11/1/17 – Halloween Without The Kids

I went out with other single parents who didn’t have there kids. It sucked not being able to see the kids, but what do you expect from a Borderline who hates herself more than the world. She’ll be dead soon with all of the anorexia and abuse of the children. I doubt she will make it two years this way.

She thinks she is getting what she wants, but everyone who knows her knows she will destroy every relationship she is in. She can’t help it. She cheats on everyone eventually. It’s just her way. Mean, destructive, and violent is just how she handles the world. And she wonders why everyone at work hates her?

She is a ball buster and most people below her dislike her immensely. Funny to hear the kids talk so much about her lying to them. How sad is it that a mom has to constantly lie to her children for no reason other than she hates the kids too…

One day she will look in the mirror and realize she is not forgiven. Not loved. Not appreciated. Just rich in wealth but poor in spirit.

My dad thinks the move will be healthy for me. I’m sure it will be. It will be nice to be at a distance away from that psychopath. She thinks she is winning, but her quilt will continue to destroy her from the inside out. I’m sure she will continue to hate herself everyone Monday when she realizes that Chris uses her for money, and she uses the kids to not be alone, and each week she will eat less because she really wants to die. She hates herself so much that death is better than life. Her brother cheated on his wife and he has gained 70 pounds since then. And he thinks he looks good in a beard.

All I want is to get my new life started. Find a position in the church, and a nice woman to marry, and the ability to keep my kids safe from that monster. We shall see what God has in store for me.

10/28/17 – Heidi Is Kicking My Son Again

Picking up my son this morning he tells me that on Wednesday Heidi kicked him in his privates. What a fucking mother? What kind of mom does that? Chris is trying to set him off and telling him he won’t leave because he “cares about my son.” He doesn’t care at all. He is only interested in the money Heidi makes. I’m sure she is stringing him along for marriage by showing him all the money she makes.

What he doesn’t know is as soon as they get married she will cheat on him. She can’t handle being trapped in a relationship. It will destroy the marriage like it did mine. I’m sure at some point in time if he moves in all hell will break loose. Heidi will institutionalize my son and throw away my daughter for him only to destroy that marriage as well.

10/16/17 – Another Condo Out of My Hands

I went looking again and the condo I put an offer on already a full value cash deal. I am starting to wonder why God is holding me back on all of this. All I want is to get away from Heidi who has become an absolute nightmare. She demands everything and gives nothing. My only hope is that she passes away from anorexia before she marries the douchebag. I would hate for all of my money to go to a guy that can’t even pay his own rent or dates. And he knits…

Katy connected on FaceBook, but I think she is younger than I thought. I don’t think it would work out between us. I like people a little older than what she appears to be. I’m sure if she is as young as I think she would be looking for someone to have kids with. And she is in recovery, probably not healthy for her to see me at so many beer events.

Maybe God has someone in store for me in Orange County? Maybe there is still work to be done in San Diego if I can’t find a place to live up there.

Patience is not my strong suit, and this stress is not healthy.

10/11/17 – Served

Heidi served me today over custody. She wants all the good weekends and have me babysit for her. I feel bad for the kids. I won’t be at the birthday parties, or be able to protect them anymore. My son does not seem to be able to tell his teachers or CPS the truth, and my daughter has to watch the violence.

I really don’t know what to do.

She has the money and leaving the kids in the disaster is not going to be easy to watch. She destroys everything she touches without remorse. I know she doesn’t like herself, but she cannot control herself. I only pray the God watches over them when I can’t be with them.

I guess it is that season in life where I watch my kids fade into the background. I don’t have the war chest to fight the battle. Soon the kids will be a memory and Heidi will destroy everything beautiful inside them. I can only pray the God intervenes somehow and frees my children from this nightmare.

The sad part is there will be a time when my daughter wants to live with me and she won’t be able to testify for a while. The courts will not listen to at this age even with testimony from her psychologist.

Another beat down by my ex. In the end she will regret all of these things. She cannot run from her guilt. Eventually she will put my son in an institution and my daughter will see what her mom does to people she doesn’t like.

I pray God will find a way to give me my daughter one day.

I guess this is God’s way of helping me with forgiveness and letting go. Maybe that is what moving away is all about? I guess saving me for His purpose is better then serving the world.

9/18/17 – Heidi Is Going Crazy Over Custody

Last year we adjusted the schedule to full weekends, and she wanted more 1 & 3 weekends to accommodate her boyfriend. Yes the loser who she tried to break into because he wanted to be left alone. The dude who uses my ex for money because he doesn’t have any and she can’t be alone.

So now she is threatening me to go to mediation. She doesn’t get that she does not get to chose. She doesn’t get to own me or control me. I have friends on those weekends and I want to see them. Next year I am proposing to reverse it since the holidays are reversed again. Makes total sense to everyone but Heidi.

She only cares about herself. Not the kids. Not me. Not even her boyfriend unless he leaves her which will happen eventually. She is a monster.

The fact he still stayed with her after all of that shows me he is just into the free sex and money. Total loser. No wonder my kids hate him so much.

8/11/17 Nothing Seems To Be Working Out

I did not sleep much last night. Maybe 5 hours, but that's the norm with me. I wish it were more. I am having a hard time finding the energy to do anything anymore.

It's tough knowing your children are abused and the courts and CPS do not care. It's tough getting texts telling you to kill yourself from your ex-wife's boyfriend. It's tough being unemployed knowing that the future does not hold a lot of prospects for your well being.

I know God punishes His children (Hebrews 12:6). I know he cuts off and prunes those He loves (John 15:12). Unfortunately my faith is waning.

I see all of those heathens in 3040 having friends and doing things, but I'm not invited because my ex-girlfriend Joy who faked a pregnancy on me doesn't want me around. She lies about everything just like my ex-wife. It's unfortunate they have the same mental illness, and why I dated these crazy people is hindsight. It doesn't change the past or my situation. It still astounds me that the group doesn't seem to have any clue as to why God allowed a pedophile to run the group (Matt Tague).

They seem to miss the true purpose of God and Christianity. They all know the Bible, but they have no clue about its author. They do not feel the truth or even acknowledge it. The saddest part is watching people suffer because they fail to change themselves.

Then again I am the same way right now. I can't seem to make a decision to make my world a better place.

I still need to update my application at Biola. Hopefully I can do that today. The hard part is finding the motivation. There seems to be none in me right now. All I feel is hopelessness and being lost in this town. Maybe moving back to Orange County and trying to find some temp work would be the best thing for me. I could cash out the value in my house and live for a long time on a paupers salary with the excess cash in the bank. Liquidate my 401k's and spend the rest of my life doing nothing. I am sure I would end up being an alcoholic.

Maybe that's what I should have been all along.

I just need a break somewhere. I need a little help from my Father. Spending all this time breaking my soul apart in San Diego isn't helping me or my children. I wonder how long I can hold on. Right now I don't feel much faith or much desire to stay in San Diego.

No job, no girl, no friends. Nothing but misery in this town. Maybe it is time to move away and start life over? If God isn't going to be giving me my children, I don't see a reason to stay and watch my ex-wife destroy them one day at a time.