1/17/18 – The Voices

Watching the movie The Voices. It stars Ryan Reynolds as a schizophrenic psychopath. He ends up murdering people. First accidentally, then intentionally. It’s a very dark comedy that after a while you start to feel sympathy for the devil.

I wonder what the hell I’m going to do with my life. I’m set adrift and can’t find an anchor anywhere. I’m trying to hold on to my faith, but with all of the setbacks I’m trying to wonder why I’m doing any of this.

Will there be a payoff that makes sense? Will I find what I’m looking for or just end up wondering why I did it? I can’t seem to catch a break right now so maybe this is all in my head.

I also wonder why God wants me in San Diego. Nothing ever good happened to me there. There are a lot of people that don’t like me because of the lies that Joy and Gina have told about me. All to cover their egos. Such a sad little 3040 Group. No honor, no love, only adultery, lies, deceit and deception. And they all wonder why they don’t have a Pastor yet.

In the end I need to start focusing on me. I can’t change the fact that Heidi stole 10 years and $1.2 million. She spends her money on a gay man named Chris who knits and cheats on her. Not that she would believe it. She thinks no one cheats on her, but Don was sleeping with other women besides Heidi and his wife. Chris is doing the same and I’ve seen it.

She thinks no one wants to cheat on her, but her weight loss is symbolic of her guilt and slow death. I don’t expect to see her survive this year. Even if my daughter tells me that she eats more. She is still getting smaller than is healthy. There is a part of me that wishes she would die, but that would just mean the three of us would starve to death.

I guess I can’t change the past, only the future. I should start making smarter choices soon before I get to heavy to lose weight and won’t make the 1/2 marathon in June.

12/13/17 – Addiction

I think I must be addicted to caffeine. The more I take the more I sleep. I don’t think that is natural. I’m trying to get some reading done for school so I can get ahead of the game, but its hard to do when you are always tired.

I think I need to kick the habit. I know in a couple of days I will be out of caffeinated drinks and will have massive withdrawals. I think that will be the healthiest plan of all – quit cold turkey.

At least it will save me money and help the dentist costs. Fewer issues with rotting teeth.

All day I keep thinking am I on the right track? Should I really be going to Seminary? Is this the healthiest thing to do? I may starve to death with this idea. Will it turn out the way I want? Will I survive or just starve to death on the street?

I have no idea. At the same time, I don’t have a lot of time or opportunity anymore. Most of that is gone in the past. There is not a lot of love interests available to a man my age going back to school to be a pastor. I hear it all the time. I guess this world really isn’t for me anymore.

I just hope not to starve to death in front of my kids.

12/9/17 – It’s Been A Long Day

I was supposed to go to the church Christmas Party (Singles group). I’m just too tired after everything. Neo-nazis on the freeway. Fighting with my dad because he is starting to lose his hearing and mind.

I made a CPK pizza and am watching an Australian tv series about people coming back from the dead called Glitch. It’s seems pretty interesting so far. Early dead and really late departed. The interesting thing seems that everyone healed from why ty died, but remembering it creates the death?

I should go to the church party, but I’m too exhausted to care. Besides no one wants a downer in the middle of a party. If my parents get here early enough I can take the kids and see the sermon. They will enjoy the free donut.

If Joy shows up at least I won’t be there to deal with it. She can just meet other guys and find another sucker. I’m tired of her nonsense. She dumps me via text after telling me she wants to marry me, and spends the last year and a half destroying all my relationships in 3040. She can find another loser who’s married to fuck. I don’t need that shit anymore.

At least tomorrow I can be free. The kids will go back to mom and I can start my new life. On Thursday God reminded me that I needed to be at Westminster Seminary not up here in Orange County. He suggested a motorcycle for the commute when it’s not raining. Cheap gas and an easy commute with a metal backpack.

I just need to read the books and learn the languages before I start so I can get a jump on things.

12/4/17 – Phone Interview

The phone interview went well. The recruiter at the firm told me she would pass along my resume to the team. It would be nice to get connected again. Right now I feel lost in Orange County. It’s almost as if I screwed things up in my life by moving here. I hope God can help me fix my mistake. Otherwise I may starve to death in Orange County – never to find love, or peace, or hope.

I can’t seem to get my mind off the truth. In this world evil prospers and the nice people suffer. I know Jesus said it would be this way, but it would be nice to not starve to death up here. It would nice not to be destroyed by my ex-wife who does not seem to care about all of the horrors she has committed, or all the abuse she gives to the kids. I pray my Father can help us out of all of this otherwise we will all suffer for this life.

11/27/17 – More Custody Issues

Heidi doesn’t like that the new stipulation does not anticipate the issues properly. As is typical of a Borderline she is fighting tooth and nail to get what she wants. She is having her attorney call me to discuss. I’m pretty sure he will not be pleased with my response. Last time we spike he argued the exact opposite position. Plus I have the kids nine days versus Heidi has them six which is not consistent with the MSA.

I know she wants what she wants, but sending me my son with a black eye last week does not make me amicable to this situation. She treats me and my children poorly and wonders why everyone hates her so much. She is the cause of all of the issues. She hates herself and therefore treats everyone else around her inappropriately.

I’m still laughing at all of the issues with this. The Stipulation delineates alternating weekends not first and third weekends. The MSA states we split the winter break 50/50 with me getting the first week and Heidi getting the second week. The second week includes a weekend, not just the weekdays. I’m sure she has something to do on the weekend and can’t get her money back. I guess she will have to cancel it because I am not legally required to pick up the kids according to the MSA.

I’m sure the attorney will walk around the issue, but in the end, Heidi is the person creating all the drama. At least the attorney gets paid. I get all the hassle. She will be missed when I block her calls and texts and provide the MSA exhibit detailing that I have no right to the kids that weekend.

Her attorney agreed with me on most everything. Still going back to 1st and 3rds, but I don’t have to pick them up the second weekend. She is still pissed about it. She is going to call the attorney again. What a waste of money on her part?

11/14/17 – Walk Through On The Condo

Strange to walk through the condo and realize that it’s still not completely vacant. There is still a lot of things on the walls, and the kitchen and garage are not cleared. It can be frustrating that things are not out yet. I know my loan funded today so they will have the cash tomorrow.

My realtor still does not have the file to audit it. If there is an issue there may be a lawsuit. It shouldn’t be a lot of money, but I wonder why the escrow company in Orange County can’t get things together. There is a lot of money on the line, and I am still wondering why they are stalling. If there is an issue with getting in there on Friday there will be lawsuits all over the place. I’m going it won’t come to that, but things will fall into place in the next two days.

I got there earlier today and started walking around. There are a lot of cute little fairy homes on the path down to the other park. My daughter will love it. There are a lot of younger moms in the area, so I may end up spending a lot of time at church in order to meet people like me. Single parents…

Let’s hope things go smoothly and there are no other issues to deal with. Hopefully, God will make the transition smooth for me, and help me with my internship and Fuller Seminary.

11/3/17 – Packing, Boxing, and Waiting

I spent the last couple of days packing and rearranging things in the house. By the end of today I should have the kids rooms, their bathroom, and the downstairs closet done as well as the garage. That was a lot of work so far. Thankfully, the kitchen and my bedroom should not be too bad. I will need to break down a few things for the movers, then I need to take off all of the artwork, tv, and computers.

I’m hoping it’s not more than a three days worth of additional work. Right now I’m sitting here waiting for the staggers to come and take back their stuff. They are already an hour and a half late. I guess it doesn’t matter since I’m just packing anyways.

The movers told me that I can borrow boxes from them. I don’t know how many I will need. I only really need to get some for all of the bedroom blankets, comforters, and sheets, etc. I should not need too many after that. I’ve got tape, and bubble wrap, and this morning I got the boxes for the TVs and artwork. I’ll have to figure that out tonight. At least it should be too hard.

After that it’s just getting all of the high end electronics together so I can take them myself. I don’t like packing $10,000 in computers and iPads together so it can be easily taken. I don’t think there is a lot to do, but the Sonos will go with me as well. They are expensive also.