1/8/18 – Waiting For Tague

I sit here outside Matt’s courtroom with a lot of other people. It’s plea bargaining day today and the court is lined with people looking to make a deal. I know Matt is on the docket as the Sheriff stated he was here. There are a couple of other 3040 people here. I recognize one from Facebook but I’ve never met her. The other is her friend and I’m winding if she is part of the tribe or not

Either way, today is plea deal day and going back to Westminster Seminary with my tail between my legs asking to go back. I know it’s the right thing to do, but how embarrassing to have to deal with it again. Hopefully they will all be pleasant about it. I like 3040 which is a group of hypocrites pretending to be Christians. Joy trying to get back together with my last month. The tribe putting an adulterous could in the center of a ministry. Throwing me away like trash because unlike Joy or Rob I won’t grow my children away to party with them. Still seven months in and no Pastor.

NC3 isn’t even looking anymore. Buzz and Kelly are not here. They must already know what’s happening so there is no need. I guess I will know soon if they open the court room up for us to go in.

The other 3040 people keep looking at me. Like I’m not supposed to be here. However, since is still write to Matt and spend time with the ministry I’m more inclined to be here then them. I don’t know them, but if they are like the rest of the tribe then they must be a little off from their faith as well.

Angry, bitter people who have made a mess of their lives. I have too. At least I feel I’m using what is left in service to others. While 3040 just parties and does whatever it pleases. Such a sad state of affairs for the group. No one seems to understand that it’s the congregations reputation that is preventing a new Pastor in San Diego from coming in. It’s not Tague’s reputation. But you cannot tell Pharisees that truth.

The funny thing in being outside a court for so long is you get a real image of most people in America. Not the wealthy, but the struggling. It’s interesting to listen to people negotiate their deals, play mind games on themselves and others, and miss the point of life. It’s not a scam it’s reality. Then again some people are so messed up they have no idea where they are in life.

Westminster was kind enough for me. They got me enrolled and changed my departure to a leave of absence. That was pretty nice of them. They were happy to have me back. Thank God for small miracles.

12/14/17 – Not Feeling Well

Spent most of today just lazying around. I’ve got a cold of sorts, and wasn’t interested in finishing the day strong. I mostly just spent the day watching tv.

I’m sure there is nothing going on in my life right now, but I need to start moving in the right direction. Constantly fumbling around leads me to suicidal thoughts. There isn’t much to do in my life right now. I’m hoping my Father will intervene at some point in time and help me out financially. I will need some spending cash to go out in the world. I’ll also need some for dating if I decide to start that process again. Maybe in 2018?

12/13/17 – Addiction

I think I must be addicted to caffeine. The more I take the more I sleep. I don’t think that is natural. I’m trying to get some reading done for school so I can get ahead of the game, but its hard to do when you are always tired.

I think I need to kick the habit. I know in a couple of days I will be out of caffeinated drinks and will have massive withdrawals. I think that will be the healthiest plan of all – quit cold turkey.

At least it will save me money and help the dentist costs. Fewer issues with rotting teeth.

All day I keep thinking am I on the right track? Should I really be going to Seminary? Is this the healthiest thing to do? I may starve to death with this idea. Will it turn out the way I want? Will I survive or just starve to death on the street?

I have no idea. At the same time, I don’t have a lot of time or opportunity anymore. Most of that is gone in the past. There is not a lot of love interests available to a man my age going back to school to be a pastor. I hear it all the time. I guess this world really isn’t for me anymore.

I just hope not to starve to death in front of my kids.

12/9/17 – It’s Been A Long Day

I was supposed to go to the church Christmas Party (Singles group). I’m just too tired after everything. Neo-nazis on the freeway. Fighting with my dad because he is starting to lose his hearing and mind.

I made a CPK pizza and am watching an Australian tv series about people coming back from the dead called Glitch. It’s seems pretty interesting so far. Early dead and really late departed. The interesting thing seems that everyone healed from why ty died, but remembering it creates the death?

I should go to the church party, but I’m too exhausted to care. Besides no one wants a downer in the middle of a party. If my parents get here early enough I can take the kids and see the sermon. They will enjoy the free donut.

If Joy shows up at least I won’t be there to deal with it. She can just meet other guys and find another sucker. I’m tired of her nonsense. She dumps me via text after telling me she wants to marry me, and spends the last year and a half destroying all my relationships in 3040. She can find another loser who’s married to fuck. I don’t need that shit anymore.

At least tomorrow I can be free. The kids will go back to mom and I can start my new life. On Thursday God reminded me that I needed to be at Westminster Seminary not up here in Orange County. He suggested a motorcycle for the commute when it’s not raining. Cheap gas and an easy commute with a metal backpack.

I just need to read the books and learn the languages before I start so I can get a jump on things.

10/6/17 – More Custody Issues and Open House Tomorrow

So I sit here and wonder if the house will sell or not. There isn’t any traffic on the Scheduling App, and Heidi is not responding to questions on custody or drop-off or pick-up places. I think she is hoping I won’t move.

If the house doesn’t sell I’m not sure what I will do. How do I resurrect my life after all of this hell I’ve been through in San Diego? I read and pray and hope God will help out with this need. Then again if it doesn’t sale do I take it as a sign from God to stay? Do I just take it as a sign that there is no longer opportunities for me down here?

If it doesn’t sale I guess I can read everything that I need to read for Westminster and start learning Koine Greek and Ancient Hebrew. Not sure where I would go for the Hebrew, but I have The Great Courses Koine Greek class to get a jump start on it. I guess I could try and develop the language before school starts, and maybe even test out of a few classes. That would save me some money.

I would also need to get a job to help support myself. I’m sure if I get Cicerone Level One test passed I could get a job in the beer industry. What a world I live in.

I hope God will help me sell this place, otherwise having to humble myself for the San Diego Saddleback internship will be really embarrassing. We shall see…

I got emails from Heidi. She is refusing to negotiate on custody. She should be careful as she choked and kicked my son last week. She is playing a game of chicken she can’t win. It may cost me a lot of money, but in the end it may end up saving my children’s future.

9/22/17 – That Part Is Over

Heidi still won’t acknowledge the emails or texts. She must be furious with me to now even mention them. It’s like they do not exist. I’m out of Westminster. They were all very kind about things. Good people there!

Still strange that I can’t get a response from the Pastor at Saddleback San Diego. Not sure he even reads my messages on Facebook. It’s the only way I can get a hold of him since I don’t have his contact info. I’m sure it will be a surprise. I still don’t understand how Clay would be responsible for me over Jeff. That seems incongruous with an internship. Then again Clay isn’t going to be implementing a Singles Affinity Group for a while.

I sent Heidi a text about having my daughter stay over a little bit this weekend. I haven’t heard back about that either. Not sure where Heidi’s Head is at. Maybe she just can’t believe that I would leave San Diego? I’m not sure why she would think that. Everything bad that has happened in the last 20 year’s happened down here. It would be nice to be around some friends and away from Heidi’s constant barrage of emails and text about schedule changes.

This weekend I will update my application for Biola and get things started moving in the right direction for selling the house. It would be interesting to see how much I might net out of it. I guess I will have to wait and see.

Still strange to know I will be leaving some friends behind. Then again Joy has ruined a lot of the relationships because I wouldn’t get back together with him. It must be sad to be her boyfriend to know how much energy she spends on me and not him. I know the last time I spoke with him in December he told me he felt she loved me more than him. Can’t understand why anyone would stay in that relationship. Then again she is the best thing he will ever get. I guess the heathens in North Coast Calvary’s 3040 will stay that way until they get rid of Joy and her boyfriend.

If I don’t have my daughter I may go up to Saddleback on Saturday and check out the singles group. I’m sure Jeff will be upset if he hasn’t heard about until the lunch. Then again I don’t see a lot of people being upset with me leaving except my kids and maybe my ex. I think even she knows she needs someone stable in her life and I’m it. It’s obviously not her boyfriend who she tried to kick his door down a couple of weeks ago in front of the kids. That still screams crazy, so why stay with her? I guess she is his problem now.

My job is to continue on this path in Orange County and see if I can make a run for some clients and value up there. If not, it’s down in the trenches for me.

She is still not acknowledging my texts or emails. I know she gets them. She must be denying that I would actually leave. She is one messed up filly.

9/20/17 – God Help Me

Today is the day. I’m dropping seminary and trying to move back to Orange County. I sent Heidi several texts and emails about it, but she refuses to respond. I’m sure she doesn’t like the idea of me not being around to abuse.

Yesterday she sent several date changes and included me as having the kids during an unassigned break. We had already agreed that she would keep them. She decided to give them to me and that sent the flurry of texts and emails.

Funny Heidi will finally get what she wants – me gone – but she doesn’t want that. She knows I am the only constant in her life as the kids will eventually leave. She will put my son in a hospital, and my daughter will eventually come live with me. At least that is what she says now. In a few years she will either be miserable and she will be just like Heidi or suicidal. Either way she would be difficult to contain in a two bedroom condo. Especially having to make new friends at a difficult age. I’m sure I will only see her on weekends for a few years then nothing left.

I will have the same relationship with my kids that Heidi had with her dad. I now understand how horrible a human being can be. I’m constantly suicidal and have no up side. If I sell the house and get what I think I can get out of it, I can buy a small place in Orange County and live there for a while. Maybe reconnect with friends and find someone to marry.

With Heidi and Joy I can’t see to do that at all. There will be the issue with Patrick at Saddleback, but that will be a small issue as he doesn’t know many people and although he fakes it better than I do, I will have a lot of powerful people on my side.

I wish it had not come down to this, but constantly wanting to slit my wrists is unnerving. I’m sure I will be the same way in Orange County for a while until I get into the swing of things. Not sure if I should leave now or wait until after the holidays.

Probably now is better.