3/3/18 – Gymnastics Birthday Party

Sitting here and watching my daughter have fun at the birthday party, and I wonder what all the lies that Heidi tells about me. I watch Allison who is Heidi’s friend and I wonder what her deal is. I know she could care less about the truth. She hangs with a psychopath who seems to be getting smaller by the day.

My son is playing Real Racing 3 on the iPad and I am writing this. It is amazing how well she can lie. She lied to me for decades and stole $1.2 million from me. There will be a time where she destroys herself and the rest of us will be safe.

The sad part is I have let my health insurance lapse. That’s a big issue with me. I need the insurance, so now I have to get on MediCal. It’s not optimal, but better than nothing. Maybe I can find insurance on the market?

Now I need to figure out my life. Watching Heidi get away with murder and her boyfriend choking my son is a serious issue with me. At some point in time my son will rebel and kill her. I am sure it will be in front of my daughter and that will be an issue.

It will be a sad day when my ex is murdered in front of my daughter. She will lose a mom and a brother at the same time. I doubt my gentle son would survive in prison. He would probably be raped and murdered. Hopefully, the history of abuse would allow him to be kept in a mental institution instead of prison. That would be a saving grace justified by my Father.

What a horrible reality to be in? I pray that Heidi passes quickly just to make things easier for everyone. There is a disaster waiting to happen, and with any luck, it will happen soon. Sad to have this mindset. I know my Father is not appreciative of it, but the faster she passes the better I can take care of my children.

My daughter can’t read, and the truth of the situation is desperate. After this week’s choking, I am hoping for some intervention. At this point in time, I would allow my son to truly harm Heidi to keep him safe. There is a point in time that Heidi needs to pay for her crimes in this life as well as in the next. The next is guaranteed, but to see justice in this life would be a gracious intervention by my Father

I know her church group loves her, but if they knew her deeds I doubt anyone would stay. She is a horrible human being. What mom would allow her boyfriend to choke her son? What mom cares so little about her daughter that she will allow her to flunk first grade? What kind of mom locks her daughter in her room, steals her money, and throws away her toys as punishment?

There is a time where even I want out of this reality. I pray for my Father to change my heart before everything goes south.

Besides 3040 changes its name, but not its heart. At what point in time does all of this nonsense in San Diego go away.

I guess it never will. The world is a wicked place, and San Diego has no sense of religion or grace. Just a bunch of selfish people who are more concerned with themselves then the truth.

12/4/17 – Phone Interview

The phone interview went well. The recruiter at the firm told me she would pass along my resume to the team. It would be nice to get connected again. Right now I feel lost in Orange County. It’s almost as if I screwed things up in my life by moving here. I hope God can help me fix my mistake. Otherwise I may starve to death in Orange County – never to find love, or peace, or hope.

I can’t seem to get my mind off the truth. In this world evil prospers and the nice people suffer. I know Jesus said it would be this way, but it would be nice to not starve to death up here. It would nice not to be destroyed by my ex-wife who does not seem to care about all of the horrors she has committed, or all the abuse she gives to the kids. I pray my Father can help us out of all of this otherwise we will all suffer for this life.

10/29/17 – Custody Wars

The sad part of church’s fall fest was the kids didn’t get the costumes from Heidi. Just another fuck you to me. In the end it just hurts the kids. Then again I’m now informing her that the current calendar is incorrect with the new stipulation. She thinks that I get the kids two weeks straight so she can have the entire time off with Chris.

That’s not the way it works. Even if I am alone on New Years Eve it’s better then nothing. At least I can study and work out. The funny thing is she continues to assume the calendar we have still works. She won’t update it because it benefits her. The truth is it won’t soon. When she changes it she will see she doesn’t get want she originally thought.

This will piss her off to no end. She doesn’t see things clearly, and if she decides to go to court I don’t think things will work that well for her. The courts don’t like it when people are constantly changing their minds for their own benefit. Then again a lot of the physical abuse will be documented and will be brought into court. That will be the end of her!

10/27/17 – Not Quite Sure What Is Going On

At the end of my daughter’s gymnastics recital she tells me that Heidi got fired and slept in this morning. My daughter said Heidi was going to sell the house. Not sure where she would go since that house is cheaper than an apartment thanks to me. Heidi tells me she is still employed and not selling the house. Difficult to believe a consistent liar, but I’m hoping for the best.

If she lost her job all hell is going to break loose. I know Heidi is volatile, but I also know she is highly accurate. She can find another job somewhere, but if she was fired for being angry and bitter that will get around San Diego and Orange County quickly. She already has a reputation for being a bitch at work. A lot of people wondered why I stayed with her? She wasn’t always that way, but guilt creates a lot of stress in the mind and that comes out in nefarious ways. It always leaks out sideways and never straight forward.

Then again she always gets a day off after quarter close, and we have an appointment with my sons psychiatrist today. My daughter may have misread the signs, or Heidi is lying to me on Talking Parents. If it’s the later that is a bad sign since these can be considered court documents. What a way to go out?

In the end I hope she is still employed. If not, I could see her trying to take the kids out of state or killing herself. The second would be a blessing and a curse for the kids. She is abusive to everyone around her and being free of it would be helpful, but losing your mom to suicide stays with you forever.

Either way I have to keep moving toward my target and not let that hell create drama for me. In the end everything happens for our benefit once we learn to grow from it.

7/19/14 – What A Fucking Nightmare

So yesterday was a complete nightmare. She was setting up the calendar for next year and took all the holidays and made assumptions on the weeks we would take over Christmas. As usual, she made sure that the week I had didn’t include the holidays I had and the week she took didn’t include the holidays she took. Typical passive aggressive treatment. It’s knowingly and purposefully making sure that I could not do anything during that time and her week was when her work was closed so she didn’t have to miss work.

I call her up and ask if she really wants to do this. She says yes. I say I know you miss me. She hesitates for some time and says not to be mean but no. Whenever she takes that long to answer she doesn’t want to tell the truth. So that starts with everything from the past. She talks about how she hasn’t loved me and maybe never did. I go on about how there are things I want to do that we talked about prior to everything and I need her money to do so. That discussion goes no where and she says she has to go because of work but she will call me when she is done. Another wasted 45 minutes of my life.

She doesn’t call after work so I text her and she goes on about work.

She FaceTimes for the kids. Right afterward she calls me back and is pissed off about it. I tell her you called me. She tells me she didn’t. I hangup and send her the photo showing my call log with her calls being inbound.

Around 9:30 she texts and will call but we need to agree to disagree. That leads into a 2:30 hour fight over her using me for 12 years and now that she has the kids to not be lonely and a high paying job she doesn’t need my money. How can a human being do that to another person? Don’t I deserve to use her for the next twelve years to make up for it. She wants a number. I say no you took my life and now I should get half of your earnings. She thinks it’s unfair. Of course it’s unfair to her, but you didn’t think it was unfair to me the last twelve years. Besides these were your ideas. She goes on about how things have changed and I didn’t want them then. Back then I thought we could save the marriage, but you don’t want to do that now that you had to admit to the infidelity.

That goes into why she emailed Holli but not me. She doesn’t know. I tell her it’s because you didn’t want to be alone and poor. Now it’s time to repay me the same way except I won’t make her have kids or have sex with me.

Doesn’t she want me to be with the kids. They won’t be after a couple of years when I’m in Orange County. How great is your life without a relationship with your father? No friends, cheated on every guy you were ever in a committed relationship with. No hobbies. Always depressed and sleeping. Keeping the loneliness away by reading tons and doing stuff around the house but that will eventually fade when there isn’t anything left to do. And then the men will start rolling in.

She keeps going on about the money. She says she will pay me everything we earned during our relationship. This is minimal to what she going to make at Qualcomm. But she says she will put the excel spreadsheet up at work and make payments until it’s paid off so that I can’t hold it over her head.

I tell her that’s not what I want. And what are you going to do when you make senior director. You won’t have time to take care of the kids. She tells me she will get a nanny. I tell her what a great mom. Now she has made sure that her children won’t be raised by her mom or dad but some stranger just for our money and your fantasy men.

She starts yelling and screaming and telling me fuck you. She starts going on about the bible and God and yada yada yada. She is no longer rational. How she claim to be quoting God when she has never loved a godly life and even now is only going to the church groups to find friends. She doesn’t actually do any of the things the church teaches.

I tell her then why not give me daughter on a schedule for everyone. She goes off about me taking her away and how little time she would get. I tell her I would give her more and better (1:1) time with her than she is giving me going to Orange County. How unfair a better schedule is for you then me?

It’s obvious you don’t want me to have a relationship with her or the kids. She goes on about how she wants me to have a relationship with the kids. I go on about that’s a lie since I was supposed to get 50/50 but she won’t do it because she would owe me money. Now she is afraid to be alone in the house so she is slowing brainwashing them against me. Son has already changed and it’s just a few years before daughter is gone to.

Then she goes on about me taping the call and all other kinds of paranoia. She has obviously lost it. She finally tells me she will pay me every penny and pray on whether to stay married financially until daughter is out of high school as she discussed.

I call her back and say I’m sorry for the heated discussion.

I send her an email saying I’m sorry and I would buy her a coffee at swim with the kids as well as some rules so we don’t do this again. I have to text her to respond. She emails she is sorry to and I can go to swim if I want. Obviously she is writing for the courts.

No mention of anything else.

I text her after swim and ask if she is going to honor the commitment she made last night. She says she doesn’t want to talk about it but will pray about it.

Obviously she has changed her mind as usual. She will only do anything that is what she wants. There isn’t a single thing in her lifer that she will do genuinely for someone else. She will only do nice things for others but only so they don’t think badly of her. Her ego – her reputation which will be zero in a few months. Such a selfish self-centered bitch.

Last night I kept telling her to get into counseling. If you haven’t forgiven yourself in 12 years you won’t after the divorce. You need to get help. She keeps telling me she isn’t crazy like the rest of us. We have that conversation severally times over the 2.5 hour conversation.

I text her after the “I’ll pray on it” text and tell her pray about daughter. If she prays and God answers her she will see what God showed me months ago. No answer.

I am sure I will hear nothing from her. The monster fight was all projection – (blaming me for her infidelity) she’s not broken it’s me – I made her feel small – she felt small before she met me – I made her cheat – that’s never my fault – she prayed to leave me for years – why now after I left and you wouldn’t let me leave the house – I’m trying to get her thrown in jail and separated from the kids – she is the one taking pictures and documenting false allegations.

It’s about distortion campaigns – her telling everyone that I have kept her from having friends while she refused to make any. I was the angry one when she is always yelling. Both of which are also projection. Even my children tell me these things and I know Hunter had made sure they keep it a secret.

I’m seriously thinking about antidepressants until I can get up to Orange County and forget I have a family. Hunter has already turned son and is now working in daughter with our 1:1 times. It will only be a matter of months when time with dad won’t matter.

God give me the strength to forgive her. God give me the strength to let go of my kids. God please heal my heart so I can move on.

This morning after swim I fell on my knees and cried and constantly told myself that there was nothing left in life me. I kept hearing another voice in my head that there was more to come. I just needed to hold on.

I don’t know if I can. I hope I’m not going crazy. I wonder if my depression is gotten so bad that I’m loosing it. I’m sure I may have already lost it. I really just want to walk out of the apartment and not coming back to anything. I’m just too tired to fight anymore. I’m just too tired for anything anymore.

No dreams.

No hope.

No confidence.

No clients.

No responsibility.

No nothing.

I’m not even hungry and I used to be an emotional eater. That can’t be a good sign. I need to get my shit together I have to pick up my son at 5. Maybe a nap will help…

6/17/14 – “The Talk”

So today was going well. Had a great networking meeting and a soft offer for a job in San Diego. Still need to really explore the opportunity but always good to know there are opportunities out there and fun to meet a fellow Arthur Andersen Alum. Amazing how people from two different geographic regions and age groups can have to much in common and know people in common who live in neither of the states we live in.

Got some emails from my sons behavioral therapists arranging for a meeting with Hunter and I although it was supposed to be just me. The head of the practice wanted emails from Hunter allowing it and I went off via email. Called and left an angry message with her assistant then showed up at her office and politely hung out there until they saw me.

We had a long 1.5 hour conversation. I told them I thought Hunter was BPD. That Hunter had told son regarding being hurt, social services, getting Hunter thrown in jail, kicking them out of the house (which she guessed at before I finished the story). They don’t know if they can help in. They suggested in-therapy.

Really? A seven year-old in a mental health ward. Just the overnight away from Hunter or I would kill him. The head of the practice doesn’t know if they can help him with what’s going on. At least they were appreciative of me telling them everything and it helped them to understand why they hadn’t made any progress with him. They said it was the first case were there wasn’t significant progress in the first two months. Yeah team. At least it was good to get it all out there. I don’t know if it will help but maybe it will help them change tactics for him. God help that little kid.

I’m guessing it didn’t help. The head of the practice just dumped my son. We will have a final meeting on Monday and then goodbye. She said he needs a traditional therapist to discuss the divorce. They just don’t want to deal with Hunter and I. Yeah a traditional therapists will help and still no social services / friends club which is what we ultimately wanted. Fuck me.

I text my sister and she tells me it’s my fault. I shouldn’t tell anybody that she has issues. That if I keep telling people I will lose the kids. I should tell them that she sometimes hurts the kids. That’s she is presumably Borderline. Don’t tell anyone anything and just let Hunter do what she wants.

That will only destroy the kids. I love my sister but she has never been one to handle heavy situations very well. If there is a need for a fight she folds. She folded on everything that her sons father asked for without even consulting an attorney or anyone who has any understanding of her family dynamics. Sometimes the right move is to wait. Sometimes it’s to establish and defend proper boundaries.

If she would have taken time to read one book on BPD she would be telling me something different. I love her but she never had the emotional bandwidth to handle much. Just walk away is something I want to do but not necessarily the right answer for my children.

I texted Hunter to see if she got the email. No response. I’m guessing I won’t hear anything for a little while. Maybe it’s time for Kentucky’s finest…

6/16/14 – She Is Fucking Insane

I’m sorry but I don’t really care that she has BPD.  It’s not that she is going out of her way to nickel and dime the settlement – that’s normal for most divorces.  It’s the fact that after listening to my daughter tell me that she has secrets with mom and can’t tell me I call her and she denies everything.

I tell she cannot tell my son that I am asking about things over there because I am trying to get her thrown in jail.  She cannot tell him not to tell anyone anything.  She cannot tell him that if he tells people at school about what is going on at home that the school will take him away from her.  She goes on and on denying it.  Then she uses the argument that she should listen to everything my son tells her.  I ask her what he said and she wont answer.  I ask her again and again and she won’t tell me anything.  Of course not, that is her “evidence” in case things go to court.  I tell her if her ultimate objective is to get me to leave all three of them alone just tell me and I will make it happen.  I am tired of fighting with her and if she is going to continue this programming I don’t need to live my life in hell.

She finally tells me that I told Son to tell the teachers when mommy hurts them.  I say its important for Son to feel comfortable talking to people about being hurt.  I tell Hunter that Son told me that she kicked daughter.  I couldn’t believe that so I pressed him harder.  I need to understand what’s going on since you don’t seem to remember or understand what you say or do when you are angry.

She starts denying things again and tell her she can’t say that since we all know the length that she will go to when she’s upset and the lies and vicious things she will say to defend herself.  She brings up how I am only calling to be abusive and that she will get someone to be a third party whenever we talk about the children.  I say that’s fine, but she still can’t say those things.  Then she goes on about how every time I get in a bad mood I call to harass her and that I can’t tell her that God doesn’t love her and won’t forgive her that it’s not my call.  I say I agree it’s not my call, but she is being as selfish now as when she was emailing Holli about her affair with Chris.

She then goes into the whole me telling the kids she cheated on me.  I tell her I wouldn’t have to if she didn’t tell the kids that I was being mean to her and that I broke the marriage and that she kicked me out of the house.  She starts going on about how the kids heard things in the fight…I tell her if she wants me to never talk to her and the kids to let me know.  Hunter goes on about how she wants me to have a relationship with the kids.  I tell her that’s impossible if you are telling my son those things. That’s part of the reason he doesn’t want to come over her.  If I’m only going to see my son a few hours a week why live down here.  I know you don’t want to be alone, but you also need a break and that’s not going to happen if I eventually stop spending time with kids because of what she is filling his head with.

I get it you think that if I am not around anymore you never have to come to terms with the past and therefore you will automatically be forgiven because you don’t have to think about it.  She starts in on how I will always be in her life and that I will never forgive her.  I’m thinking that she may be right if she isn’t going to get help.  I tell her that she needs to get help.  That she will never forgive herself if she doesn’t get into counseling and stop acting this way.  She is just going to repeat these things in the future and ruin our kids in the process.  She has problems and needs to get help.

She starts in on my being abusive and calling her a bad mom.  I keep telling her that saying these things just once sticks in my sons head and destroys our relationship.  She starts in on how I just need to drag him to my place and take him for the time allotted.  I ask her if that makes sense.  Aren’t we not allowing the therapists to do that since it is counter productive?  Do I really want my son to think we have to fight right before he comes over.  Will that repair the damage you are doing?  She starts in on how she didn’t say any of it. She isn’t programming him against me.  I’m harassing her.  What do I want?

I want you to admit that you said it and that you are never going to say that stuff again or I will take off to Orange County and pretend the three of them don’t exist.  She tells me how selfish that is.  I tell her selfish is moving me away from my job, away from my family, away from my cats, derailing my career, and my self respect by embarrassing me in front of all of my friends and colleagues back then.  That if she wasn’t selfish she would move to San Clemente and we could split the commute.  She tells me no she can’t do that because of her son. I say San Clemente has all of those things (special education programs, counselors, special ed aids, and babysitters) like Carlsbad. I say you won’t move because you selfishly don’t want to do the commute.  You don’t care about anyone if its inconvenient to you.  How I have to make the sacrifices while she gets to have a life and all the money and i spend my life on the freeway to support her.  When did she ever support me?  Selfishly never I was always the paycheck and person to use so she can never be alone and now that she has the job and the kids she can dump me so she doesn’t have to share the money.

Then she talks about how I’m getting half of everything and I rail in on her how I earned over a half million dollars over the life of our relationship and stayed true and faithful to her and now that she is going to make a few million more over the next 20 years she wants a divorce to go make friends and a better looking boyfriend.  Just another selfish fantasy that she doesn’t want to pay for.  if she is going to continue to telling my son these things I can start in on a six figure divorce and make this a true war.  She asks me if I want that.  I say no, but I am not willing to accept these things anymore.  She needs to stop this stuff or I will spend her and my money on something that will be destructive to everyone because I feel I can win with all of the evidence I can bring into the picture.

Over the course of 25 minutes she hangs up on me four times and tells me its bad cell phone coverage.  Right before the end she puts my son on to tell me to stop being mean to her.  I tell him I am telling her that she isn’t allowed to lie to him anymore.  That i am not trying to get her thrown in jail or get him taken away from her.  How pathetic is it to use our seven year-old Asperger’s son to lay guilt trips on my while she is crying and telling me I am abusive.  All this because she still won’t admit to what she is doing and change.  She won’t admit to the fact that she has problems and won’t seek help.

Of course it doesn’t help that when I picked up my daughter she tells me that Hunter stopped by the school and put her hair in a braid.  I’m not sure if that is true, but she is pretty convincing about how mom brought the band and that she wants to keep it because its from moms house and it’s expensive.  Really less than a penny?  For $400K a year she can’t afford things.  Really.  She told my son that she didn’t have enough clothes for him for school because I was keeping them at my place.  All two outfits.  Two weeks earlier she told my daughter the same thing – all two outfits.  Everything comes confronted and denied.  A typical BPD issue.  Divide the information chains and spill lies between everything.  Hence why I can’t speak with her family and her mother won’t even send me a birthday card.  At one time she told me how much she liked me.  How great I was for Hunter, and how she has more fun with me than her.  Fucking crazy ass family.  I am starting to believe that God wants me to learn to be nice but selfish.  No longer worrying about how I can help others, but to enjoy my life and help myself instead.  Maybe it’s not about hitting bottom.  Maybe it’s not about sacrifice to save people that can only be saved by their own work and effort.  To let go of the future and what I can or cannot help.

Live a 12 step program.  Learn to change what I cannot accept, accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference. I hope she stops praying for me and starts getting her ass into counseling and repairing the three year old emotional girl inside that 39 year old body.  I hope she keeps herself pure until she gets her shit together.  I hope that she has been thoroughly put on notice about her actions being monitored.  i think I need to get a motion activated nanny cam to get more evidence against her.  Enough data and I can hammer her if she continues to derail her therapy.  I also need to get a hold of her phone and use the passcode she gave me to access and erase all 500 voicemails she has saved and any notes she has collected. Delete any of the photos that she is trying to say I have hurt him and any videos.  Just need twenty minutes alone with it.  Maybe this Thursday when I watch the kids at her house I can snag it while she is changing or something and make it all vanish from her phone. Although I am guessing that most of her notes are on her work computer which is something she doesn’t realize taints all her work emails and subjects all communications with her attorneys to discovery since it is used on a non-personal computer where she has given up the right to privacy and therefore privilege.

What a fucking nightmare!  I hope she gets her shit together and lets my daughter go so she can grow up away from this drama…what a psycho drama bitch.  She hasn’t changed since she was faking pregnancies with Chris and emailing his wife.  She is a psycho drama bitch.  At least everyday I realize more and more how much she is toxic to everyone she touches and this will eventually be the best thing for me even if I die alone and a broke transient.  At least then I will be free…