10/11/18 – More Drama

I keep thinking that Heidi will die soon. At least, I hope she doesn’t take my kids with her. There is always a possibility that they will perish with her.

The kids seem to be destined that their lives will end. I can’t seem to shake the reality that all of this is amiss. All I can think about is my life her at Seminary will end once she dies and I have to take care of the kids.

Maybe that is for the best. There are a lot of egos at this school. I don’t fit the mold, but maybe that’s the point. I am feeding His children while everyone else is trying to survive or find a mate. Most people are already married in this group, so at my age I’m the outlier. Then again that is what I usually am – on the outside trying to fit in.

At my age I really don’t care about the egos of others. I’m really just worried about my kids. There is a danger that I can seem to escape, and it is damaging my grades and motivation to be at Seminary.

Maybe God wanted me close to take care of the kids after Heidi has passed away. On Friday I saw her and the skin above the hairline crinkled when she smiled. There is not enough fat underneath the skin on her face to hold it in place.

I spent the time with my daughter, but Heidi spent it with her friend. I guess the children don’t matter to her anymore. She just wants out of this life. There is a suicide meeting today at lunch. I don’t have a seat, but the professor said I could go if I wanted to.

There is a point in time where everything will break lose on my life again, and I am sure I am just paying for my sins again. I guess that’s life.

3/15/17 – Divorce Day

I have my meeting with Heidi and our mediator this afternoon to go over supports. I have the feeling that Heidi will blow up and try and screw me. She only cares about sex and money so she is never alone. A typical borderline trait. 

I told my kids that if Heidi didn’t do right by me today that I would never see any of them ever again. I can’t sit around and starve to death with my kids watching so that psychopath and stay rich and fucking her stupid church boyfriend. 

If she does try and screw me she will wonder where I’m at this Friday and sit in that parking lot forever with no return text or phone call. I’ll be gone and all of her prescious plans will be gone. 

She will have the kids 100% of the time, and everyone at work, at church, and in her family will have read about her. She will be totally alone with the kids and very little support or friends. No one wants to be friends with a psychopath. 

She has already ruined my daughter so there isn’t much left for me in this life. Time to sell everything and move on to a new life without them!

….

She yelled and screamed and told me her new boyfriend was so much better than me. I listed her sins and she told me that the everyone in her church group knew. They don’t know about the faked pregnancies or faked suicides and using me for her career then throwing me away. 

I told her to just pay me child support and I would forgo the spousal support. She never responded. 

I want nothing to do with her anymore, and the faster I can get away from her the better. She will never be normal. She will never be healthy. She will alsways abuse me and our children until everyone is destroyed. 

She told me she tries to forgive me everyday, and I know it’s projection. She is trying to forgive herself and she never will. She will continue to reinvent herself to not be alone and will continue to fuck up every relationship until she dies alone and miserable. 

I’m tired of all the drama. I guess it’s time to walk away from her and see if I can reinvent myself down here and still make a living. We shall see. 

When I decided to move out my thought was prison or dying on the streets. We shall see if God wants me to die on the streets or something more in-line with his will