1/10/18 – Still Blue

I’ve been eating ice cream the last 24 hours. I know I must be depressed. Not sure how to get out of it anymore. Alone, with nothing to do but study. I can take classes in February at WSC. Right now I have four units. If I take the Greek I class I will have 8. That would be four days a week. That’s a lot of driving, and studying. At least I would learn Koine at a slower pace then the Summer term. If I pass then I can skip Summer class and see where things lead.

Right now I can’t even seem to muster the energy needed for taking a shower. That really isn’t healthy. Much less not working out or even being part of the world. I almost feel like a shut in right now. I can’t seem to shake that my whole world died and Heidi got everything she wanted. The house, the money, the church, the kids, a boyfriend and God has given me nothing of what my heart wants.

Somedays I wonder why He even gave me one.

Nothing seems to be going in the right direction. I’m sure it’s all in my head. But right now I would rather pass away then live this life anymore. Not that I will hurt myself, but it would be pleasing to be released from the prison Heidi put me in.

At least I know I won’t be in hell like her. Having to pay a guy to have sex with you so you won’t be alone must have some serious emotion currency debt to be repaid at some time.

12/6/17 – Wondering What To Do

Right now I’m sitting around and wondering what to do with my life. Saddleback told me that there would never be a position for me there. Biola hasn’t gotten back to me yet. I have not heard from the firm about an in-house interview.

The only thought running through my head is suicide.

Bald, overweight, unemployed people never make it in this world. I’m not even sure how to survive anymore. I used to have everything, but now Heidi has everything and I’m nothing. The world seems so unfair somedays.

She cheats, lies, faked pregnancies and suicides, and my life gets train wrecked. My business is stolen, my life is destroyed and no one seems to care. I guess that’s the way down. We fall and no one is around to hear it.

I’m not even sure hanging around for my kids is worth it. My daughter wants to live in that home, and now that Heidi has a babysitter for church group night everything seems to be going smoothly. I guess they don’t their father anymore.

Maybe it’s time to check out, and leave. There is no need to be here anymore. Even the kids don’t need me.

I guess no one does…

8/10/17 – Wondering What To Do With My Life

I went up to Orange County today on an interview. Unfortunately, there was no job there. They just wanted me to bring in a book of business to cover my salary.

I can't seem to find work in San Diego. I can't seem to find work in Orange County. I feel like life is slipping by me.

My ex sent me a bunch of pictures of my son at adventure camp. I am sure that she is feeling guilty over her and her boyfriend telling me to kill myself. Funny Daybreak church never responded. I guess that is Christianity in San Diego. Hypocrites…

I am unfriending a lot from 3040 on Facebook. A bunch of people that do not worship God but love the idea of being a Christian. At what point in time do people realize that adultery, fornication, lying, cheating and deceiving is not the way to life a Christian life.

I am sure that I will be selling the house soon and moving somewhere. Not sure where or when, but I can't continue along these lines anymore. No friends in San Diego. No job prospects. Nothing left for me here except staying around my nut job ex-wife who wants me to kill myself.

Then again she never admits to doing anything, and the kids always take her side with CPS. If I don't find work soon I will be in a deep depression. I know that's what my ex wants…for me to kill myself.

I wish there was some truth in this reality, but I am starting to not believe anything anymore. At least I can continue to pursue my pursuits at Biola and Cicerone certifications. At worst I can go back into the restaurant business. Maybe work as a bartender in a craft beer joint.

5/15/14 – Carlsbad Fires – Stuck in Hell

Having to sleep in my old house because of the fires is a purgatory I have not earned. Hunter wants to be best friends. Doesn’t understand why I have to push snuggle past what she wants. Why can’t it just be what she wants?

I finally tell her she can’t use me anymore. You don’t get to have a friendship with the benefits you want but not give me what I want. Using me for 12 years and now that we are getting divorced you want to be best friends. Where the fuck were you in 2003 when we were celebrating our first wedding anniversary and you had already cheated on me? Where were you in 2003 when you were going to strip clubs with the guys and making out with strippers like a total skank?

I wasn’t there – never invited. Neither were you and you lied to me about it. But you told Chris’s wife everything. You were proud of it at PwC. So proud of your new man. Where is he now? Cheating on a different wife in Seattle. Tossed you away like the trailer park trash you are and now you want permission and absolution to do that to me. Fuck you – not gonna happen. Time for my personal pound of flesh.

You say you had the right to cheat on me because you were never single and now that you were married you never would have that freedom. Well you have it now. Enjoy your one night stands and your walk of shames. I am moving back to Orange County and you can have the kids and the house and your STD’s and BPD and narcissistic tendencies and I will fly off to the Caimans and fuck everyone over because you won’t let me go and your are driving me to inappropriate thoughts again.

I wish I could go back to me apartment. It’s safer there with the guns than here with the blades. I know I would never shoot myself as you can’t always control the fragments. Why hurt someone else accidentally on the way out? That’s the reason I haven’t done it on the commute yet. I don’t want anyone else to get hurt. That would be messed up. Driving to work and out of the blue a 335 rams the wall at 150.

But blades are personal. They are simple. Silent. Peaceful. Open casket. Buried coffin. No worries.


I don’t think Hunter liked the silent treatment. She must have asked me a dozen or more questions after her nap. Virtually no response on my end.

When she finished working on the computer she sat next to me on the couch. I didn’t flinch. First time the last three days she sat on the couch with me. She generally goes to the chair. I get the feeling she has figured it out. I thought I made myself very clear. If I don’t get the relationship I want I can’t give you what you want. I will not be used by you.

I say goodbye to the kids and say thank you for your hospitality to Hunter. She asks me if I want the kids to call. I saw no. Tomorrow. No. And then close the door.

It feels nice to be home. The fires where fairly close. A few small flair ups outside the patio, and the valley outside my patio was torched, but otherwise everything looks good. Just the constant smell of ash lingering in the apartment so I am keeping the air running.

Had to clean up the fridge do to the power outage. None of the dairy smells bad, and only the ice cubes seemed damaged. Now just to relax.
Pics below.

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5/6/14 – Do You Want To Build A Snowman

My daughters gets on FaceTime and tells me she wants me to come over there. She’s scared and “you told me to call you to come over and get me when I’m scared.” I tell her it isn’t my decision and what is there to be scared of? She changes tactics and tells me she wants to go to my house and sleep over here. Nothing I can so but change the subject and have her sing to me. She wants to be a pop star when she grows up and sings me a three year-olds version of her favorite Frozen tune. It used to be Let It Go when I still lived there, but things change. Now she sings me Do You Want To Build A Snowman. I can’t help but read into the Anna / Elsa reference as she and I “used to be best buddies but now we’re not. I wish you would tell me why.” All I can do is clap and cheer from a four inch screen and hold back the tears as there isn’t much I can do. I can’t save her anymore, and I haven’t learned to let her go. I don’t want to let her go as she really is the only thing keeping me grounded right now.

I have client responsibilities and friends and family to keep in touch with. That gets me through the days most of the time. But they are not enough to keep me on this side of the veil.

And my son who’s special issues and extreme XX bonding tendencies haven’t allowed for type of bond between us. He has it for his mom, or any female teachers or care takers. At least I know he has a small army of people watching over him even if he tends to get set off by his mom for more reasons than necessary. It is still hard to see how my daughter will use every tactic to increase the time with me and my son just likes to play with the screen. It’s not his fault. Just part of uniqueness being seven and on the Spectrum.

I got a strange email from Hunter today. It was talking about the week and how the kids wanted to go to the Zoo for Mothers Day and if I wanted to come along. She also set up a lunch date on Saturday for me and my daughter and offered up the In-N-Out Good Behavior Certificate my son earned at school Monday for use after his baseball game on Wednesday. Just like the week she was supposed to have the kids 100% she keeps giving me time with them. I was also copied on a bunch of emails related to my sons treatments. I guess my pushing including a move to Orange County clause is the dissolution papers has made a change in her.

She tells she gives me more time because they want to see me. I’m sure that is true of my daughter. I don’t think my son would say that. Part of me thinks it’s her way of making sure I’m not doing anything fun without her. Part of me thinks she can’t handle the kids and needs my help. Either way she gets to control me and get her free time on Saturday nights and Sundays while making sure I am not replacing her.

I am going to have to break my heart a little to use my time for me, but I can’t sit around and watch tv or start a video game hobby because I want 10-15 minutes of FaceTime with my kids. She broke my world and I just need to find a way to use the pieces to rebuild me. A better more well rounded me. Maybe just a slightly happier me.

I wish my daughter lived with me. I wish I could take her home to Irvine and show her all of my favorite places and things. I hope my Creator finds a way to open Hunters heart and let my daughter and I go.

My son would get the attention he desperately needs and she would get a peaceful place to grow up in. But Hunter will never let her go – how else would she be able to hold on to me in some capacity. I’m starting to hope she is thinking about dating. Once she finds my replacement maybe she would let my daughter and I go.

5/5/14 – Striving For My Personal Defeat of My BPD French Wife

So she isn’t really French, but she always dreamed she was.  She has reams of high school French class journals and the newspapers with all of her A grades.  We even got engaged at Norte Dame in Paris.  I used to always remind her that it was meant to be at the Eiffel Tower, but she changed her itinerary at the last minute which is unlike her.  It was actually a great trip in Paris, although London was tough.  She hates the cold and rain, and constantly complained about the bad food.  So much for Cinco de Mayo.

Today has been one heck of a whirlwind. The whole last 15 hours really. My call with Hunter last night at 8:45pm (she calls right on the dot when I suggest a time) lasted about 20 minutes. She had said she would have preferred to talk about me moving to Orange County isn’t of just being told to write down her demands when she dropped off the letter. I don’t think she expected me to say anything. It didn’t look like she had planned on dropping it off. She walked into the department and played nice with me again. All smiles and hello and how was your day. I just said hello and I didn’t see anything in sons backpack. That’s when she chimed in, and dropped off the letter that was scrunched in her purse.

Her letter was simple and unsigned. Just Dear John…

No money, a standard custody schedule for an 80/20 split, and a requirement that the kids “fully participate in one team sport a year.” My sister said that was reasonable, but it means that I would drive down and see her almost every weekend. So much for a clean brake from her. It reduces the amount of time I see her, but doesn’t eliminate it. I text her and say if she wants to discuss things she can call me at 8:45pm. Which she did and says you wanted me to call.

– You said you wanted to talk about it….

– I think if you are moving to Orange County why did we waste all this time and arguments.

– I’m not sure I can handle the commute long term. I can’t say more without bringing up the past and upsetting you.

– Ok, so should we set up another meeting.

– No, I will send you an email with my thoughts and we can just add in a paragraph into the final documents once we agree upon things.

– Why wait until now?

I tell her it’s been tough when someone tells you the last 12 years have been a complete lie. You tell me you only married me for the ring. That I was a rebound gone bad. You cheated on me less than a year into our marriage, you are still stuck in him, your soulmate in Seattle, you haven’t loved me in eleven years, and you only stayed with me because you didn’t want to be alone or poor. That’s a lot to put someone on the edge and having to commute 12 hours a week with nothing to think about but hating you, hating me for sacrificing so much of my life, ways to kill myself, and how you don’t really care how much you hurt me or ruined my life, is taking a significant toll on me. I don’t want to hate you or kill myself. I want some relief and need some space, and I need to know what things would look like if I decided I needed to move.

– So you’re not moving?

– I don’t know if I am moving. I just know that I need to be able to do so if I need to and understand what that would mean. You are going to make friends, reconnect with your old high school friends, you have a short commute, and you work in a place where you are going to find someone if you haven’t already picked someone out or started dating someone already.

– She starts going on about what she did Sunday, but nothing about what she did Saturday night. What she said she was doing Saturday night is what she did Sunday. It doesn’t mean anything, but it’s just a typical lie. She goes on about how she isn’t dating.

– Maybe you aren’t, but you get that little look in your eye when and get all excited when I say you want to date other people.

Silence.

– I will send you an email.

She goes on about something. I’m not sure what. I’m crying and trying not to let her hear it.

– I will talk to you Wednesday. Then I hang up.

I take a pan and went to bed early.

I slept until 6am and then got in the shower and cried for a half hour. How unfair is it that she did everything wrong and I did everything I thought was right and God has blessed her with the house, the kids, the cats, the furniture, the job, and the short commute. She makes $400k plus a year, and bitches about money and goes on about having to take lunch to work. Only because she doesn’t want to sell the six figures a stock she receives a year.

She will find my replacement in a few months if she hasn’t already lined him up, and she has already infiltrated my church and in a ladies group.

Finally things get quiet in my head and there is nothing left in me. No emotional feelings whatsoever. Nothing. Just an empty hollow. Like there was a bit of silence in the world that should not be there.

I walk out the shower a bit stunned – almost lost. I think lost is a good word. I was running on autopilot. Drying off, getting dressed, and then I checked the phone and pulled up the stats on WordPress. Not something I generally do, but there was a search engine referrer for “life is an illusion when married to a borderline.” Welcome to Oz. It resounded my core. Like seeing myself googling my own life and seeing me look me up in a different life. It’s how I feel my life have been.

I don’t know what is real. I don’t know what is fake. What’s is truth versus fiction? I could not tell you. I read some things and she didn’t love me. I read other things and I know she did. She hated me then. Our small moments where her favorite things in life other times.

So I googled the same search term and came up with a couple of articles. One is from another blog where the man was in the same situation a few years ago. Another is from a PhD and the link is below.

http://www.sharischreiber.com/anycost.html

They truly hit home. I knew it already, but it gives me strength to move forward especially since my kids are desperate for me to stay around. I don’t know if I will stay or move, but it helps to center me and keep me reminded of the rules of engagement and what I am dealing with. What I need to do, and why I am acting like I am. I knew a lot of this stuff intellectually already but I am hoping a constant reading and reminding of what I am dealing with (instead of a who) that I can at least try and heal and move forward as a stronger better me.

5/5/14 – 5 Stages of Letting Go

I have been having a hard time getting through this grief, embarrassment, and guilt.  A lot of the time I used to pray for help, strength, or guidance.  After a while I started praying for a catastrophic accident during my 130 mile round trip commute.  Every once in a while I would hit a pot hole, and with low profile tires on I would wait to see if this would be the blow out that would take away the pain.  Soon I felt selfish for this because it would ultimately end up hurting others around me on the freeway.

More recently I have been praying for a heart attack during my sleep.  Fall asleep and never wake up.  That would be a carefree and painless way to go.  I understand this is not a mentally healthy state of mind, but suicide seemed inappropriate. Over the last couple of days I had decided that if I couldn’t get a clean break from her I would execute my final escape plan in November after her 10-K gets filed and my life insurance policy would lapse.  Why give her an extra $1.5MM to play with?  Awaiting her list of demands to let me go was tough. Thankfully I had my kids this weekend which is always a great way to take my mind off of my own issues as they are fun to be around and need constant love and attention.

Last night she gave me her list of “demands” for me to move back to Orange County.  Surprisingly, there was not a dollar amount on it.  She just stated she would not need any money.  The child custody was reasonable.  Same holiday schedule, virtually the same amount of full weeks, and alternating weekends.  This was basically what I would have been proposing anyways.  Then came the final two.

First, the children would be allowed to “fully participate in one team sport a year.”  Effectively, that puts me down here with her two of every three weekends I have the children for at last a day.  If the kids get into some type of playoffs, then with the holidays mixed in its most of the weekends.  No real freedom from her as I get the pleasure of seeing her every time I see the kids, and when they get older and decide they want to spend time with their friends down in San Diego once the sports may be over I am either getting my weekends skipped over, or driving them down here to accommodate.  No chance for the kids to get a  community of friends up in Orange County and establish a safe haven from her BPD roller coaster ride.

Second, the children would go to school in San Diego.  Not EUSD or CUSD as originally agreed to. San Diego. That is fairly large city and an even larger county.  Orange County has the same amount of people, but is 1/5th the size. I think it was a small nod to her decision to move the kids closer to her job and get her off the freeway commute if I moved.  Another veiled attempt to control me.  I would hate to think that she would move my son from his program and ABA therapies, but if I’m not around I am sure she would have to move closer to where her new man will mostly likely be living in – Scripps Ranch.  Now my weekends are revolving around their sports teams and a 160 mile commute.  That would definitely keep the kids away from me once the team sports faded away.  No real freedom until the children fade away.  In a few years I am free, but without my children – my family.

This morning was horrible.  I woke up early and could not stop crying and praying to God to let me go.  Take me home so I don’t have to do it myself.  Stroke, heart attack, aneurysm, anything to make it all simple fade away.  An adult life spent on a woman who used me for over a decade and who truly does not seem to care about what she has done to me.  She just wants to placate me during the divorce so that I don’t tell the children the truth.

Near the end of my shower, a calm came over.  I couldn’t feel anything emotionally.  It was almost like I was having a BPD moment.  Nothing inside. Everything I was she took and now there is nothing left in here.

After the shower I got dressed and checked the blog and looked at the Stats section.  It still surprises me that people read this drama.  I’ve been keeping my journal on WordPress since August 2013 and uploaded my July entries once I moved over.  June 30th, 2013 was when I first brought up Chris again and she told me they kissed and that she didn’t love me anymore and to get out.  In the hotel room my sister told me to get a counselor for myself, a marriage counselor, and to start journaling.  I never meant for this to be public, but after reading so many books on the subject and other websites (Welcome to Oz) I thought I would make it public in April 2014 and use pseudonyms.  I cleaned up some of the earlier entries and had planned on making everything in 2014 public.  It takes a lot of time to clean up the names so I haven’t gotten much further back than March.

Anyways, I get a little traffic now everyday but I don’t publicize the blog.  My hope is not numbers, but a way to get all of these unhealthy emotions out.  This morning there was a search result engine term referrer “life is an illusion married to a borderline.”  Wow – it was like seeing myself on the outside reaching in.  I googled the same term and came across a couple of articles.  This one isn’t polite, but it really hit home.  If the person who saw my blog by that search term – THANK YOU.  If you are someone dealing with same issues this and the second article in the 5/5/14 entry will be of use.  These two articles saved my life.

Shrink4Men

still raining Many of my readers have expressed how difficult it is for them to let go of their relationships with emotionally abusive, Borderline and/or Narcissistic Personality Disorder wives and girlfriends. Several men who were involved with these women refer to them as “monsters.” One man in particular ( Run4TheHills ) writes that he prays to get cancer everyday because his marriage is so bad. It goes to show how terrifying these women can be when the prospect of a terminal illness is more appealing than another 15 years of marriage or a cutthroat divorce process.

There seems to be two categories men with abusive exes fall into:

  1. Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty I am free at last! These men are able to recognize that their relationship wasn’t based on love, but upon control tactics (fear, shame, guilt), unmet emotional needs, dysfunctional dependency and projection. Once…

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