11/8/18 – Another Hebrew Exam

I am so not ready for it. Maybe it’s time to pack up and leave school? It about time to find some work and get on with my life. There are things in place that will soon make my life easier. On Friday I will pick up the kids and see where everything leads me.

There is a point in time where you just can’t handle the workload and I am there now. I am not sure what God has planned for me, but I am hoping things will work out so that I don’t starve to death. If that does happen then that will be His will.

There is always a time where things are going darker than light, and maybe this is it. I will still learn the languages of God (Hebrew and Koine), but sometimes there is no reason to stumble so I can survive. I have to believe that God has a plan for my life. I have to hope that there is a need for me to survive for my kids and be able to take care of them. Without my kids in my life, I am not sure that things would work out well for them. They live in a house without love, and Heidi does not understand how to raise them properly.

At some point in time, everything will work out for His best. Maybe it’s time to live life like its the only life I have!

1/22/18 – Heidi Wants Me To Babysit for Her and Chris

I find her to be so funny. Heidi tells me the kids want to spend more time with me over the presidential holiday. I know the truth is that Heidi wants to go out of town with Chris. She wants a free babysitter. I sent her a message telling her to pay me more for the time. I’m sure she will get her brother to take care of it for free.

He’s a fat loser who cheated on his wife. That whole family cheats. Her dad cheated on her mom. Her mom had a retaliatory affair. Heidi cheats on me. Mike cheats on his wife. I just hope the baby sister doesn’t cheat as well. Probably not she has daddy issues.

I don’t think she will bite on the money. I’m sure she will blame me for issues with her travels by telling the kids that I asked for more money. Tonight I will have to let the kids know that she is doing it so she can travel with her boyfriend. A guy who knits and cheats on her. He is such a douche and she is clueless to why.

As long as she is not alone.

Hopefully she will exercise herself to death this year and the world will be rid of a little bit of evil.

1/10/18 – Still Blue

I’ve been eating ice cream the last 24 hours. I know I must be depressed. Not sure how to get out of it anymore. Alone, with nothing to do but study. I can take classes in February at WSC. Right now I have four units. If I take the Greek I class I will have 8. That would be four days a week. That’s a lot of driving, and studying. At least I would learn Koine at a slower pace then the Summer term. If I pass then I can skip Summer class and see where things lead.

Right now I can’t even seem to muster the energy needed for taking a shower. That really isn’t healthy. Much less not working out or even being part of the world. I almost feel like a shut in right now. I can’t seem to shake that my whole world died and Heidi got everything she wanted. The house, the money, the church, the kids, a boyfriend and God has given me nothing of what my heart wants.

Somedays I wonder why He even gave me one.

Nothing seems to be going in the right direction. I’m sure it’s all in my head. But right now I would rather pass away then live this life anymore. Not that I will hurt myself, but it would be pleasing to be released from the prison Heidi put me in.

At least I know I won’t be in hell like her. Having to pay a guy to have sex with you so you won’t be alone must have some serious emotion currency debt to be repaid at some time.

12/2/17 – Wine Club Sucked

It’s hard to may headway in a group were so many are friends with Joy and her boyfriend. I here them talk about other events that I’m not invited to, and they don’t even care that it may hurt my feelings. Such a strange reality to sit next to people and make small talk with people that don’t like you. Not for anything you’ve done, but the lies Joy and her boyfriend have told about me.

These people have no idea why they don’t have a pastor at 3040. I am not even sure they care. I think most of them pretend to be Christian for the social group, but they do not act in a manner consistent with the faith. They are very drama-filled and exclusive. If you don’t fit the mold they throw you away.

Strange to sit around and know that I’m not part of the group. I am sure I won’t go next month. I don’t see a point anymore. All the bullshit and disrespect is something that I don’t need in my life. Especially from people who pretend to be Christian. Jesus was very inclusive. 3040 is anything but.

Sad to see so many people dislike me for not what I am, but what others say I am. And they wonder why I’m not friendly with them anymore. Saddest part is I was the only person talking with Buz about improving the group. Everyone else only cares about the social venues. Something that I am not included in.

Maybe I should just walk away from all this shit. I’m not sure anything will ever change.

11/17/17 – Move In Day

The condo isn’t as clean as I would expect. The buyers of my house are complaining that the house wasn’t clean enough, and the garbage disposal is broken. I’m guessing that’s why I paid for the insurance on the house. I was charged twice for HOA, but I’m not asking for a refund. I think the buyers overspent, and now they are regretting it. That’s life. I know I’m in the same position.

At least I have a few opportunities and some cash coming to me for a while. That will last me two years, and with some penny pinching maybe a little longer. That should be enough time to get my life together again up here. Or in the interim to allow Heidi to pass from her anorexia. Then my kids will be with me and safe. I know it will be hard for the kids to lose their mom, but at the same time how much abuse can a child take before they lose it?

For me, I have to look at this as a fresh start. I can be a CPA again, or sell beer, or be a Pastor somewhere. I get to be free to do whatever my heart tells me. For me I still think that going to get an internship at Saddleback and see where God leads me. It would be nice not to starve and give use of my life to the Lord.

11/13/17 – Move Out Day

It’s all starting to hit me now. I most likely will never own another home, or even anything remote to it. I will live in that little condo for most of my life unless something breaks for me. I don’t see that happening, but I also don’t know what the future holds.

It’s a scary proposition to have to be completely reliant on a mysterious Father who I have felt and spoken with, but may never truly see except through his Son. I guess that is why Abel’s offering was accepted and Cain’s was not. Abel relied on God, and Cain did it himself.

Either way, I know I will miss my kids more, and see them less. I know that things will work themselves out somehow. I know we all die, but few truly live. Maybe this is my way of becoming freer than I was before? That is scary as well. Freedom comes with significant responsibility. I saw Heidi this morning and she is looking way too thin. That scares me for her. I know the guilt is getting to her. Even my children are starting to see it.

Last night both my children said that wanted to live with me. For my son, that has to be very scary. Kids on the Spectrum don’t like change, and that would be a major life event. He must be fearful of his life to say that. Only when faced with the loss of life do people really change. It breaks my heart that my kids live in that reality. Kids should not have to grow up broken and unloved. Then again we all end up broken and unloved sometimes in our lives. Kids should not have to have the feeling as a child. It stays with them for a very long time.

I left the new owners of the house a note. Telling them to enjoy the house and make a lot of wonderful memories in it. I will miss this house. It did right by me and my children. I hope the condo does as well.

Last night I told my parents that I would not be coming down to San Diego very often. I need to focus on building my life again in Orange County. They are not pleased with it, but they understand. My whole life has been destroyed by her and I may never get to a place where I get to live like I used to.

Maybe hitting bottom and working my way back to my Father is all I could ask for? Maybe that is enough for my life? Maybe if I change one heart that He wants me to change will be valuable to my Father? Maybe that’s all I can ask for?

10/18/17 – More Condo Shopping

The home inspection was waived, the termite inspection passed with flying colors, and deposit is in escrow and I’m wondering where I’m going to live temporarily until I find a place? Two condos snatched from my fingers, and I’m thinking is God doing this or my real estate agent? I’m not sure yet.

The ones today and more expensive, and all have three rooms. One for each of the kids and myself. I know it’s less time I have to live off of my savings. Worst case scenario is I find a job someone or maybe God will provide some new clients in Orange County. I will certainly need them for a while. Without them I will go broke faster than necessary. If that happens I will be the most educated bum on the streets.

Part of me also wonders what will happen with Heidi. I know I will see her Friday at my son’s parent-teacher conference. The teacher invited me and she doesn’t know I’m coming. I’m sure she will blow a head gasket for me being there. It’s her narcissism that comes about when she doesn’t get what she wants. It’s always been her way to abuse everyone into submission – even if she has to lie to do it.

Part of me also wonders if she will fake a pregnancy on Chris to get him to marry her. I know she has done that with Don and myself. She told me she did it with Patrick as well. It’s a habit that I don’t think she can break. If he does move in then I will have an opportunity to move my daughter to Orange County with me. She hates him with a passion. Both my kids know they are smarter then him. Sad he must be mid forties and my kids are 10 and 6. And he knits, can’t make rent all the time, and uses my ex-wife for money since he can’t afford anything himself. And Heidi wonders why he won’t marry her. He gets all the sex and she pays for all the dates so he gets everything without all of the tantrums from my kids. What a life?

Although using people can be very self destructive. People never see how guilt comes out sideways. It never comes out in front of you. It hides in the recesses of your mind and comes out in ways that we least expect. I see it all the time in divorces, and other who have gone through a lot of trauma – self created or by others. It takes a while to see how badly your life has been destroyed so that you can see a path to healing and freedom. It’s not always an easy adventure, but in the end it is worth it.