2/5/19 – There Is Still A Fear That Heidi Will Die Sooner

What will be my legacy? I can’t stand this constant nagging that if I leave that I will have to move back to California for the kids. There is an issue with her mental health that constantly reminds me that she make take my children’s lives and leave me with nothing.

I haven’t heard anything today, and am wondering if WSC is where I need to be. RTS has an English only version of the M Div, and I think that would be a better choice for me. The languages are not coming naturally for me and there is something that I’m not being connected to God right now. Maybe I’m the problem?

Either way, I need to find a way out of this state and find a new path to go down. Kansas isn’t speaking to me, and I have constant dreams of grandeur that are not healthy for me. Maybe this life is all that is left in me. Maybe there is not afterlife to get to. Maybe this is all a dream?

I found an English only M Div in Richmond, VA. It costs less then WSC and the move would take me away from the kids and Heidi. Maybe it’s all worth it? Maybe they are already dead and I can move freely about the country?

2/17/18 – Deconstructing – Tague Is Sentenced

I’ve been thinking about Thursday a lot. Matt is going to get between 10 and 20 years. His family was there and they were crushed, obviously. For a Pastor to do such a thing is vile. To watch his family get crushed is horrific. The woman I was sitting with thought he didn’t get enough. She is probably right, but as a Christian her heart should be more interested in the aftermath then justice.

Christ always asks for mercy, forgiveness, and love – in reverse order. Typical NC3 3040 she held none of these things in her heart.

I’m starting to wonder what am I doing at Westminster. Will I become like a lot of these San Diegan Christians and pretend to be something that isn’t real. Will I do any good in this world down here. I’m not sure anymore. I just hope at some point in time I can do something that matters to someone.

I’m not sure the opportunity will come at my age. I don’t have a retirement. I don’t have a cash flow source. I’m just wondering around trying to figure out what my Father has for me, and nothing seems to be working out for me. Maybe I’m not cut out for this life? I don’t think I’ll ever get remarried as a Pastor. I won’t earn enough to do so. The one person I wanted to date in 3040 won’t even talk to me anymore.

That group is destructive. Maybe that’s why they don’t have a Pastor after 9 months? No one wants the job. The island of misfit toys put an adulterous couple in the center of a ministry and burned it to the ground. I guess that is what should have happened. I wish North Coast Calvary Chapel would fix the problem, but I don’t think Mark or Buz care at all. I think they are tired of the drama and don’t want to fix anything. I’ve reached out to Buz and we’ve talked, but I can tell he isn’t interested in being part of the solution. Too much work and drama.

It’s easier to leave broken things broken then to take the time and energy to fix things.

Sad to see this world this way – even in Christian circles. People wonder why Calvary Chapel is collapsing under its own weight. They don’t see to have enough heart to fix what is broken anymore. People are too old, and uninterested in doing the heavy lifting.

Maybe I will starve to death on this route? Maybe after all of the destruction that has befallen me; my Father taking me home would be a blessing.

I really just need to focus on classes and the couple of returns I have to do. Maybe there is some value in that?

2/11/18 – School Is A Lot Of Work – Heidi’s Anorexia Is Getting Worse

At least I only have eight units. Taking 16 would be tough. I’m still getting used to all the reading again and trying to prioritize class schedules as well as the kids. At least I don’t have a lot of things to do.

I’m still not getting the right amount of sleep. I go to bed too early and wake up in the middle of the night. I need to go to bed later and just accept that I only get five hours of sleep a night. I can survive on that for a long time.

Right now reading, working out, and my children will have to be a priority. At least I continue to push through all the early church books I need to read before the fall semester. That will give me a lot of breathing room for research and Hebrew.

Now I just need to focus on Koine and English Bible Survey and make sure I keep up with the reading for Biblical Theology before I get way behind. I think I need to return a book and borrow a couple of others.

We shall see how things go.

Today at my sons IEP meeting Heidi looked emaciated. She has lost a lot of weight and I can’t stand to see her drinking alkaline water so she can shred more weight. She must really be hurting to try and kill herself this way. She must be less than 60 pounds. That has to be 50 pounds less than when we were married.

If I end up living in San Diego again and helping with the kids that will make a huge difference in my life. Right now I can go several years without work, but with the kids I would need to cur back on school and get a job. That would totally suck for me, but maybe that is what my Father wants of me going back down to WSC.

We shall see…

2/9/18 – Bing Watching “Master of None”

It’s a strange reality to not have enough money to do things, and no real close friends to do things with. In San Diego I always had the Single Parent Groups to do things. Right now I have nothing to do, and the drive down would be a long one back up. It’s a strange reality not having any money again. I used to have more than I need. Now I don’t have enough to keep my life going.

Sadly I am streaming Master of None. I’m feeling a lot like the main character – lost! Not sure what the next move is or if I will find a place for myself in this life. With all the doors closing on me in San Diego all I keep thinking is I will starve to death. Such a sad existence.

At least some of the people at WSC were happy to see me. A couple have been really nice, unfortunately they are in Escondido and are in their twenties. I wish I knew a few people up here that I could hang with. It would be nice to find a few good friends in Orange County, as well as a few in San Diego.

The saddest part is Saddleback SD has thrown me out. Like 3040 they don’t want a guy that can make things happen. I am hoping My Father is closing all these doors because there are doors to be opened soon.

Tomorrow I am volunteering at Saddleback for their relationship conference and as well as the salsa dancing at night. Not sure I will meet many people, but you never know. Might be nice to find a couple of people, but most of the people are women and a few guys. Most of the guys are too young for me. Hopefully I can make a few guy friends and a few lady friends just to hang out and fun with.

We shall see…

2/2/18 – Email From Jennifer

I get this email today from Jennifer about wine club. How it’s the 3040 tribe, and I’m making stuff in my head. Balboa trip included Joy so why lie about it?

I always find it strange that people often project blame when the tribe is rotten. They support adultery, fornication, lies and deception. Eight months and the 5th largest church in San Diego can’t get a Pastor to replace Tague. 3040 thinks I’m the problem. With all the drama of the group, they should be more concerned with the reputation of the group instead of talking about me.

The inward focus is difficult for people. It makes you analyzer your own beliefs and see where you stack up against them. 3040 does not seem to understand that San Diego has already judged them as not Christian. The tribe insists it is Tague’s reputation. I know they are wrong.

At least I can be free from the drama now. Knowing they have no discernment or wisdom in the group. If they did they would have kicked out the adulterers and kept good men in the group. Instead they have boys and girls who are not quite healthy. A lot of sexual abuse in the group, and few people healing from it.

Finally glad to be out. Now I can focus on other things. Including school starting next week.

2/1/18 – Kicked Out Of Wine Club

I find it amazing that Jennifer said I’m the drama. All this from an organization that calls itself Christian, but worships adultery, fornication, lies, and deception. Buz stopped working with 3040 for all the drama and she has the nerve to say I’m the issue. Needless to say I unfriended a few people in 3040. I can’t be waiting around for people who are actually hypocrites and Pharisees to be nice.

So much of the San Diego Christian community seems to be upside down. Maybe it’s just Calvary Chapel I have issues with. The lead pastors seem to have a lot of information, but their world is with more services in a church than Christians.

I guess it’s true, the world hates you when you are not part of it. Seeing how many people claim a religion that they don’t practice is sad. Better to just be honest with yourself and say the weeds of the world are more important than the truth.

I hate getting on my soapbox but after so many years of being thrown away in San Diego, I would like a little reprieve from the discard pile. I still can’t seem to understand why my Father wants me down here? Everyone hates me and I doubt I will get what I need as an internship to graduate.

Maybe this is all in my head? Maybe I’m late onset schizophrenic? Maybe I should just travel for a year and spend my money like it’s the last year of my life.

I know my kids need me so I stick around. There is a part of me that daydreams about being free from my kids and Heidi and 3040 and San Diego.

Maybe my next mission in life is losing the weight and travel after seminary. I have enough in my 401(k) and selling the condo I could travel for a long time unless there is a global collapse.

I still keep thinking about the Catherine. The spirit said I would marry her. Maybe I’m just insane, but I doubt I will ever see her again. If I did I doubt she would talk with me after all the lies of Joy, Gina, and Karsten.

What a fucked up life I’m leading…

10/20/18 – Thoughts on Life

I know I seem to be watching a lot of horror movies, but the life I had is a horror show. My life seems to be spiraling out of control faster than I can hold on. Maybe that is my Father making sure I don’t get used to things. I’ve been thinking a lot about the wine club. I have been treated so poorly by these hypocrites and heathens it’s hard to muster the energy to go. Especially since I have to 50 mile drive and have to buy a couple of bottles of wine to boot.

I know I will be treated poorly again. I’m not sure if this is what my Father wants of me – to minister or just to walk away. I’ve prayed about it, but I have not heard word yet. Hopefully He will let me know before I walk and make a mistake.

I’m sure Joy won’t be there. I know she is telling people not to invite me to things. I see her on FaceBook at events I’m not privy to. I guess 3040 likes to be manipulated by a histrionic. She sleeps around and does not honor my Father with adultery, fornication, lies and deception.

She constantly controls and manipulate them like a puppet master. I know she must be miserable to have to do such things. It’s sad the world has these people in them. Like my ex wife who is crating my cat so she doesn’t wake her and her boyfriend up early. I’m sure when she take him to the vet she will euthanize him. She gave a key to the house to her boyfriend, and he comes in at night and leaves after he showers in the morning. I find it hilarious that Heidi doesn’t realize he is using her and cheating on her. I’ve seen it, but she believes in lies like 3040.

Maybe this is my Father’s way of getting me to forgive and move on? I know He is always training me to be better and grow a character more in line with His will. I hope I have the strength to create it for Him.

It’s sad to know the world we live in is so wicked. I guess that’s the way the world has always been. Hopefully I will survive this new endeavor, and that my Father has a plan for me in San Diego. If not, it will be interesting to see where I go.

I’ve emailed the school to see about scholarship funds if I take certain classes. I haven’t heard back yet, but school starts in 9 days so I hope I hear back soon. I need to make decisions about driving and places to stay as well as a hotel for the half marathon I’m scheduled to do the first weekend in June. It starts at 6:15 so staying in San Diego will make life a bit easier. Maybe I will run into Catharine there. Maybe not…you never know.