3/7/19 – Now I See Both Kids In The Neighbors Window

I am not sure if the demons are messing with me or there really is an omen. I would hate to see both of my kids die soon. That would be a tragedy. Heidi does not seem to care about herself or the kids. It’s like they don’t exist in her world.

That’s the saddest part, my son knows she hates him, and my daughter only knows she loves her a little bit. They both know I love them a lot, and I would hate for both of them to die soon. That would be a tragedy of epic proportions.

It would suck having to identify my children bodies, and having to bury them. That would totally suck at my age. I don’t what I would do then.

Maybe I’m just stressed and that is the issue. Heidi seems to be going off the rails, and does not seem to care about her kids. That is the sad part, she has no idea of how destructive she is to my kids. No one wants to grow up unloved!

2/26/19 – I Sit At VW Services

I’m trying to figure out what all of this insanity really means. I found pictures of Heidi having sex with women, and I think she may be bisexual. The problem is that the insanity will continue until she dies. If she has a heart attack on the freeway, then everyone dies.

That’s my biggest fear is that I will be left alone in this world without my kids. I love them, but she uses them for money. She doesn’t even like my son, and she only pretends to like my daughter. One day they will all be gone and I will be left alone wondering what the hell happened to my life.

I know she is a Borderline and has no moral or ethical construct to develop into something amazing. If I want to send the pictures to her boss at EY she would be fired. Then maybe she would kill herself. She knows what it’s like to steal money from my kids and the repercussions for it. Like a black eye!

I hope at some point she does kill herself and doesn’t kill one of my kids. That’s the point, I love them and she doesn’t.

She started changing my blog again, and I threatened to leave the state if she did it again, and leave the kids with her full time. A fresh start for me in Austin. Maybe I can find some work there? There are a lot of tax jobs out there I just need to network with the right people to land one. I’ve been on my own for so long, that they think I can’t handle the stress of my job. Oh well, Heidi will eventually kill everyone in that house and I will be left alone unless she kills herself first. That would be the best plan. Keep my children safe.

The real problem with BPD’s is the narcissism that goes with them. They have no moral or ethical construct and they don’t care about anyone but themselves. That’s the dilemma. If she destroys herself then she will destroy my kids. If she cares so little about them she will destroy them from the inside out.

My daughter is going to be a histrionic, like Joy Houle. Always selfish, never loving or in control. She cheated on me, but she lies about it so people don’t know. That’s what histrionics do. They lie to cover up their failures.

2/5/19 – There Is Still A Fear That Heidi Will Die Sooner

What will be my legacy? I can’t stand this constant nagging that if I leave that I will have to move back to California for the kids. There is an issue with her mental health that constantly reminds me that she make take my children’s lives and leave me with nothing.

I haven’t heard anything today, and am wondering if WSC is where I need to be. RTS has an English only version of the M Div, and I think that would be a better choice for me. The languages are not coming naturally for me and there is something that I’m not being connected to God right now. Maybe I’m the problem?

Either way, I need to find a way out of this state and find a new path to go down. Kansas isn’t speaking to me, and I have constant dreams of grandeur that are not healthy for me. Maybe this life is all that is left in me. Maybe there is not afterlife to get to. Maybe this is all a dream?

I found an English only M Div in Richmond, VA. It costs less then WSC and the move would take me away from the kids and Heidi. Maybe it’s all worth it? Maybe they are already dead and I can move freely about the country?

11/14/18 – Heidi Keeps Losing Weight

My daughter cried twice last weekend because she thinks her mom will die soon. She thinks people will make fun of her for losing her mom. I keep trying to tell her that people will take care of her. It’s a traumatic experience to lose a mom, and people will be nice to her.

At some point in time, Heidi will have a heart attack and die. That will leave me with two kids and no job. I will need to pick up the pieces of her broken life to help the kids figure out how to grieve.

I’m sure this will leave me broken and alone forever. My son is on the Spectrum, and my daughter is dyslexic. I doubt anyone would want to date me at that time. At least I will have my family and struggle with money all the days of my life until I find a job that pays enough for all of us. That probably won’t happen in San Diego.

I may have to move someplace else to find work, and that will leave the kids heartbroken my leaving their friends. I guess there is nothing I can do about it..

11/8/18 – Another Hebrew Exam

I am so not ready for it. Maybe it’s time to pack up and leave school? It about time to find some work and get on with my life. There are things in place that will soon make my life easier. On Friday I will pick up the kids and see where everything leads me.

There is a point in time where you just can’t handle the workload and I am there now. I am not sure what God has planned for me, but I am hoping things will work out so that I don’t starve to death. If that does happen then that will be His will.

There is always a time where things are going darker than light, and maybe this is it. I will still learn the languages of God (Hebrew and Koine), but sometimes there is no reason to stumble so I can survive. I have to believe that God has a plan for my life. I have to hope that there is a need for me to survive for my kids and be able to take care of them. Without my kids in my life, I am not sure that things would work out well for them. They live in a house without love, and Heidi does not understand how to raise them properly.

At some point in time, everything will work out for His best. Maybe it’s time to live life like its the only life I have!

10/27/18 – Heidi works at EY

Now I’m starting to wonder if there is a God. He says he works out all things for my good, but I’m starting to doubt it. The enemy is in control of this world and it looks like I will starve to death if I can’t find a way out.

My daughter was crying on Thursday because I didn’t get the job. I missed class to see her gymnastics program, and now I’m late on a lot of stuff. I don’t think being at Westminister is for me. I need money and a place to live and without income, I’m screwed. I keep praying for Heidi to pass to make my life easy. I known I’m not supposed to, but that looks like the only way I shall survive. Otherwise, I will spend my savings on a condo and starve to death unless something comes out of nowhere.

I have thought that God is looking out for me. But it seems like the enemy is taking care of Heidi, but no one is looking out for me. I may have to move away from San Diego to find work. If that happens who will look after my kids. They will die with her.

11/2/18 – Heidi Is Changing My Blog’s Again

I told her that is she didn’t stop doing what she is doing I would take her to court and get her thrown in jail. I don’t think she cares. I think if she lost her job she would throw in the towel. She has gone completely mad by now, and certainly has no understanding of human decency. That’s why she changes everything I write. She is a monster of epic proportion, and I can’t feel that leaving the state will be necessary for me to heal.

She treats my children like shit, and they hate her for it. They can’t stand her when she calls the cops, or steals their money, or beats and chokes them, locks my daughter in her room, and throws away their toys. Her insanity is out of hand, which is why she has to buy her boyfriend. If she didn’t have money Chris would leave her for another women with money. All Heidi is a gold mine that Chris uses to stuff his own face.