2/4/19 – Thinking About Moving To Austin

There is a point in time where you really need a break from the insanity. My son ran off again yesterday for no reason at all. My daughter is turning into a Histrionic, and I don’t have many friends here in Escondido.

There is a time when healing is more important than now. Heidi is a whore who has pictures on porn sites and she doesn’t seem to care. I know she is a Borderline because having her boyfriend is more important than anything else in the world. She ignores my children and never is home during the week. She has church groups and yoga. Anything to get her to die sooner is welcome in my life.

I know she is anorexic and will die soon, but there is a point in time where the advice of my professional counselor comes in handy. Ben dated a Borderline as well, and finally gave up a great business for healing. Maybe it’s time I leave the state and let Heidi deal with the kids all on her own. I know Chris will drop her like a bomb so he can grab someone else.

I know she is cheating on him, and he is cheating on her. It’s a weird reality that they don’t seem to care. He dates her for money and sex, and she is a Borderline so she doesn’t want to be alone.

At some point in time I need to find peace in this life and serve God somehow. I don’t know when or where, but there is a Triune God and he desires my life for his glory. At some point in time I need to heal and leave this wonderful state for someplace where she cannot get to.

11/14/18 – Heidi Keeps Losing Weight

My daughter cried twice last weekend because she thinks her mom will die soon. She thinks people will make fun of her for losing her mom. I keep trying to tell her that people will take care of her. It’s a traumatic experience to lose a mom, and people will be nice to her.

At some point in time, Heidi will have a heart attack and die. That will leave me with two kids and no job. I will need to pick up the pieces of her broken life to help the kids figure out how to grieve.

I’m sure this will leave me broken and alone forever. My son is on the Spectrum, and my daughter is dyslexic. I doubt anyone would want to date me at that time. At least I will have my family and struggle with money all the days of my life until I find a job that pays enough for all of us. That probably won’t happen in San Diego.

I may have to move someplace else to find work, and that will leave the kids heartbroken my leaving their friends. I guess there is nothing I can do about it..

11/8/18 – Another Hebrew Exam

I am so not ready for it. Maybe it’s time to pack up and leave school? It about time to find some work and get on with my life. There are things in place that will soon make my life easier. On Friday I will pick up the kids and see where everything leads me.

There is a point in time where you just can’t handle the workload and I am there now. I am not sure what God has planned for me, but I am hoping things will work out so that I don’t starve to death. If that does happen then that will be His will.

There is always a time where things are going darker than light, and maybe this is it. I will still learn the languages of God (Hebrew and Koine), but sometimes there is no reason to stumble so I can survive. I have to believe that God has a plan for my life. I have to hope that there is a need for me to survive for my kids and be able to take care of them. Without my kids in my life, I am not sure that things would work out well for them. They live in a house without love, and Heidi does not understand how to raise them properly.

At some point in time, everything will work out for His best. Maybe it’s time to live life like its the only life I have!

1/17/18 – The Voices

Watching the movie The Voices. It stars Ryan Reynolds as a schizophrenic psychopath. He ends up murdering people. First accidentally, then intentionally. It’s a very dark comedy that after a while you start to feel sympathy for the devil.

I wonder what the hell I’m going to do with my life. I’m set adrift and can’t find an anchor anywhere. I’m trying to hold on to my faith, but with all of the setbacks I’m trying to wonder why I’m doing any of this.

Will there be a payoff that makes sense? Will I find what I’m looking for or just end up wondering why I did it? I can’t seem to catch a break right now so maybe this is all in my head.

I also wonder why God wants me in San Diego. Nothing ever good happened to me there. There are a lot of people that don’t like me because of the lies that Joy and Gina have told about me. All to cover their egos. Such a sad little 3040 Group. No honor, no love, only adultery, lies, deceit and deception. And they all wonder why they don’t have a Pastor yet.

In the end I need to start focusing on me. I can’t change the fact that Heidi stole 10 years and $1.2 million. She spends her money on a gay man named Chris who knits and cheats on her. Not that she would believe it. She thinks no one cheats on her, but Don was sleeping with other women besides Heidi and his wife. Chris is doing the same and I’ve seen it.

She thinks no one wants to cheat on her, but her weight loss is symbolic of her guilt and slow death. I don’t expect to see her survive this year. Even if my daughter tells me that she eats more. She is still getting smaller than is healthy. There is a part of me that wishes she would die, but that would just mean the three of us would starve to death.

I guess I can’t change the past, only the future. I should start making smarter choices soon before I get to heavy to lose weight and won’t make the 1/2 marathon in June.

12/2/17 – Wine Club Sucked

It’s hard to may headway in a group were so many are friends with Joy and her boyfriend. I here them talk about other events that I’m not invited to, and they don’t even care that it may hurt my feelings. Such a strange reality to sit next to people and make small talk with people that don’t like you. Not for anything you’ve done, but the lies Joy and her boyfriend have told about me.

These people have no idea why they don’t have a pastor at 3040. I am not even sure they care. I think most of them pretend to be Christian for the social group, but they do not act in a manner consistent with the faith. They are very drama-filled and exclusive. If you don’t fit the mold they throw you away.

Strange to sit around and know that I’m not part of the group. I am sure I won’t go next month. I don’t see a point anymore. All the bullshit and disrespect is something that I don’t need in my life. Especially from people who pretend to be Christian. Jesus was very inclusive. 3040 is anything but.

Sad to see so many people dislike me for not what I am, but what others say I am. And they wonder why I’m not friendly with them anymore. Saddest part is I was the only person talking with Buz about improving the group. Everyone else only cares about the social venues. Something that I am not included in.

Maybe I should just walk away from all this shit. I’m not sure anything will ever change.

11/30/17 – The Meeting Went Well

Buz was a really nice guy. We talked a lot about my background and his. Plus some of the things he is doing at North Coast Calvary Chapel. Matt Tague seems to be getting a deal after a lot of psychology tests and background work.

I told him a few of my ideas, and he seemed impressed by them. I know the church is having trouble getting anyone to oversee the group. The reputation is horrible for 3040. There is a lot of drama in the group, as well as adultery, fornication, and liars. It is a very wicked group of people. I do hope that the they find a good person to lead the group and get it going on the right path again.

I’ve gotten an interview with a national firm in Irvine. I hope that I get the opportunity to interview on site. It would be great to get back into the world again. Maybe find a wife and still use my mission to help others as well. It would be great to get plugged in again.

11/3/17 – Packing, Boxing, and Waiting

I spent the last couple of days packing and rearranging things in the house. By the end of today I should have the kids rooms, their bathroom, and the downstairs closet done as well as the garage. That was a lot of work so far. Thankfully, the kitchen and my bedroom should not be too bad. I will need to break down a few things for the movers, then I need to take off all of the artwork, tv, and computers.

I’m hoping it’s not more than a three days worth of additional work. Right now I’m sitting here waiting for the staggers to come and take back their stuff. They are already an hour and a half late. I guess it doesn’t matter since I’m just packing anyways.

The movers told me that I can borrow boxes from them. I don’t know how many I will need. I only really need to get some for all of the bedroom blankets, comforters, and sheets, etc. I should not need too many after that. I’ve got tape, and bubble wrap, and this morning I got the boxes for the TVs and artwork. I’ll have to figure that out tonight. At least it should be too hard.

After that it’s just getting all of the high end electronics together so I can take them myself. I don’t like packing $10,000 in computers and iPads together so it can be easily taken. I don’t think there is a lot to do, but the Sonos will go with me as well. They are expensive also.