11/14/18 – Heidi Keeps Losing Weight

My daughter cried twice last weekend because she thinks her mom will die soon. She thinks people will make fun of her for losing her mom. I keep trying to tell her that people will take care of her. It’s a traumatic experience to lose a mom, and people will be nice to her.

At some point in time, Heidi will have a heart attack and die. That will leave me with two kids and no job. I will need to pick up the pieces of her broken life to help the kids figure out how to grieve.

I’m sure this will leave me broken and alone forever. My son is on the Spectrum, and my daughter is dyslexic. I doubt anyone would want to date me at that time. At least I will have my family and struggle with money all the days of my life until I find a job that pays enough for all of us. That probably won’t happen in San Diego.

I may have to move someplace else to find work, and that will leave the kids heartbroken my leaving their friends. I guess there is nothing I can do about it..

11/2/18 – Heidi Is Changing My Blog’s Again

I told her that is she didn’t stop doing what she is doing I would take her to court and get her thrown in jail. I don’t think she cares. I think if she lost her job she would throw in the towel. She has gone completely mad by now, and certainly has no understanding of human decency. That’s why she changes everything I write. She is a monster of epic proportion, and I can’t feel that leaving the state will be necessary for me to heal.

She treats my children like shit, and they hate her for it. They can’t stand her when she calls the cops, or steals their money, or beats and chokes them, locks my daughter in her room, and throws away their toys. Her insanity is out of hand, which is why she has to buy her boyfriend. If she didn’t have money Chris would leave her for another women with money. All Heidi is a gold mine that Chris uses to stuff his own face.

10/11/18 – More Drama

I keep thinking that Heidi will die soon. At least, I hope she doesn’t take my kids with her. There is always a possibility that they will perish with her.

The kids seem to be destined that their lives will end. I can’t seem to shake the reality that all of this is amiss. All I can think about is my life her at Seminary will end once she dies and I have to take care of the kids.

Maybe that is for the best. There are a lot of egos at this school. I don’t fit the mold, but maybe that’s the point. I am feeding His children while everyone else is trying to survive or find a mate. Most people are already married in this group, so at my age I’m the outlier. Then again that is what I usually am – on the outside trying to fit in.

At my age I really don’t care about the egos of others. I’m really just worried about my kids. There is a danger that I can seem to escape, and it is damaging my grades and motivation to be at Seminary.

Maybe God wanted me close to take care of the kids after Heidi has passed away. On Friday I saw her and the skin above the hairline crinkled when she smiled. There is not enough fat underneath the skin on her face to hold it in place.

I spent the time with my daughter, but Heidi spent it with her friend. I guess the children don’t matter to her anymore. She just wants out of this life. There is a suicide meeting today at lunch. I don’t have a seat, but the professor said I could go if I wanted to.

There is a point in time where everything will break lose on my life again, and I am sure I am just paying for my sins again. I guess that’s life.

9/3/18 – More Anorexia With Heidi

She won’t eat, and she won’t change. I keep telling her that she is unhealthy, but that’s not my concern. I told her today that if she died I would not take the kids to her funeral. She needs to eat or die. Either way I will have to adjust my life appropriately.

There is a time and a place for death and at 43 she is not ready to die yet. I cannot fathom what must be going on inside her head to want out of this life. I understand that she got fired from work for treating people poorly. I know she can’t find a job looking like death in the interview process.

There is a point in time where people check out and decide death is a better answer. For her it will not be. She is not forgiven, or loved by my Father or my Savior. She will reckon with hell in the afterlife. I wish she would get her shit together since I will end up taking care of the kids when she dies, and I don’t have the strength to make it all work right now.

I hope her heart changes and she figures out death is the worst of her plans. She needs to gain weight before she dies soon.

8/22/18 – As Usual Heidi Denies Her Place In This World

She won’t pay for clothes for the kids. She spends all her money on her boyfriend who is just using her for money and sex. Like Don Stone, she is just being used. As a Borderline she needs companionship all the time.

I have let her know that if she keeps this shit up I will sue her for the kids and she will be paying me 17% of her fictitious salary. The courts are not interested in hypotheticals. She owes and she owes and she Wil never see the kids again after everything they have been through.

She stole my son and daughters money while replacing it with fake money. This is insane. She got a black eye the week after vacation because she wouldn’t buy my son a remote control car even though he has the money to buy it. My son believes that he had a right to buy it, but Heidi decided that he wasn’t allowed to buy it. She deserved the black eye after treating my son that way.

She never takes care of the kids. They haven’t had new clothes in over a year except for shoes. She uses her money on Chris because she can’t be alone and Chris uses her for the money and sex. One day she will die from her anorexia and he will never see her again.

8/15/18 – Chris Is In San Francisco

As usual a Borderline can’t be alone. She got Chris to come up to San Francisco. I’m sure to replace the memories of her and I up there. Typical, she starved herself for him and I am the bad guy. She has sex with him in front of my kids and they don’t seem to notice. She gets an extra room for her and Chris and leaves the kids alone in a different room.

Typical shit from her. She cares so little of the kids that she is willing to destroy her relationship with them for a boyfriend who is only using her for sex and money. Some days I wonder what is going through her mind that she would abandon her children for a guy who is just using her.

He also the guy telling her to lose weight and this is going to end poorly for her. Maybe even for my children? If she has a heart attack in the car with the kids there then they all die. That would be a disaster for me.

I can’t change the world, but I can pray and ask God to spare my children. But I can’t change His mind. I can only let things happen as they will. What a waiting game?

8/11/18 – Finished The Reading, and Starting Hebrew

The strange part about all of this is Heidi is all the way up past San Francisco with the kids on vacation. It must be nice for her with the kids and all the wonderful stuff they are doing using my money.

I just pray they don’t die up there!

Tomorrow is starting Hebrew and keeping that part in motion. It’s a strange reality to be learning dead languages, but it’s part of my new reality. I’ve met a number of people who live here and some seem really nice. Others are a bit introverted. It’s the time of season where I don’t have a girlfriend or someone special in my life.

Maybe one day God will grant me someone to be in my life. If not, then more time for service and sacrifice for Him. I would still prefer to have someone special in my life, but maybe that is not meant to be.

Maybe tomorrow I can buy my guitar after church? Maybe there is a reason for everything. Right now I don’t see a lot of difference in my reality, but maybe things will change soon. That’s my ultimate hope!