2/28/18 – Failing Koine

I hate having to do this again. This professor is so much tougher than the summer professor. He is actually go out of his way to make my life miserable. He tested everyone on the Lord’s Prayer in Koine, and he made me do the hardest part for over 10 lines. Most people got 2 or 4 lines. I’m not sure what his plan is, but he has already got two people to drop the course. Both of them are older. I’m the next to go.

If I drop I will walk away from this Master’s Degree and do the languages myself. There is still a part of me that wants to make things work here, but I don’t think I will pass the class the way Telfer is teaching it. I think he goes out of his way to flunk older students. I guess I should just try and figure out my life in Orange County. I need help with money and friends. A girlfriend would be nice right now as well.

Part of me is going to get my Cicerone Level 1 and sell beer. That should be easy enough to do. With a little help from my friend at the OCBG I should be able to find a place to work no problem. Just need to get their tax returns done soon.

2/17/18 – Deconstructing – Tague Is Sentenced

I’ve been thinking about Thursday a lot. Matt is going to get between 10 and 20 years. His family was there and they were crushed, obviously. For a Pastor to do such a thing is vile. To watch his family get crushed is horrific. The woman I was sitting with thought he didn’t get enough. She is probably right, but as a Christian her heart should be more interested in the aftermath then justice.

Christ always asks for mercy, forgiveness, and love – in reverse order. Typical NC3 3040 she held none of these things in her heart.

I’m starting to wonder what am I doing at Westminster. Will I become like a lot of these San Diegan Christians and pretend to be something that isn’t real. Will I do any good in this world down here. I’m not sure anymore. I just hope at some point in time I can do something that matters to someone.

I’m not sure the opportunity will come at my age. I don’t have a retirement. I don’t have a cash flow source. I’m just wondering around trying to figure out what my Father has for me, and nothing seems to be working out for me. Maybe I’m not cut out for this life? I don’t think I’ll ever get remarried as a Pastor. I won’t earn enough to do so. The one person I wanted to date in 3040 won’t even talk to me anymore.

That group is destructive. Maybe that’s why they don’t have a Pastor after 9 months? No one wants the job. The island of misfit toys put an adulterous couple in the center of a ministry and burned it to the ground. I guess that is what should have happened. I wish North Coast Calvary Chapel would fix the problem, but I don’t think Mark or Buz care at all. I think they are tired of the drama and don’t want to fix anything. I’ve reached out to Buz and we’ve talked, but I can tell he isn’t interested in being part of the solution. Too much work and drama.

It’s easier to leave broken things broken then to take the time and energy to fix things.

Sad to see this world this way – even in Christian circles. People wonder why Calvary Chapel is collapsing under its own weight. They don’t see to have enough heart to fix what is broken anymore. People are too old, and uninterested in doing the heavy lifting.

Maybe I will starve to death on this route? Maybe after all of the destruction that has befallen me; my Father taking me home would be a blessing.

I really just need to focus on classes and the couple of returns I have to do. Maybe there is some value in that?

2/2/18 – Email From Jennifer

I get this email today from Jennifer about wine club. How it’s the 3040 tribe, and I’m making stuff in my head. Balboa trip included Joy so why lie about it?

I always find it strange that people often project blame when the tribe is rotten. They support adultery, fornication, lies and deception. Eight months and the 5th largest church in San Diego can’t get a Pastor to replace Tague. 3040 thinks I’m the problem. With all the drama of the group, they should be more concerned with the reputation of the group instead of talking about me.

The inward focus is difficult for people. It makes you analyzer your own beliefs and see where you stack up against them. 3040 does not seem to understand that San Diego has already judged them as not Christian. The tribe insists it is Tague’s reputation. I know they are wrong.

At least I can be free from the drama now. Knowing they have no discernment or wisdom in the group. If they did they would have kicked out the adulterers and kept good men in the group. Instead they have boys and girls who are not quite healthy. A lot of sexual abuse in the group, and few people healing from it.

Finally glad to be out. Now I can focus on other things. Including school starting next week.

2/1/18 – Kicked Out Of Wine Club

I find it amazing that Jennifer said I’m the drama. All this from an organization that calls itself Christian, but worships adultery, fornication, lies, and deception. Buz stopped working with 3040 for all the drama and she has the nerve to say I’m the issue. Needless to say I unfriended a few people in 3040. I can’t be waiting around for people who are actually hypocrites and Pharisees to be nice.

So much of the San Diego Christian community seems to be upside down. Maybe it’s just Calvary Chapel I have issues with. The lead pastors seem to have a lot of information, but their world is with more services in a church than Christians.

I guess it’s true, the world hates you when you are not part of it. Seeing how many people claim a religion that they don’t practice is sad. Better to just be honest with yourself and say the weeds of the world are more important than the truth.

I hate getting on my soapbox but after so many years of being thrown away in San Diego, I would like a little reprieve from the discard pile. I still can’t seem to understand why my Father wants me down here? Everyone hates me and I doubt I will get what I need as an internship to graduate.

Maybe this is all in my head? Maybe I’m late onset schizophrenic? Maybe I should just travel for a year and spend my money like it’s the last year of my life.

I know my kids need me so I stick around. There is a part of me that daydreams about being free from my kids and Heidi and 3040 and San Diego.

Maybe my next mission in life is losing the weight and travel after seminary. I have enough in my 401(k) and selling the condo I could travel for a long time unless there is a global collapse.

I still keep thinking about the Catherine. The spirit said I would marry her. Maybe I’m just insane, but I doubt I will ever see her again. If I did I doubt she would talk with me after all the lies of Joy, Gina, and Karsten.

What a fucked up life I’m leading…

10/20/18 – Thoughts on Life

I know I seem to be watching a lot of horror movies, but the life I had is a horror show. My life seems to be spiraling out of control faster than I can hold on. Maybe that is my Father making sure I don’t get used to things. I’ve been thinking a lot about the wine club. I have been treated so poorly by these hypocrites and heathens it’s hard to muster the energy to go. Especially since I have to 50 mile drive and have to buy a couple of bottles of wine to boot.

I know I will be treated poorly again. I’m not sure if this is what my Father wants of me – to minister or just to walk away. I’ve prayed about it, but I have not heard word yet. Hopefully He will let me know before I walk and make a mistake.

I’m sure Joy won’t be there. I know she is telling people not to invite me to things. I see her on FaceBook at events I’m not privy to. I guess 3040 likes to be manipulated by a histrionic. She sleeps around and does not honor my Father with adultery, fornication, lies and deception.

She constantly controls and manipulate them like a puppet master. I know she must be miserable to have to do such things. It’s sad the world has these people in them. Like my ex wife who is crating my cat so she doesn’t wake her and her boyfriend up early. I’m sure when she take him to the vet she will euthanize him. She gave a key to the house to her boyfriend, and he comes in at night and leaves after he showers in the morning. I find it hilarious that Heidi doesn’t realize he is using her and cheating on her. I’ve seen it, but she believes in lies like 3040.

Maybe this is my Father’s way of getting me to forgive and move on? I know He is always training me to be better and grow a character more in line with His will. I hope I have the strength to create it for Him.

It’s sad to know the world we live in is so wicked. I guess that’s the way the world has always been. Hopefully I will survive this new endeavor, and that my Father has a plan for me in San Diego. If not, it will be interesting to see where I go.

I’ve emailed the school to see about scholarship funds if I take certain classes. I haven’t heard back yet, but school starts in 9 days so I hope I hear back soon. I need to make decisions about driving and places to stay as well as a hotel for the half marathon I’m scheduled to do the first weekend in June. It starts at 6:15 so staying in San Diego will make life a bit easier. Maybe I will run into Catharine there. Maybe not…you never know.

1/17/18 – The Voices

Watching the movie The Voices. It stars Ryan Reynolds as a schizophrenic psychopath. He ends up murdering people. First accidentally, then intentionally. It’s a very dark comedy that after a while you start to feel sympathy for the devil.

I wonder what the hell I’m going to do with my life. I’m set adrift and can’t find an anchor anywhere. I’m trying to hold on to my faith, but with all of the setbacks I’m trying to wonder why I’m doing any of this.

Will there be a payoff that makes sense? Will I find what I’m looking for or just end up wondering why I did it? I can’t seem to catch a break right now so maybe this is all in my head.

I also wonder why God wants me in San Diego. Nothing ever good happened to me there. There are a lot of people that don’t like me because of the lies that Joy and Gina have told about me. All to cover their egos. Such a sad little 3040 Group. No honor, no love, only adultery, lies, deceit and deception. And they all wonder why they don’t have a Pastor yet.

In the end I need to start focusing on me. I can’t change the fact that Heidi stole 10 years and $1.2 million. She spends her money on a gay man named Chris who knits and cheats on her. Not that she would believe it. She thinks no one cheats on her, but Don was sleeping with other women besides Heidi and his wife. Chris is doing the same and I’ve seen it.

She thinks no one wants to cheat on her, but her weight loss is symbolic of her guilt and slow death. I don’t expect to see her survive this year. Even if my daughter tells me that she eats more. She is still getting smaller than is healthy. There is a part of me that wishes she would die, but that would just mean the three of us would starve to death.

I guess I can’t change the past, only the future. I should start making smarter choices soon before I get to heavy to lose weight and won’t make the 1/2 marathon in June.

1/16/18 – Still Not Getting Things Done

I have a list of things to do everyday. Read, work out, languages, stretch (fallen left arch from a fractured fibula), and some others things. I have gotten a couple of my old clients to recur and a new client from last year. I will reach out to another one or two to see if they are interested. It would be nice to have a little more work during busy season so I’m not so broke.

I got on the leadership team for Singles at Saddleback. Not sure where yet, but it would be nice to plug in for a while. Once I get an internship I will have to bounce. Hopefully I can make a few friends there and stay in touch once I am at Westminster.

I sit and wonder why am I so lazy. I know god gave me this time to get through all the reading, but I’m having a hard time of it. Early church history is not my favorite subject, but better to get through the 10,000 pages now and not during the semester.

I also know it will be a financial struggle with all the driving. Burning through this cat, buying the service and warranty, and a second car at the end is a financial burden. That on top of paying my own health insurance. Plus the cost of the business. That all eats into my profit. At least I can keep applying for jobs and get the small amount of money from my ex.

She uses me for a decade and when she starts making more money she throws me away. Tells me she was only using me to raise the kids while she worked on her career. Takes me for $1.2 million. At least I know she will never get into heaven. Biblical restitution is something Jesus always spoke about. God is more important than money. In fact money can be one of the biggest hurdles to the next life. If you feel you master your own life you are certainly not giving anything to anyone else of real value. Not the way God wants it.

At least I seem to be the living sacrifice. Not sure if I will go to Wine Club in two weeks. Not sure I liked all the attitude from a group that can’t find a single person to be their pastor. At what point in time do they decide that they are not what they think they are. Their last Pastor was a pedophile, and everyone thinks it is Matt’s fault that they can’t find a new Pastor. The truth is they are the problem. Adultery in the center of a ministry. So much drama and insanity that no one wants to be around them.

Today I will send out a couple of emails to Buz and Tague. I don’t think Tague reads them, but there is nothing wrong with sending them. Even if it is just God training me and my heart. Buz will be about internships and Westminster. I don’t think he will respond, but maybe he will keep me in the back of his mind one day. He knows a lot of people as well.

I just hope this road I’m going down doesn’t let me starve to death on the streets. I hope God has a plan to provide before I get there.