3/10/19 – Heidi Is Going Crazy Over Custody Schedules

We are going to go to mediation, which means we don’t have to go by the State of California law. But she wants, demands that we adhere to it. There is a time and place for moving to Austin, I don’t think right now is the time.

What happens if she dies soon? Will she kill one or both of my kids? At least I am safe from her constant harassment. My son called me last week to complain about his mom. He is the one I see in the reflection drowning in blood. When I took a picture a couple of days ago he waved at me. I thought that was funny since he knows I always wave at him. Funny to see the demons make him wave. He was also dressed in normal clothes.

I guess the danger is still there. There will always be a danger with her in the picture. She doesn’t care about the kids, only her need for self-gratification. That’s her issue and it will die with her one-day. I just hope I am there to see it, without having to bury both of my kids.

3/5/19 – Still Thinking About Austin

Kansas is married, and she doesn’t like me. I saw her two days ago, and she had her husband speed up so I wouldn’t know where they went.

I think Austin is the best option for me. My son called a couple of times last night, but I was already asleep. I think Heidi tried to hurt him. If that is the case, then I have no choice but to take him with me. That’s not fair to him.

There is always an issue with Heidi. She doesn’t care about herself or others. She just cares about herself and her insanity. She doesn’t love anyone but herself and never will like anyone else, but herself. She is always trying to destroy others and never tho is about anyone else but herself. She is a destructive force that knows no love, compassion, or mercy for anyone. One day she will die, and things will end over their.

They will be my children and no one will love them the way that I do. That is the one thing I have that they don’t get from Heidi. ❤️

At some point in time, I need to leave this insanity behind me and watch the world from a distance. There will always be a place for me in this world. Just not in So Cal.

2/26/19 – I Sit At VW Services

I’m trying to figure out what all of this insanity really means. I found pictures of Heidi having sex with women, and I think she may be bisexual. The problem is that the insanity will continue until she dies. If she has a heart attack on the freeway, then everyone dies.

That’s my biggest fear is that I will be left alone in this world without my kids. I love them, but she uses them for money. She doesn’t even like my son, and she only pretends to like my daughter. One day they will all be gone and I will be left alone wondering what the hell happened to my life.

I know she is a Borderline and has no moral or ethical construct to develop into something amazing. If I want to send the pictures to her boss at EY she would be fired. Then maybe she would kill herself. She knows what it’s like to steal money from my kids and the repercussions for it. Like a black eye!

I hope at some point she does kill herself and doesn’t kill one of my kids. That’s the point, I love them and she doesn’t.

She started changing my blog again, and I threatened to leave the state if she did it again, and leave the kids with her full time. A fresh start for me in Austin. Maybe I can find some work there? There are a lot of tax jobs out there I just need to network with the right people to land one. I’ve been on my own for so long, that they think I can’t handle the stress of my job. Oh well, Heidi will eventually kill everyone in that house and I will be left alone unless she kills herself first. That would be the best plan. Keep my children safe.

The real problem with BPD’s is the narcissism that goes with them. They have no moral or ethical construct and they don’t care about anyone but themselves. That’s the dilemma. If she destroys herself then she will destroy my kids. If she cares so little about them she will destroy them from the inside out.

My daughter is going to be a histrionic, like Joy Houle. Always selfish, never loving or in control. She cheated on me, but she lies about it so people don’t know. That’s what histrionics do. They lie to cover up their failures.

1/22/18 – Heidi Wants Me To Babysit for Her and Chris

I find her to be so funny. Heidi tells me the kids want to spend more time with me over the presidential holiday. I know the truth is that Heidi wants to go out of town with Chris. She wants a free babysitter. I sent her a message telling her to pay me more for the time. I’m sure she will get her brother to take care of it for free.

He’s a fat loser who cheated on his wife. That whole family cheats. Her dad cheated on her mom. Her mom had a retaliatory affair. Heidi cheats on me. Mike cheats on his wife. I just hope the baby sister doesn’t cheat as well. Probably not she has daddy issues.

I don’t think she will bite on the money. I’m sure she will blame me for issues with her travels by telling the kids that I asked for more money. Tonight I will have to let the kids know that she is doing it so she can travel with her boyfriend. A guy who knits and cheats on her. He is such a douche and she is clueless to why.

As long as she is not alone.

Hopefully she will exercise herself to death this year and the world will be rid of a little bit of evil.

1/17/18 – The Voices

Watching the movie The Voices. It stars Ryan Reynolds as a schizophrenic psychopath. He ends up murdering people. First accidentally, then intentionally. It’s a very dark comedy that after a while you start to feel sympathy for the devil.

I wonder what the hell I’m going to do with my life. I’m set adrift and can’t find an anchor anywhere. I’m trying to hold on to my faith, but with all of the setbacks I’m trying to wonder why I’m doing any of this.

Will there be a payoff that makes sense? Will I find what I’m looking for or just end up wondering why I did it? I can’t seem to catch a break right now so maybe this is all in my head.

I also wonder why God wants me in San Diego. Nothing ever good happened to me there. There are a lot of people that don’t like me because of the lies that Joy and Gina have told about me. All to cover their egos. Such a sad little 3040 Group. No honor, no love, only adultery, lies, deceit and deception. And they all wonder why they don’t have a Pastor yet.

In the end I need to start focusing on me. I can’t change the fact that Heidi stole 10 years and $1.2 million. She spends her money on a gay man named Chris who knits and cheats on her. Not that she would believe it. She thinks no one cheats on her, but Don was sleeping with other women besides Heidi and his wife. Chris is doing the same and I’ve seen it.

She thinks no one wants to cheat on her, but her weight loss is symbolic of her guilt and slow death. I don’t expect to see her survive this year. Even if my daughter tells me that she eats more. She is still getting smaller than is healthy. There is a part of me that wishes she would die, but that would just mean the three of us would starve to death.

I guess I can’t change the past, only the future. I should start making smarter choices soon before I get to heavy to lose weight and won’t make the 1/2 marathon in June.

12/14/17 – Not Feeling Well

Spent most of today just lazying around. I’ve got a cold of sorts, and wasn’t interested in finishing the day strong. I mostly just spent the day watching tv.

I’m sure there is nothing going on in my life right now, but I need to start moving in the right direction. Constantly fumbling around leads me to suicidal thoughts. There isn’t much to do in my life right now. I’m hoping my Father will intervene at some point in time and help me out financially. I will need some spending cash to go out in the world. I’ll also need some for dating if I decide to start that process again. Maybe in 2018?

12/13/17 – Addiction

I think I must be addicted to caffeine. The more I take the more I sleep. I don’t think that is natural. I’m trying to get some reading done for school so I can get ahead of the game, but its hard to do when you are always tired.

I think I need to kick the habit. I know in a couple of days I will be out of caffeinated drinks and will have massive withdrawals. I think that will be the healthiest plan of all – quit cold turkey.

At least it will save me money and help the dentist costs. Fewer issues with rotting teeth.

All day I keep thinking am I on the right track? Should I really be going to Seminary? Is this the healthiest thing to do? I may starve to death with this idea. Will it turn out the way I want? Will I survive or just starve to death on the street?

I have no idea. At the same time, I don’t have a lot of time or opportunity anymore. Most of that is gone in the past. There is not a lot of love interests available to a man my age going back to school to be a pastor. I hear it all the time. I guess this world really isn’t for me anymore.

I just hope not to starve to death in front of my kids.