hello, goodbye, won’t look her in the eyes. I talk about FWB and I still love her and I can’t just hang out with her. How if she wants boundaries I can only give her boundaries right now by hating her.

Then she gets into what I said yesterday, and I say it was harsh but I didn’t swear or yell. Then it’s about saying hello and goodbye and looking her in the eyes. I tell her I can’t do it, then she starts in on she isn’t going to have sex with me. We aren’t friends after what I said yesterday. How we have nothing in common. I list virtually everything she does are common interests. Exceptions – all of the religious reality shows (polygamists and the Amish shows I hate but she loves, and some of the Bravo Housewives). And she loves scuba I snorkel.

Then I talk to her about the benefits she wants and it’s unfair for me not to get what I want. Then she says she won’t ask for them, but no FWB. That sets me off, but I never raise my voice.

Oh so you can fuck Chris without loving him because you want friends at PwC but not your husband of 15 years. He just used you and that’s ok because you get to use me. It’s tough thinking that you haven’t loved me in 12 years. She makes an interesting comment about how she doesn’t want to give me hope so she is sticking to that story and isn’t going to discuss things.

I go on about second chances and that God isn’t going to give her a second chance if she can’t give me one or even try to make up for what you’ve done.

She eventually tells me that she is never going to speak to me again and hangs up. I call her work and cell several times and a couple of texts over the next hour or so. I need you. We need to talk about tomorrow. All vmail. My text about her trying to get an invite to dinner and not liking me say no and then she hangs up on me is not acceptable.

She sends another text about me being abusive and calling her names and how I am twisting the truth.

I text her back saying she is the one revising history. She is the debaser. I tell her facts and she tells me she hasn’t loved me in 12 years, only used me because she didn’t want to be alone. She can say the most vile things and it’s ok for her to say these things but if I state facts I am being mean.

I text her that I am not going to take the abuse anymore. She needs to stop with the distortion campaigns and parental alienation.

No reply. I send another text that we haven’t finalized tomorrow.

She texts me what time should she drop them off or I can pick them up. Again another sly way of inviting herself. She knows if she shows up that I would not have the heart to make her go somewhere else. What’s most interesting is I told her on the phone that I wasn’t working tomorrow and my plan was to drive them up and back. That’s why I told her a while ago I didn’t plan on taking her. Oh, but that isn’t what she wants…

That sets me off so I text her a thank you for going out of her way to ruin things for me again and make specific references to her affair and how she yelled at me about not getting her a big enough gift for our 10th last year but she got me nothing. I made up for with a Tiffany gold/diamond necklace this year but she never got me the watch she said she would. Then I text her a link to the watch in case she forgot. I know she will never buy it for me. Even at $400k she is to cheap and selfish to do something she made a promise for.
No repose other than she will tell Debbie I will pick them up.

On the ride home she texts me that some of my sons aids stopped by to discuss things and they will call me. She emailed me earlier that she wanted to set up a meeting and when was I available and I emailed her back about this week. I text her to call me.

She finally does and we start discussing things. She says she talked on the phone and discussed “my issue.” Now it’s me not her.

Then she talks about what happened. She says she has pictures of bruising only sons from last weeks issues with the therapists. I say send them over and why didn’t she tell me. She says she doesn’t have to. I ask her to send me an email once a week to go over health and behavioral issues. I talk about not hearing about my sons loose teeth and my daughter not having any friends at school.

She tells me she didn’t send them to me since she wasn’t sure who did it the therapists or Debbie. I say it doesn’t matter if he is harmed I deserve to know. Then she goes on about how I said it was her problem so she didn’t need to keep me informed. I tell her that isn’t true. I said we had a plan and to put it into place not make me drive 65 miles to do something that she wants done but doesn’t want to do it.

Then she gets into how she wasn’t sure it was the therapist or maybe Debbie and then do I want the pictures she took of his head. That sets me off.

– What are you implying that I did that?

– No but I don’t know exactly who did it.

– Be very careful. You know I didn’t do that to his head so implying it is down thing I will not tolerate.

– Well you are the one taking about parental alienation. It sounds like you are talking with your attorney again.

– I haven’t been taking to anyone, but the kids have told me that you told then that you would not allow them to live at your house if they complain about seeing me. That you tell them that I broke the marriage not you.

– Oh but it’s okay for you to tell them that I cheated on you.

-Yeah. When you lie to them about who broke the marriage then I have to defend myself and tell them the truth.

– Well Son says you threw him out of the car on Saturday.

– And I told you that I wouldn’t let him come if her didn’t want to. I told you I didn’t touch him. He told you I didn’t touch him. Your the one imply that he is stating that I physically touched him when the term “threw out” is what you use to describe what you did to me when I moved out so he uses it.

Then she goes on about how she only called to talk about the therapist. I tell her that she shouldn’t bring up other subjects then. She tells me she will have the kids call me and tell her don’t bother. She starts talking to get me to allow it and I hang up in her.

She calls and I send it to vmail. She is obviously pissed since she sends me the “bruise” photos and it’s scratches not bruises and says they are the “presumed” injuries from the therapist of Debbie. I call and rip into her about she needs to be very careful about what she is starting to embark on as I will not tolerate even the slightest implications of child abuse by her and she should be prepared for a war if I even hear a reference anywhere. She says she used presumed since she didn’t know which it was (therapist or Debbie). I tell her next time she can just state here are the pictures you requested.

Then I talk with son and his two front teeth are gone. He took one out at school and one at home. Then I read a couple of books to daughter and Hunter is complaining the whole time. I mention to Hunter that she should buy an iPad or iPad mini and stand so the kids can talk to me privately per our MSA. She huffs. Yeah $300 is too much to spend on something when you make $400k.

Daughter also mentions that she played with “all her friends.” Obviously mom has prepped both of them since my sons makes a comment how no one yells over there anymore. Even though I heard her yelling at the kids in the earlier phone call. Hunter is obviously on alert about her abuse and is now getting the kids to support her lies.

Time to move to Orange County and get away from this psycho before I fall off the face of the earth. It blows me away how quickly she goes from nothing to ape shit crazy and then back down to nice and polite. That would be fun to pull around the court. Like a marionette I could pull those strings easily enough. But why waste the money.

The marriage is over. I need to move on. There is no FWB or friends at all. I just hope she doesn’t start clinging on to me again in a few days like she did after the fire. Just need to not respond and start walking away. I just wish I could take my daughter with me. All it took was reading with her this weekend and she wants it all the time again. And another hug from the phone. She always makes comments about how mom never hugs her and that’s true. Hunter isn’t touchy feely. She just makes things look pretty. Sad existence.

All hell will break loose in November after she is tired of being alone on the weekends and I push for more Saturdays off so I can go out. Her work will strass the shit out of her and she will have a couple of one night stands or two/three time relationships and then she will come knocking again. Hopefully I will be have removed my emotional connections by then.

5/25/14 – Time To Hit Bottom

Woke up at 12:30 am wondering if she texted me. Did she get drunk and hook up with someone? Why did she send me straight to voicemail when I had the kids call yesterday, and then called me back a few minutes later? Does she have a boyfriend she was calling? If so, why send me the pic of her legs and the text talking about working out, but the kids pictures of the lake?

She just sent pics of her sister in the wedding dress. She uses the term Auntie so I am guessing they are meant for the kids. She could show the kids herself when she comes back. I’m sure it’s her way of keeping me off balance and the kids involved so they don’t forget. I doubt she realizes what she’s doing. It’s all emotional fear and manipulation, but it’s driving me mad right now. Need to get her out of my head and phone.

I think I’m done. She keeps calling and texting. Out partying. When can she call the kids? I text her one question and eight texts later I finally just walk away from the phone. I tell her to tell her sister how beautiful she looks in the wedding dress and she won’t. I get it. Distortion campaign. So fuck it. Time to hit bottom?

What does it matter? Heaven or hell. I don’t decide. Everyone gets to commit atrocity after atrocity and as long as they say a little prayer from the tv preachers they are good to go.

Siddartha abandoned his son and became enlightened by sitting under a tree. Fucking cherry blossoms falling out of thin air upon command.

Wealthy men say they wished they spent more time with family on their death beds. No one records the dying words of the poor. I’m sure it would be “I shouldn’t have wasted so much time on family and morality.” No one else in this world does. Nice guys finish last – I’m a perfect example.

All those single people on Match, etc. half cheated on their spouses. The other half with a laundry list of requirements that no human could possibly exhibit.

The thin and good looking complain there are no good men / women out there. Maybe that’s because they ignore anyone who isn’t perfect. Women go after bad boys and then complain there are no gentlemen. They date gentlemen and complain they aren’t man enough.

Anyone I have ever met, from billionaires to paupers, does not seem to have regrets from stepping on whoever they wanted for money or sex. Why do I care? Why do I stop myself from doing what everyone else does? Fifteen years of putting my family first instead of my own career and nothing to show for it. No one else seems to care.

Love – romance – respect. That’s just code for suckers. Fuck it. We are born with nothing. Die with nothing. Time to start getting to nothing. Time to start trying to hit bottom.