4/21/18 – I Can’t Get Through To Heidi

She keeps telling the kids she loves them. Hey, they don’t feel it. My son hates her, and my daughter doesn’t trust her anymore. They both know that the house will be sold once she dies.

I tried to let Heidi know that we are all concerned about her continued weight loss. She does not see it. All she thinks about is making Chris happy. If he gets anything out of the estate that would be criminal in my mind. That money is for the kids and if she starves us all because she hates me then she will suffer greatly in hell

Biblical restitution is required for her to gain entry into heaven, but she refuses to pay me back the $1.2 million she stole from me and used me for over a decade while not loving me. Much less the tools, book or DVDs she stole as well. She has no moral construct and punishment is all she has left in her.

She buys her boyfriend and rents her kids out to the highest bidder just to have some time with Chris. Both my kids know she does not love them. Borderline’s don’t love they control, manipulate, and lie to keep things on the outside in order. There is no control inside their minds so everything is manipulating everyone they know through lies and deceit. It’s a sad world. I just hope I can meet someone that brightens my day to marry. Otherwise, it will a long and painful life.

Hopefully, God will write my name on someone’s heart and her name on mine.

5/18/15 – Borderline Retribution

This is the frustrating part of divorcing a Borderline. As soon as she realizes that I am out Saturday night, since my parents are picking up the kids, and I have given her a hard time by texting her everyday like she does me, she sends me a bill for the medical costs. Not only are they sent months after they are required by California law, but also a month after we agreed to in the MSA. Besides, she failed to include the costs I have paid during that period. Costs she knows I paid, because she always makes a comment about me paying. Legally I don’t have to reimburse them since they were not provided within the required time frame, but I know it is her way of bringing me into a fight with her. Anything to maintain a relationship with me. Even if it is unhealthy.

The best part is knowing that I just arranged for my parents to watch our son for nine days this summer. Saving her a total cost of almost $1,200. Do I get a reimbursement for it? No. A genuine thanks…No. What I get is a bill for $300 dollars because she is so poor making over $400,000 a year. She needs to paint her bedroom, so she needs money from me to do it.

I email her back and let her know we can talk about it tonight after we talk with Debbie who appears to want some comfort that we won’t sue her if our son gets hurt because he runs off. I know I wouldn’t, but I am sure Hunter would. Nothing gets in the way of Hunter and her money.

All I can do is try and talk sense into her. Reason with her about all of the hell she has put me through and all the value I provide her that she is ungrateful for. All of which should be considered and compensated for even if it is just pennies on the dollar by not irritating me for money.

All I want to do is confront her and hammer her.  I am sure I will eventually, and all this will blow up.

The worst part is stopping by her house today and she rearranged the furniture. She took the rocking chair (which she still hasn’t given back to her brother and most likely never will) out of my daughters bedroom and moved the trampoline out of her room. I guess the kids are not entitled to those things anymore. Plus all of the bibles and bible books are gone. As well as I found a couple of my few treasured personal items in her jewelry box. Funny, she had to literally take them out of my memento box before I left last year. She has intentionally stolen my college diplomas and now some of my few mementos. One from my little brother in my college fraternity, and the other a best man gift. Anything to punish me for leaving her. It’s not like she was ever a maiden of honor or bridesmaid. Nobody ever liked her enough for that. Nobody ever will.

I really need to figure how to end this assault. I am guessing that it is going to become an all out war if she continues down this path. I am tired of being abused and bullied by this bitch. As soon as I provide her $1,200 of free child care she sends me a late bill for $300. This is on top of the already $700 I have provided so far this year.

5/7/15 – She Drank From My Water Glass

So last night while we are all standing in my kitchen taking preventive medicine for the pinworns my daughter picked up, Hunter uses my water glass for our  daughter, then I drink out of it. Afterwards Hunter takes it from my hand and drinks out of it.

Seriously, I thought we were fucking divorced. Now she is drinking out of my water glass. She won’t have sex with me, won’t pay me the money she owes me, won’t ask me for forgiveness for what she has done, much less tell her family the truth of her insanity…but she can still drink out of my water glass as if we are still married. 

Almost 20 years is a long time for habits to break, and in order to be free I need to move further than invisioned. Talking with Ben about my thoughts of Mid-town neighborhood and he thought it was brilliant. North Park, University Heights, Normal Heights, Kensington. All good options for space from Hunter yet close to work. Plus there are a few more options in my price range. Looking forward to it.

This morning my son was getting an extended installed for his palate and Hunter texted me 7 times for the play by play.  Seriously, why can’t she just leave me alone. She wanted this reality and her money and freedom, why isn’t she taking it.

I guess I wasnt the source of her not having friends. I guess I’m not the source of her failure as a person. I guess all the weight she has lost hasn’t improved her life and made her more attractive to the Brad Pitt of her dreams. Sucks for her.

As God as said – the longer she refuses to learn her lessons and fails to repay her debt to me the longer her sorrow will last. I will be glad when I’m not around to witness her eventual downfall. Hopefully be then I will be free and moving up into my new reality. 

5/2/15 – Toxic Relationships and XXS Clothing

I think it’s time to cut ties with J. I like her. She is a good person, but I’m not in a place anymore to give needlessly.  I’m not going to learn anything from this constant nagging feeling about her.  Each text or call is another hope for gsomething that isn’t going to happen.  A little space is what I need from all my toxic relationships.  Or at least those relationships that have become toxic. 

Last night at book club S was actually nice to me. I’m guessing because I opened a bottle of wine without asking – and I showed up which he desperately wanted. Always strange to listen to him go on about wonderful metaphysical growth when you know it’s just a bullshit story to make himself look impressive. He talks about never gossiping or saying anything bad about others in the group, but when he first gets there he is bitching about work and I thought his ex-wife (again). I walked away since I’m not a fan of all that negative chatter. 

Anyways, being depressed and wanting things that and dangled in front of you for the other persons  benefit (J) are not what I’m interested in anymore.  Cut ties of things that are not uplifting and focus on future growth and current gratitude. What else should I do?

No party tonight. My son is sick and needs a little TLC. Funny he usually loves going to my parents, but when your not feeling well and mom didn’t even think about it until I was picking them up I’m sure he didn’t get the love he needed from Hunter. Besides Hunter only really wanted a daughter. All us boys are just tools to use. Then again so is our daughter now for Hunter. Take then to  the park, feed them and dump them on dad. 

She didn’t even hug her goodbye again. Not sure why that is such an issue with me. It used to be such a big production last year – hugs, tears, fights – but now nothing. Just make sure they have the packed bags and out the door. She must be in desperate need to get out or go out. Who knows the truth anymore. At least I know what the future is going to hold for her soon. 

I saw another Yoga video by the tv again. This one is specifically geared towards weight loss. As if she needs to lose anymore weight. On this trajectory she is only going to get sick with more weight loss. At least I figured out why she keeps buying new clothes. XXS – smaller bras – she doesn’t fit in her old clothes anymore. She needs a much smaller size now. Just another Bordeline issue that I will have to deal with in 5 years. I will worry about it then. If it does go down that way at least she will have one hell of a trust fund for the kids. 

4/30/15 – Constant Contact From Hunter

There is no shortage of communication from Hunter today. It starts with an email about my son’s at work which she forwarded from his teacher. She cuts of her original email and just send the teachers email with an FYI. Why cut off her original email? It must be unpleasant about me or about her life. Then s text about my son’s ortho appointment which he did great at. I will say the upped Abilify had been working well. Then a slow of appointments and appointment changes. I think there was at least ten separate pounds from her today. I wish she would stop fucking with the calendar – its starting to get hard to keep track of. 

Lunch with the leaders of the new firm seem to go well although I think all of us were a still a bit tired. Interesting to hear them talk about helping with running the firm. That’s usually left to more senior people with long time experience in the office. I will take it though. I think that is becoming one of my better strengths.

Dinner with the kids was easy and chill.  They picked out a couple of pieces for jewelry for Mothers Day. It’s a little more than I wanted to spend, but I would rather spend $20 more than try to explain to the kids why I don’t want to. 

Son seems happier and more manageable on the higher Abilify dose. Although he is a bit more hyper which is strange. I wouldn’t expect it. The facial ticks are gone too which is nice. All of the distracting eye scrunching seems to have faded away. 

Daughter won’t leave my side which is  frustrating, but I need to enjoy it before she doesn’t want to anymore. I know that day will come soon. 

I also want to start my new life soon. I need to give notice tomorrow and I am hoping they just cut me loose asap. I could use the extra time off, but I suspect it won’t happen. Even if I am going to a competitor. We shall see.

4/29/15 – She Is The Master Liar and Manipulator

Spending the afternoon at Hunter’s house for the “intake interview” for my sons in-home counseling was as funny as it was frustrating. To listen her go on about how son does this, and son does that, but only after I say the same thing. Although she had no comment when the psychologist wondered why things were worse over than then at my place. Maybe it’s the explosive anger associated with her untreated personality disorder. Wait, it can’t be that there is nothing wrong with her. I know it’s petty, but to sit there and listen to her talk about son singing in church before he did it for me is hilarious. She has had them two Sundays in 2015 and I know she did not take him in April and he wasn’t doing that in December / January.

Then again I think I figured out that i am allergic to the cats. Spending that much time there and my eyes glowed red. I still miss those little cats…

The psychologist wants us (all four) to meet every week at her house for 1.5 hours a week. I can’t do that. I would slit my wrists if it were mandatory. I am going to have to figure out how to tactfully excuse myself. I know Hunter is excited to see me every week. You should have seen her smile. She even told my son that he would be seeing me two times a week now. Once with the psychologist and once with me as usual. It almost seemed like Hunter liked the idea of controlling me for two nights a week now that I am cutting her lose from my life.

I went home and walked for two miles then worked out for another 20 minutes. Afterwards I ate dinner. Probably two two late at 9:00, but I had not eaten since 2pm I was hungry.

Hunter just texted me and told me my mom is on Facebook and sent her a friend request. I told her she could decline it, but she said it was ok and accepted it. She wouldn’t accept mine last year after we were kissing again in August, but will my mom. Funny as shit. Why? She knows I unfriended all of her relatives, and my sister unfriended her. All I can think is that is a way to maintain control and one sided information. She can look into my life, but me not hers. She knows how to block posts from certain people, but my mom does not.

So far this day Hunter has managed to find two separate ways (by fate not choice) to maintain control and insight into my life without giving me anything. Typical Borderline abuser. Lie, cheat, steal, and maintain constant control and information without giving up any information or visibility into her life.  That is just Amazing Hunter….

4/28/15 – Trying To Be Friends

J texted me today while she was at a marketing conference. A few back and forth texts during the day. Strange to feel her being friends. Still doesn’t feel right, but I am trying to do what is best. I invited her to a group dinner so she can start meeting some people outside of OK Cupid. She talks about wanting to meet people, but I get the sense she really just wants to date a lot of guys. Not necessarily sleep with any of them. I’m guessing those days are over for her, but at least go out and have some innocent fun. Or as she likes to put it meet a few guys and become friends with them and see where it leads. Talk about stringing people along for a while. I’m guessing at some point she will realize that she isn’t pretty or young enough to keep guys buying her meals and drinks for months without some type of reciprocity. 

A accidentally texted me today. I responded, but got nothing back so I texted her to see if there would be an issue this weekend since I would be seeing her at another dinner. She said she was getting her hair done and that she is much better now. I’m guessing that is her way of saying she doesn’t think so. I hope not. It would be great to be friends with her. That’s why I am trying to be friends with J. I can’t ask someone else to do something hard and painful unless I was willing to do the same thing. 

I guess learning to control my emotions will be a good lesson in life. Something that I never learned to do. Better late than never. There is always something to learn everyday if you love right. 

Got a simple txt from hunter on our daughters dental checkup – no cavities. I guess it’s easier with a neurologically typical child. No gas, no restraints, no screaming. Lots more teeth brushing. 

I even worked out today and still had some fun. I guess it was a good day!